this is maryangela -- have to start new thread

[spark]

I think I just got locked out of old thread.

anyway, as I stated yesterday, since finding out about the affair a week ago saturday, all the db'ing that was actually bringing us closer kind of went out the window. He got caught, knew it, took my journals as a way to "even things out", and now that he's been caught he's very cold to me. HE'S cold to ME!!! Imagine that. I know he's just projecting his guilt, but it's SO hard. I really thought we were making progress. As of up until I found out about the affair, we were having the best sex ever and it was emotional and close and he'd hold me for the longest time after -- he never used to do that before. We even started talking about future things like our house, etc. I wasn't overly enthused, didn't say I love you, but things felt like they were moving in the right direction.

I went to the city alone this weekend (drove by myself after not driving for 20 years). Had a great brunch with my best friend in Brooklyn. She made a really good point. He's acting like this because in our relationship I was always the "kooky, unorganized, artsy one" (I'm a singer/songwriter) and he was the responsible, paid the bills, "together" one. He was always kind of arrogant that everyone but him was an "idiot" and (these are his words), "life is so simple. just do the right thing and you'll have a good life. I don't get why people consiously f**ck up their lives". Well, as my friend pointed out, look who is f'ing up not just HIS life, but mine AND his 5 year old daughter whom he adores. And everyone in our families knows. He comes from a very close, tight-knit New York Italian family (think everybody loves raymond) and my mother in law literally believes (almost) that my daughter is her "4th child". She loves her more than anything in this world.

My friend asked me, "Mary, can you imagine the shame and guilt he feels now? He was always this model father/boy scout and look what he's doing. AND everyone that he cares about knows!! This has to be killing him and the most obvious place for him to vent his guilt and anger is at YOU."

I know she is right. Yesterday was civil, but I have to admit, my db'ing has gone downhill. I made a comment yesterday like, "well you created this situation, I didn't". I know it isn't helping. AND, I'm humiliated to admit this, I even asked for sex last night. He said, no as it wouldn't be "right". So, how was it "right" do have great sex up until a week ago? Oh, I know, I found out about his lying and the affair!

I feel so hopeless at the moment. I know db works, it WAS working. You'll be proud of me for one thing. All week I've been dying to get to his cel phone to listen to messages and get this chick's number, but he's been literally carrying the cel phone where ever he goes -- he never used to do that (that's how I caught him by the way, he wouldn't let me use the cel that I have used a million times). Anyway, he was downstairs, I was upstairs in our bedroom and there it was. Just sitting there. All I had to do was take it. I could have taken it, and ran to my car and listened and wrote down numbers and I has such a window to do this as he was busy downstairs.

But I didn't. I actually TOUCHED the phone and then decided to not go through with it. I just think it would add fuel to this already insane fire.

Anyway, sorry for long post. Any thoughts would be great.

[spark]

bump

[cw68]

Good job NOT looking through the cell phone. I found about my H's EA from looking through his cell phone, too. Cell phones are poison, I hate them.

He is guilty and feeling it. Don't overreact about not ML. Don't even think about it. Hard, yes. My H and I ML last week for the first time in two months, since he got the apartment. For the six months between bomb and separation, our sex life was amazing. Once their heads are screwed up completely, that changes.

My advice has probably been given a ton of times. Try to control the anger, GAL, figure out some 180s you want to do, become a better person. Put his actions, reactions, the nastiness, etc. to the side. Focus on YOU and your daughter. Don't focus on what he's doing to you and your daughter. While these feelings are justified -- and I've been there too -- you can't control it. Control yourself and the life you have with your daughter. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

[spark]

thank you for the response. I know the answer is to db, get a life, etc. It's just so f'ing hard. It was easier when we were at least having sex as pathetic as that sounds. It was those moments that I felt there was still love there (believe me, I know the difference between f'ing and lovemaking and a connection). Why would he want to stop having sex NOW??? Is he afraid that because I know there is someone else, I'll find her name and number and tell her all about it???

I'm just so sad and can't believe that only 2 months ago my life was so different, just SO different than this.

[cw68]

My T told me it's because they want to separate the physical attraction from their emotions. My H agreed that, yes, that was what he was doing. But IMO, the physical attraction will eventually win out sometime, even if just for a little bit, which then reminds them of the physical connection.

It is tough. It sucks.

[spark]

cw, thanks for the reply, I kind of don't understand your last post. You mean that my husband now doesn't want to have sex with me because he feels guilty about me knowing about the affair and can't seperate his emotions to have sex?

I've cried all day. At least when we were having sex I felt like I could deal, silly me, I know.

[cw68]

Well, his guilt is separate but maybe that plays into it. Basically, in my sitch, my H and I have a very strong physical attraction to each other. Our sex life hasn't ever really been a problem. Between bomb and separation, we ML even more and "better" than ever. I think he was so confused that on one hand he was quite unhappy yet still was attracted to me. So then he decided to turn off the physical to focus on the emotional without clouding things up with sex.

[NikB]

Hi Mary,

Sorry I haven't checked in for awhile - been extremely busy lately.

GD made an excellent point on your last thread about how we'd be much better able to help if it was more of a dialogue back and forth. You could still do that here by replying to some of our last posts on your prior thread.

HE'S cold to ME!!! Imagine that. I know he's just projecting his guilt, but it's SO hard.

You don't know this - you don't know why he's being cold. Remember that you can't read his mind.

As of up until I found out about the affair, we were having the best sex ever and it was emotional and close and he'd hold me for the longest time after -- he never used to do that before. We even started talking about future things like our house, etc. I wasn't overly enthused, didn't say I love you, but things felt like they were moving in the right direction.

I think this is relatively common. The only thing I can think of is maybe they're thinking "this could be the last time" or something. Again not worth trying to read minds, but I see this happening a lot.

It's totally normal for things to seem better when they aren't too... work on detaching, it will help you deal with the rollercoaster.

He's acting like this because in our relationship I was always the "kooky, unorganized, artsy one" (I'm a singer/songwriter) and he was the responsible, paid the bills, "together" one.

Or not.. you don't know and your friend certainly doesn't either.

I know she is right. Yesterday was civil, but I have to admit, my db'ing has gone downhill. I made a comment yesterday like, "well you created this situation, I didn't". I know it isn't helping. AND, I'm humiliated to admit this, I even asked for sex last night.

Hopefully you learned your lesson from this. No more begging or throwing yourself at him. In his eyes it's going to be very pathetic, the opposite of the image you want to project right now.


Not quoting the rest because this will be way too long

Yes, good job not looking through the phone. Contacting her wouldn't do you any good, anyway.

CW has given you excellent advice, glad to see it.

Maryangela - read, re-read, and then re-re-read the sections of the book on detachment. That's what you need to focus on right now to get through this.

[spark]

thank you nik. I am finding that when I db for real and for ME and ME only, things are better, both with h, but for MYSELF. It's so key. I've been in al-anon for years (mom's drinking) and it's all about detatchment. I'm getting back to the program because it works.

I was tempted again to get his cel phone -- it was just sitting there, but again, I didn't. I don't need to do that. I know he's having an affair and what am I going to gain by getting her number? Call her? I don't think so. That kind of stuff keeps me in his circle of insanity and I've decided to step out.

[spark]

Hey nikb -- I would love to talk to you. I looked up your profile (not stalking you!) and there wasn't an email. Could you send it to me?

I won't be a pain in your ass, I promise!

Mary