my story adventures of a WAW!

[christarn]

B,
Time, time is what started to turn me around. It's kind of strange but after 4 months, I just honestly missed my H. I missed him sooooo much. I heard my friends talking about him, my best friend whom I work with, her H is my H's best friend. so she kept me up to date on the H, then my sister saw my H, then somebody else saw him....he bought a harley...that's when it really hit me. I started to think of what my dad always told me, drinking and harley's don't mix. my dad had a HD, used to take me rides...how I miss that! So slowly, I started to think of everything my H and I been thru. He helped me thru two of the most difficult times in my life, the deaths of both my parents (2 1/2 yrs apart..both of them cancer). I also thought he is the only man I could ever have children with that knew my parents, and could help me pass on memories of the grandparents they would never know. So pretty much, after a little over 4 months of me being gone and a D being filed, the D was put on hold, and I am where I am today.

I to will stand for my M. However, I do believe, I need a solid R with my H, before our M could even begin to be revived. What I mean by that, is this....Being seperated for 14 months now, I would like a chance to start with a friendship, to build up a trust that has been lost, then work our back towards our M. But I feel first and foremost, the foundation of a great friendship, must be there. And I think/feel, that he's a little uncomfortable right now about R/M talks, so why not start out slow and easy, hang out get to know each other again, and go from there.

I truly and firmly believe God had us stop the D proceedings for a reason. I know my H, is reluctant, but I am not the mean angry monster I was when I left, I would just like to be afforded the chance to show him!

I will be praying your W's mean angry monster dissapates soon, and she finds happiness within herself. Patience is key. Stay focused, busy, take time out for yourself. It's key.

hugs
Christa

[christarn]

B,
I want to clarify myself. I started to let go of my anger at 4 months and knew I wanted to work on my R/M with my H. I knew he is what I wanted for life in my life and my vows meant something. However, I didn't truly start to find me, and figure things out for a good year. I didn't find the real me for a good solid year. I think a lot of my anger, was hurt and resitment about my parents death. I don't know....either way, I have learned to deal with life a lot more effectivly!

Christa

[BryanR]

Christa,

Thank you so much for your insights. I will be waiting this out. My W and family are the greatest gift God has given me other than my salvation.

I let her down and take responsibility for my part in our trials. I have asked for her forgiveness and she has said that she is working on that and I find that as a positive response. I am going to back off...way off.

I do have to talk with her fairly regularly to schedule kid stuff and to deal with finances. Other than that I don't get much interaction with her. She even bought my boys a cell phone so she doesn't have to talk to me, so I am getting the hint.

I have plenty to keep me busy and I try to squeeze work in between my prayers. LOL.

I have found a great deal of comfort and direction from the Steinkamps at rejoice ministries. I am learning to pray and to trust in God for the miracle of the healing of my M. This is by far the most important time of my life. I have found that I am getting my strength from above. Each time I get knocked down in my stand I get back up and dust myself off a bit quicker. I then turn my face back into the storm and continue to show my wife that I am truly committed to this family.

I have changed a great deal in the past two months and my W doesn't believe what she sees. She feels that it is an act to get her back. I have never lied to my wife and yet she doesn't believe that what I am doing is an honest effort, only the passage of time will show her that my heart is in the right place.

I really do appreciate your willingness to share what you felt during your time as a WAW. I know my W and honestly believe that she is not in control of her emotions and actions. I will not be swayed by what she does as I have faith that she will come out of this fog at some point and realize that she wants what she once had. It is what I pray for every day.

Have a great night and keep standing for your H and your M. It will be worth every moment of hurt and pain.

-Bryan (originally an Iowa boy)

[thegoodfight]

Christarn,

I dropped by your thread, I remember your story from last year. I am not sure if I can offer much except that, you marriage has a chance as long as one of you still wants it! That being you, in regards to your Hubby checking out your haunts certainly a good thing. I am not sure how you rebuild the trust between you but I know it takes twice as long since you both hurt each other.

I also know the road to true healing is acceptance by both parties that each one has some responsibility for where they are today. Rarely if ever is it all one person. Marriage is a compromise and involves loving ones strenghts as well as their short comings.

Unfortunately this is the part where most of us fail. I love my W. because she is who she is, not what I think she should be. I believe many of us paint a picture in our minds of what our spouse should be, instead of focusing on what they are. Problem with that is when problems arise we are suddenly shocked to see our spouses many, many faults.

We use these faults to justify actions, like affairs, moving out, abandoning, taking for granted, divorce. Well they did this so I am going to do that. They started it, I only act this way because of what he/she did. Wrong thinking, that is selfish thinking. Instead we should look at it this way, I hurt you and you hurt me, the reason this happened is because we care and love each other. If we didn't we wouldn't be hurt or angry.

Why do people get a divorce, in most cases because they believe this will stop the hurt. Why do people seperate, again because being with the other person hurts.

The next flaw in most relationships that end I have found is the concept of love. The misconception of what love is and the misuse of it. Love for some means, you make me feel like a king or a queen, I love you. The problem with this is the other won't always be able to make you feel like a king or a queen and when this happens the thought becomes I am not in love with you anymore.

Love is showing compassion and forgiveness for the other, love is caring for the other despite their many faults. Love is how I make you feel not how you make me feel. That is "true love". Truth is love is conditional, there isn't unconditional love in adult relationships, we screw up, then love is taken away, that is the punishment in many cases.

Hence the phrase so many are familar with "I Love you but I am not in love with you anymore", really means you hurt me, I don't forgive you and I am not willing to open myself up to hurt again right now. The reason I say right now is because as you know the stress of these situations causes huge changes in moods. Hence the roller coaster.

Your H is probably testing the waters, wants to see if he can trust you and himself. You bailed on him, you abandoned him because he hurt you. You left because he hurt you, he isn't ready to fully commit because he is afraid you will hurt him again.

Truth he still loves you, but he isn't confident things won't be different. You do all you can, but ultimately it is up to him to open up and decide if he is willing to change and willing to be vulnerable again.

Sorry for the length of the post. Hope it helps.

[ping1]

Christarn, read through your post, sorry to see what is going on with your sitch. I can say that it is a positive sign that H has not went forward with D papers and is still on the fence. I can also say being the LBS myself, it would be hard to just walk back into R without having trust issues. I was thinking about this today, sure we want our M to work out but then you look at what if my W calls me back and we start to reconcile, sure I would be happy but I would have some doubt that any little mistake that I made she would throw me to the curb. I think that is what happens to many of the LBS that disconnect and become unsure of what the future would hold for them in the M.

I do have a question for you, you state above that after 4 months the hate went away and the fog started to clear, what was your H doing the first 4 months of your seperation? Was he chasing you and trying to plead with you or did he already start to disconnect? I am now 4 months into my S, although I see times when I feel things can be worked out, I still have my doubts. Neither my W or I have filed, her answer to any questions I have on reconciling are "no or not right now". I know, I have to back off and since I found this site last week that is what I intend to do. Please give me your insite on this with what your H was doing when you started to see the light.

Good luck winning your husband back, I know it is a tough time.

[christarn]

Hey Ping....During the first 6 weeks, he did the typical beg, plead, borrow, whine, call, text, anything to get my attention...he did. Then he stopped, he bought a Harley, and started dating. He wanted nothing to do with me. I truly think it was the Harley that got me. My dad always said drinking and HD's don't mix, and all I could see in my thoughts and I dreamed about it too, was him getting drunk and crashing his bike. It was a true eye opener for me. I even called one of his best friends who also rides a HD and cried my eyes out, I was like what was he thinking buying a bike? He has a seizure disorder, he drinks like a fish (has always been a social drinker....but gotten worse since we seperated). Needless to say, that is what he did to really open my eyes. I guess the easiest way to say it is, he stopped giving a sh*t about me, and I honestly think he kind of stopped giving a sh*t about himself. His friends think he is a total ball of fun...which he always has been, but I do worry about him drinking as much as he does, especially when he's on the bike.

Thanks for your insight on my H. I can understand why he or any LBS would have trust issues with a WAW. I know that it will take patience on my part and time. I am ok with both. Like I have said in previous posts, I am not the same mean angry monster I was. I am finding "my old self" more and more each day. I truly believe God makes things happen in his time, so it can be best. In my case, I think my H is ever so slowly peeking out from behind the tree to see if it is safe. So far, I haven't shot at him yet!! Hopefully he will keep peeking, and maybe in time take a step out of the timber and see what's out here!! When it is supposed to happen it will! I will keep my faith in the Man above that it will!!

On a positive note! I text messaged my H last night to tell him I would be in his area to get my hair done, and asked if he would care if I stopped by his place(my old home) to see his dogs. I didn't hear back, didn't hear back. Then low and behold, this morning(must have been when he was on break at work) he messaged me and said "that's fine, but I won't be home until 5 or after." first if anyone can offer insight to that message, I would love it!!! I messaged him back and said I'm getting my hair done around eleven, sorry I will miss you, but thanks for letting me see the boys. I stayed at his place and played with the pooches for about 20 minutes and text messaged him when I was done, and told him thanks, it meant a lot letting me see him, maybe next time I will get to see him too, and that was that! Then this evening, I messaged him again to tell him, I had left the pooches a box of treats in the cab of his pick up. We messaged back and forth for a few minutes, then I ended said I needed to go! So overall, I'm extremely happy with how things went. He had gotten on this streak where if I text messaged him, he wouldn't message me back. So I feel, that not only did he text me back, he let me go out to his place, while he wasn't there, which is pretty cool. If any one could leave feed back about his original message, I would really appreciate it, because I didn't know how to take that.

hugs,
Christa

[ping1]

Christa, reading what he wrote, the first thing that comes to my mind is I will be there at 5:00 if you want to stick around and see me. I assume he was coming from work, do you know what time he normally gets off? If this is his regular routine then he had no other reason to put this in his TM unless he was seeing if you wanted to stay until he got there. Just my .02cents.

[christarn]

Thanks Ping!! I didn't want to jump the gun without him offering more than just that...so I didn't. I had a busy afternoon with work related stuff that had to be done any way. I also didn't want him to think I had anymore on my agenda than seeing the boys! Yes seeing him would have been a PERK but I want him to trust in my words also. And I'm not sure what time he gets off of work, so I don't know if this is his usal time or not. I know he had been working a lot of OT, so he wasn't getting home until after 6. I just wish if he did want to see me, he would have said a little more....if you want to hang out til 5 that is when I will be home, something!!!

Still looking at it all as a positive!!!

thanks for the feedback
Christa

[ping1]

Christa, have you offered for the two of you to go to MC, the reason I ask this is because although I would be at my W's front door as soon as she called me to come home, I would still want to go to MC because I would be scared that if any mistake was made in our M then she would lose all interest again. I'm not sure if this is your case or not but thought I would ask as I know that if I think this way, I'm sure there are plenty out there thinking along the same lines.

[christarn]

I mentioned MC when we first started talking last year...he said no. However, (I'm going to be VERY positive here)when we do work things out, I think it will be necessary and will re-address MC at that time. Thanks for the input

Christa