Why is it that when our S gives us verbal communication that things are better that we feels better for moment and then go back to feeling not so much better? I suppose its because we have not yet "arrived" yet at the state of being that we want to be at with our S. We think its a giant leap,nad sometimes it is but then it goes back to being baby steps and we are impatient becasue of the giant leap we just had and want them all to be like that. You've come a VERY long way Andy-there's bound to be bumps inthe road sometimes no matter where you are. Like Lily says, try to go around them. LOL! Rachael M.
I think I’ve DB’d myself to a standstill. Once W decided to work on her end of things, she also decided to do it in her own time. Yes, the tests and C are a major concession for her, but from the start, she’s been concerned about “giving up” things for me. She wants to make sure I know that she’s compromising.
As she continues to show me these compromises, she continues to say and do things that hurt me to the core. I think she does this to show me that I’m not “winning.” Sometimes she shows such a lack of concern over my feelings. She wouldn’t show this lack of consideration to her friends, but somehow feels that it’s her job to “help” me. She also sees the things she does, as the “real” her. It’s acceptable to her friends, so is should be acceptable to me. In her view, I have to learn to accept her, too.
So, I act as-if they don’t bother me. But they do. I’m working on trying to harden myself, but the scars run deep. I’m still very much the boxer in the song.
Lily,
I knew you’d like the fact that she’s making these compromises. I believe that the t panel is the test she’s going for.
I’m not sure about MF’s Wife’s stand, though. Her stand has MF and W very upset. Like I said, I think that my W thinks that I encourage this stand, or at least that I’m silently jumping for joy. I’m not. I don’t want their friendship to go away, and I certainly don’t want it to become a wedge between W and I (which under the current conditions, it’s threatening to do.)
There are cracks showing up in MF’s W’s stance. She knows full well that by banning his friends, she’s putting a wedge between them (i.e.: MF and his W). She now allows him to ride with us, but still doesn’t want us in her house. W and MF see this as progress, and think her feelings will “blow over.” I’m afraid that they will appear to “blow over” as she sees the futility of staunching his friendships. But they have issues. I just wish that W and I didn’t get sucked into them.
Yes, Rachael, I’ve come a VERY long way. I don’t know if I would characterize myself as impatient, though that’s part of it. I guess I’ve just come to a point where the scars of the last couple of years have accumulated, and I’m having an hard time healing them. I’ve also come to the point where the uncertainty of how this will all work out is getting closer to home.
Yes-Hitting close to home is SCARY sometimes. Its the stuff we don't like to drag out and talk about-this stuff that hits close to home. Eventually it all comes to past. How it comes to that past is what scares us-at least it is for me. Rachael M.
[quote=ANS I've lost some of my feelings, too. The affection I had for my W isn't the same as it once was. If anything scares me, it's that.
Me too Andy..today at least..
I'm wondering about MFs W..did she actually say..you can't come in my house?
Andy I don't know what you can do about this scenario that your W thinks she's "helping you"..and as you say you can act as if ..but man I know that hurts.
You told me a few weeks ago to get a dose of positive PMA..I did..it's faded a bit today..it'll come back..it's hard to rustle it up .
andy, i emphasize with your feeling of loss. i adored my h. i admired him. he came from a home of 2 alcoholics. he did 7 monthes in a rehab program by age 16. lived on his own from a young age. became a marine and rose to the rank of staff sargaent by age 27. every sport he tried he excelled. everyone liked and admired him. he had many friends. superiors depended on him. so what if he wasn't home a lot, he was a marine. he had obligations. so what if he liked to party, he had a lot of stress, he deserved to let of steam. i revolved my life around him and was happy to do it. SAD. i felt so proud of him. he always told people he could never do it without me. then he threw me away. i was so in love even after 8 yrs, i was still in love, still got funny feelings when i saw him working in the yard. when he danced with our baby i got tears in my eyes. i held him close to my heart and always spoke so highly of him. all the while he was calling ow complaining he couldn't be his true self with me. he wasn't in love with me, wanted to be free. i held him back. yes, things are good now. yes he is in love with me now. claims he always was. he lost himself. his fear made him run. what happended to the man of integrity that i loved? i am not in love like i used to be, i do not look up to him. healthy? maybe, but i feel the loss. i am sad down deep even when i am happy. my innocence is gone. i don't believe in "true love". i don't believe that people are good or bad anymore. everyone can be "bad". scary and sad. yes, maybe i am a grown up now. maybe i am less rosy glasses. but i liked my world that way. i liked trusting in my h's love. i liked believing people were good. the price i paid for reality is loosing the unquestioned love i had for my h. sad that now he may actually deserve my total love, but i can't give it to him, it is gone. it will not ever be again because i know too much. so much loss with the gain. lisa
i just reread my last post and i notice misspellings and such, sorry guys, i am usually playing with d. thats why i don't use caps or often even proper grammer. stream of consciouseness...do you still love me!?
