Bathroom humor---yes, got to love it! Hope you don't mind me crashing the potty...
Hm, from your "humour" and "loo" I wonder if you're British? Then "potty" would mean...crazy?
I completely repainted the bathroom when I kicked H out. Painted huge orange poppies on the wall. Now that he's probably moving back in, I wonder if I should repaint something less in-your-face?
Good luck with your piecing and renovation---yes, I think they're related. And making over the space we live in can help externalize our "new starts."
Quote: and perhaps I'll even get some organization work done around here. ( that really means get rid of a whole whack of clutter!)
I'm getting rid of a lot of clutter, too -- BamBamSr heads back to school! LOL!! I'm on the road until Monday night, working Tuesday, and taking Wednesday off. That's the only day I have to organize the mess he leaves behind before rehearsals and the show take over my life!
wilma
I learn by going where I have to go.
~Theodore Roethke
Geez bumped back to Page two on this forum... So lo and behold... H walks into the house yesterday and says... you forgot... Forgot what says I.... And he points to our anniversary date in the calendar. No I didn't forget I told him. So he asks... why didn't you say anything? Well the kidlet was hanging around and I didn't want to say "because I didn't want to be disappointed again" so... I said.. with the confusion with the renovations and everything I guess we just got busy with that and left it at that. He then got the year wrong thinking it was 1982... and I said... no dear... 1983... and he argued with me until I got out the wedding album with the invitation... Oh... he says... so twenty years next year.... ok... we'll celebrate next year...
So... a week late... but he said something... It was a why didn't YOU say something kind of thing... He completely and utterly forgot... sigh... oh well... maybe I'll try the reminder thing next year.
It's his 50th birthday tomorrow. Bought him a couple of new shirts, microfibre undies ( SEE even for men this is critical!) and a new gear bag for all his sport equipment. Cake ordered and after he's finished putting the gyprock back where it was removed to deal with the new three piece tub/shower unit that was moved in... we'll have a little party. No big thing... he hated the 40th party I had... he says he doesn't like being the centre of attention... but I am not sure I believe that. But given the chaos in the house, I am not going for people in the house this weekend! He gave me a hard time for not being a good blue collar workie cleaning up after him... I told him I was used to writing cheques and having workmen clean up after themselves. If he needs a workie he should tell me. "I just did" he says.. Honestly... the man is a prima donna when he puts on the toolbelt. sigh... OF course he is working really hard putting these renovations all together and of course I'll help. I told him I wasn't a mind reader and if he wanted or expected things of me, he had to tell me. and again I got "well I just did!" So I laughed and said... yep... you just did. No yelling, no rudeness just a repeat... So much easier than escalation. But geez... he's good and he knows it and it's enough to make me run screaming from the house ... but man... have I got a gorgeous bathroom out of the deal!
I think you've set your expectations so low that he's not making any more effort than what is required to meet your expectations. At the same time, his expectations of you are still that you'll make all of the effort.
Quoting ANS: Y'know what I think tree?I think you've set your expectations so low that he's not making any more effort than what is required to meet your expectations. At the same time, his expectations of you are still that you'll make all of the effort. Maybe it's time to raise the bar a little.
HMMM good point Andy... I think I was sort of thinking this but not knowing quite how to articulate it.... so .... How or what do I do to raise expectations? I need some help here.
It's another case of acting as-if. You hafta act as-if you expect something. You even hafta act disappointed. Even be disappointed when he doesn't live up to your expectations.
It hurts. I've tried to make myself "tough." But when you start expecting more, you're going back to those hurt feelings when your expectations aren't met.
Catch-22.
I've hopped back on the roller coaster. But things are a little different now. Because W is somehat less reactive (in a negative sense).
I still get knee-jerk reactions from her. I still get her trying to toughen me up. But I've been at this long enough that she can see how much I've changed. She won't mold me into someone I'm not, and she's starting to accept that. I also think she's starting to accept the fact that I accept her.
You and I have been at this for about the same amount of time, tree. We're within a month of being married on the same date.
I think that your H has had the same chance that my W has.
I started expecting to be invited out with her and her friends (which still mostly consists of MF), and now it's "normal" for her to do so. I don't expect to be there every time he's there. That would be too much.
I do my thing. W does her thing. I expect there to be some overlap, and there is.
I'm off work this week. Is W adapting her schedule to that fact? No. Was I expecting it? No. Is she trying to fit me in? Yes.
Because it's what I expect, and looking at it objectively, it's not unreasonable.
So here's a thing for you Andy... and whoever else might want to respond.. H's birthday yesterday was rather a bust due to some seriously obnoxious behavior from the 14 yr old. She was SUCH a brat that trying to make H's day a "special" one, really didn't work. We had a bit of a makeshift little do for him opening presents and eating cake, but nothing more than that. PLUS he was working on putting walls back together and and getting more of that bathroom renoavating done. blech way to spend your birthday I say! I think I might tell rather than ask, that he and I go out for dinner - and call it a birthday plus late anniversary 'celebration'. Just push him out the door! No kids... ( they'll probably kill each other - the way the 14 yr old is behaving these days... but we have to get out I think!) I frankly think the 14 yr old would ruin any attempt we made to go out and have a nice family dinner in public. She's seriously into herself and sour these days when it comes to do anything as a family. sigh.... got to find the how to DB kids book!
Would it be expecting too much if I said... we are going out tonight... you deserve it, you've been working like a dog and we should enjoy a nice dinner somewhere and just drag him out the door? Or would that be a little too forward? I get caught up in this because one of our things leading up to bomb was me always making these sorts of decisions and controlling it. Or... would it be better to ask... knowing that he will find a way to say we can't afford it, we shouldn't, blah blah blah. Okay that's an assumption but I could be wrong... See!!!! 18 months later and I STILL wring my hands sometimes!
Hi Tree, The purpose of 180's is to break the patterns of behavior we have set - not eliminate them entirely. Goes back to the ole cliche "There's a time and place for everthing". The question to ask is will it bring you closer together? The fact that your motivation is to do something nice for him...
Quote: we are going out tonight... you deserve it, you've been working like a dog and we should enjoy a nice dinner somewhere
should be appreciated and therfore bring you closer together...here is where you would know best, but if you looking for validation...I say, "GO FOR IT"...
I'm on the road until Monday night, working Tuesday, and taking Wednesday off. That's the only day I have to organize the mess he leaves behind before rehearsals and the show take over my life!
wilma 
Treesa, we have a joint C session tonight. I'd appreciate it if you scan my posts during the upcoming week; help me keep my head straight. Thanks! 
and a new gear bag for all his sport equipment. Cake ordered and after he's finished putting the gyprock back where it was removed to deal with the new three piece tub/shower unit that was moved in... we'll have a little party. No big thing... he hated the 40th party I had... he says he doesn't like being the centre of attention... but I am not sure I believe that. But given the chaos in the house, I am not going for people in the house this weekend! 
Okay that's an assumption but I could be wrong... See!!!! 18 months later and I STILL wring my hands sometimes!