ANS, Because you weren't perfect in the past does that mean that you have to spend your life atoning for it? Sorry, I don't buy that!
I'm not going to say anymore of what I'm thinking right now, 'cause I'm angry and probably would say something not too nice. It's not you or any of the other posters that I'm angry with.
I think your W could get her act together if she was so inclined. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I think it needed to be said.
I think your W could get her act together if she was so inclined.
What if we were to drop the word "inclined", and substituted the word "included".
ANS, I must admit that I don't know your total story, so if I'm out of line here, my sincerest apologies. The depressed spouse subject is very close to my heart, I just wanted to throw in a few thoughts / questions.
How much do you really open up to your wife? When you do open up, how do you do it, what are the subjects,how much of your heart do you really reveal to her? What are the results if / when you do?
How good of a listener is your wife? Do you find yourself not telling her things to either "protect" her, or yourself? Do you let her choose the amount of involement she has in helping you through the dark times, or do you make the choice for her?
Are your actions drawing her closer, or maybe pushing her farther away?
My wife and I have had a helluva a time working through her depression. It's still there, back comes back less often, and with less severity.
We got into the vicious circle of her getting gray, starting to shut down, then shut me out. I took it personal, and drew back. I tried to "help", which you know doesn't work, just pushed her in deeper. She didn't want to bother me with her "problem", wouldn't talk to me, "protected" me, wouldn't tell me things that I thought were important I should know. She just keep pushing these things deeper inside, and get darker. I would eventually find these things out, which gave me a large sense of rejection.
Might any of this strike a chord with you?
We worked out a safe deal for her to let things out, to include me in on whats going on in her heart and head. She'll start the talk out with "Honey, I need for you to just listen, and not to feel you have to fix anything for me."
I then listen, and I can see the her lightening up as her thoughts and feelings are pouring out through her words.
I've also had to learn to let her return the favor, and open up to her more. It DOES become somewhat heated at times, but going through this process has helped us to become closer to each other. More of partners and friends instead of just husband and wife. It's become a win-win situation for both of us.
Again, I apologize if this ain't pertinent to your situation, but there might be something in here that's food for thought.
Take care! JJ
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I agree with you Rayanne. I know that W does too. Perhaps “atone” isn’t the right word. I guess I’m just trying to do the right thing. To avoid making the same mistakes over and over again.
What you and JJ said didn’t hurt my feelings. You’re right. She can do whatever she wants, and if that means “getting her act together” that’s her decision to make.
However, I have to remind you that she’s very tired. Her bike trip (very rigorous. Lotsa wind, etc.) didn’t help. After my blowout, she couldn’t sleep. Didn’t help. When her brother came to town, she was up late to entertain him. A little too much wine didn’t help. Just too much stuff.
This morning, she didn’t really wake up for our morning coffee. Later she called me at work to see how I was doing. She also mentioned the above reasons for being tired.
Sometimes I really think that Lily’s right about hormone imbalance, too. She mentioned that she tried to get a doctor appointment about her fatigue. She also said that she’s gonna cut out the drinking. That should all help.
But I think she’s in a bit of a slump right now, and I’m certainly not helping.
Lotsa good thoughts there, JJ.
I’m having a problem with determining the level of “openness” I can attempt. In the past, I used to hold onto my feelings and blow up later. W told me how much she disliked this. When I burned out, I figured that I’d be totally open. Being in the middle of a nervous breakdown is not the best time to attempt openness.
Now, we have so little time together (alone) that I don’t want to put a negative tone on what time we have. Pretty much the only time we’re alone is in our morning coffee routine. As I mentioned, she’s not always very lucid, and even when she is, I really don’t want to start the day by dumping my feelings, y’know?
When something happens that bothers me, we don’t have the privacy to talk about it. I used to haul her aside for a private talk, but she’d turn her back on me as soon as she detected negativity.
I know there’re lotsa techniques to keep the tone positive, but some of my issues have been going on since my depression, and no matter how I phrase it, she hears it in a negative light.
Right now, the only thing I can think of is to keep things light.
Of course, since she reads me like a book. That means that I have to keep my thoughts light too.
Haven’t been very good at that lately. Gotta try harder.
You’re right about me taking on an heavy load. I don’t have anyone else I can unload on. Ironically, I’m too private a person to confide in friends, though I have one who I have coached through R problems and who would be only too happy to help. The only ones I could possibly confide in are my sister and step-mom. I leaned on them heavily during my depression, and for various reasons, I can’t do that any more.
So the only solution I can see is to lighten my own load. It’s my choice as to how I take things. Of course, I can’t completely control my own feelings. Like you and so many others pointed out, I’m human. Today I’m feeling OK. I’m not sure how W feels. I hope she can learn to accept me for what I am. I think she can do this. We both have a lot to learn, though.
Lily:
I may pick up that book sometime. Right now, though, I think I have to give W some space to consider her feelings towards me. In other words, it’s time to stop “working” on my M. W was ready to kick me out of the house. Ostensibly to give me a break, but I think she needed one more than me.
I’ve seen her fatigue increase with the amount she drinks. She’s not an alcoholic or anything, but when she’s with family (who she doesn’t see very often), it’s social to have a coupla beers. She also has a couple from time to time as she relaxes (or tries to) at home. But, she’s come to the conclusion by herself that sometimes even a couple affects her sleep.
She’s mentioned that she tried to make a doctor’s appointment for her fatigue. From what I can see, she’s not trying very hard, but at least the idea hasn’t been tossed into the junk pile.
quote:Ironically, I'm too private a person to confide in friends...
I sruggle with that too. It's something I'm working on, 'cause sometimes it's just too much of a burden to keep things all inside and sometimes only a real live person will do.
Glad you are feeling a little more positive today. Hope you have a good one.
I hope and pray your W will see a doc about the fatigue..cos it may not be even hormonal..there's all sorts of reasons(anemia for one)..it would be good to rule them out.I know it's outta your hands but here's hoping (and praying)
![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
![[Smile]](images/icons/smile.gif){kind=icon}