Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[GavinO]

GH31

You are doing fantastic and you are being the rock that you need to be (for both of you).

Hang in there and leave the door open, your wife appears to be very confused and messed up (aren't they all?!?) maybe the misscarriages last year didn't help.

If you can get over this as a couple then you will have the foundations to build a much better marriage. I hope you do overcome the issues, I really do.

Hang in there and give yourself a pat on the back for how you are doing and for looking at yourself and improving yourself.

(salute)

[GH31]

Hi GavinO,

Thanks very much for the words of encouragement. It's been a few days now since W and I have been in touch and I always find that the longing and despair begin their slow creep into my psyche after a few days without contact. She won't have access to email or internet (except an internet cafe) so I am not going to kill myself over it. I'll wait for her to get in touch again first - as that has been working and I want to keep doing what works.

All I can be pleased about is that the weather will be terrible whilst she's doing this little trip.

She has said to me that she will come home on 02.04.2008 but I will believe it when I see it - and only then.

Hope you're OK and getting through the days. It does get easier but some days are really, really tough.

GH31

[fightingirish]

gh,

wow, I did read through your entire stitch.. you guys have been through a lot. First I want to commend you on sticking it out.. Most would have given up by now.

Although I Do feel for you both regarding the miscarriages.. ive had one myself, and I guess everyone deals with it differently, but that certainly should not condone what she has done, actually what she has done is pretty drastic.

i don't understand the trip thing either.. doesn't make sense to me, maybe she needs to escape 'reality' for a bit, but not at the expense of hurting you, that just plainly irresponsible.

I do hope that things will start looking up for you. All you can do it work on yourself and be true to yourself. and no matter what happens, you will be ok, believe me.

good luck to you and take care..

tal

[GH31]

Hi TAL,

Thanks for getting in touch and giving me your input. She is very confused at the moment it seems, but recently the message has been consistent every time we have spoken - at least for the last month. Her fixity of thought is encouraging in that she *appears* less confused than before (although I am not going to jump the gun).

I think this separation was a bomb waiting to go off, because my selfishness and verbal abuse once coupled with something else (miscarriage) would eventually have created the perfect marital storm. She was right to leave given the terrible jerk that I was. As I have said before, it's what happened subsequent to the separation that has been hard to swallow. The uncertainly and torment of being completely alone in a new city and separated from the one I love was also too much to bear at times.

She said last Thursday that "she wants to come back", "doesn't believe in divorce", "we make a fabulous team" and that she "can't give up on her marriage" so this is encouraging although I cannot allow myself to completely trust her word yet (although I want to). If and when she comes back - or not, is when I will feel more certain. The fact that she is on holiday with some former work colleagues including OM make me very very wary about trusting her word. As per DBing I am still not believing anything that I hear.

I absloutely applaud the DBers that hang in there sometimes for a year or more so that they can save their marriages. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done but I cannot imagine NOT doing whatever it takes to save my marriage. I'm so glad I found this site and you guys.

All the best,

GH31

[GH31]

Hi guys,

Hope you all had a good Easter. I got myself down to Munich this weekend as I am considering a job down there and wanted to check the city out further - so as to make an informed decision. It's a wonderful city and I would most certainly recommend it as a place to visit if nothing else.

It has now been a week since my wife called me and we spoke for over an hour. During the conversation she said that she wants to come home said she wanted to come back on 1st April, after she comes back from a ten day work trip with OM and one of his colleagues. I suggested that she comes on the 2nd after my parents have gone. She said lots of other positive things like "I don't want us to abandon our plans" and "I have been thinking about us constantly" and "I don't believe in divorce". I also asked if she was sure she wanted to come back and she said "yes" and I mentioned that she would need time to get over OM. She said she would need "about a week" but I think that is naive.

According to what I can gather, she will be hanging around in Paris whilst the other two are at work during this week, and then will fly back to where she has been staying in the UK on April 31.

Now, the problem. It has been a week since the conversation and there's still a week to go before she supposedly comes back. She has not called since and only sent me an email on Easter Sunday to say "hope you're having a nice Easter" and "speak to you soon". I have only sent her one email since to wish her the same. I am wondering if I let my guard down shortly after she called because I emailed her asking her to let me know when her travel arrangements are finalised. Maybe that was a bit too pushy, but in the context of our phone conversation I didn't think so at the time...

I know that this OM is absolutely besotted with her and wants her to get a divorce from me; at the moment my imagination is just running wild with stuff and I can't seem to be able to turn it off. As per DB principles I am very cautious and guarded about her coming back and even whether to believe that she'll follow through on it. I am just trying my best to have neither good nor bad expectations about where things are going - if they're going anywhere at all. I agreed that she could buy a flight on my credit card but nothing is showing up on my statement yet. The mere fact that she's said she's ready to come back and discontinue contact with OM, but that she wants to do this holiday first makes it impossible for me to really trust her word.

Guys, it is very difficult not be encouraged by these developments and have hope but at the same time I refuse to believe her 100% because she hasn't been completely honest with me since the separation in relation to OM. I can't not have hope and I can't believe what I don't see - so this cocktail of emotion is just super hard to deal with. She was also very confused a month ago and I'm not immediately inclined to think that she is "all better".

As far as I am concerned I am still making full use of the LRT. Michele's book recommends to do it when divorce has already been filed (not my sitch) or if you are already separated (definitely my sitch as we only have email contact and live in different countries). So...this is what I will do. Until the facts on the ground indicate otherwise I will continue to move on with my life as if she is not going to be a part of it. This isn't to be done in a malicious or spiteful way, but in a loving way. I want to be her best friend and she says I am - but unless she's back I won't be 100% available 100% of the time.

I don't think there is anything else I can do for now.

[GavinO]

GH31,

Wow, what a hard situation, she is saying one thing and appears to be doing another and actions speak louder than words as such, I don't mean that negatively.

Easier said than done bit detatch yourself from the situation, remember that you don't need her and you can be happy without her although I know (and you know) you will be happier with her.

Back off and see what happens, I backed off in my sit and since it appears she is comming to me more.

You are sensible to be wary, keep being very wary until there are some decent signs of recommitment, then you will need to resolve the issues that caused this.

Have a look through the WAW section, it provides a bit of an insight and also there are a number of stories where the WAW comes back to the LBS and the LBS becomes the WAW (role reversal) it is good to read these as you can see where WAW'a have caused themselves great pain by being WAW's in the first place, it also helps to identify the feelings and issues that may arise when you reconcile.

Also provides a bit of encouragement for you to detatch and wonder if you want to be with your spouse while they are like they are, it helps as then you can decide to hang in there because you want to rather than 'need' to.

Hang in there, detatch and don't give up.

Keep well

Gavin

[Sara]

No news is good news. Don't let negative thoughts get you down. Your mind will play tricks on you. She has this chance to find herself and think of what she wants before she re-commits to a marriage. This is good for you too. There is no point in re-investing in the marriage if she remains undecided. Both of you need a chance to consider life with and without each other, and then choose. And making that choice is important. It is not something to enter into lightly.

[GH31]

My God, sometimes this road is a hard, hard, hard one.

I have nothing to report really. My wife called me about ten days ago to say that she wanted to come back and "give our marriage a chance" and that "she doesn't believe in divorce", "doesn't like giving up on things", "doesn't want to abandon our plans" etc. In fact, throughout the entire separation she has said things like "it wouldn't feel right to let go of you" and "I don't think I want to be without you permanently" but it's her actions that have troubled me.

She then sent me a bunch of our wedding pictures via email saying that we're the best team in the world - the second time she has done this.

She gave the date that she would come back as 2nd April 2008 which is just under a week away. In previous conversations and a visit she has said that "it's inevitable that we'll get back together", that "it's destiny", "you're one of us" (meaning her family) which is all great but at the moment she is on holiday in France with OM and one of his colleagues. She justified her going on the holiday because I did something very selfish 5 years ago which I had already been told was forgiven, and now it's her turn. I absolutely admit that what I did was selfish and entirely indefensible but am wondering if her justification is simply a convenient excuse.

I have only had one email from her since when she called to wish me a Happy Easter and "speak to you soon", and I have sent her just one.

I guess my problem is that I am really struggling to believe her due to recent lies denying OM and her very confusing behaviour about a month ago. I am not unconditionally believing her but the mere fact that she came to visit me and then spoke to me twice (for an hour each time) and said the same message have given me hopes which I REALLY don't want to be dashed. I know I should try and divert my thoughts from the fear of being disappointed but I find myself unable to today. Patience is such a hard thing to deal with for me - it really is but I know that I must maintain this 180 always.

Sara, you are right about the mind playing all kinds of tricks etc. on you. I have scarcely been able to concentrate for days.

My heart goes out to all of you guys on here. I know my situation isn't as bad as some but I just feel such an urgent need to vent today - and this is my only outlet. It's wonderful that we can find comfort in each other but it's also very very sad to know that there is so much heartbreak out there.

[GavinO]

Hang in there, assume that there is no contact until 2nd April and if there is, maybe that is a bonus. Go lift some weights, or go for a walk etc, I have started walking and it helps, I also talk to my mum or sister on the phone while I do.

See what happens, I know it is confusing, upsetting and hard but patience and time are key from my limited understanding.

One way of looking at it (I look at my sitch in this way) is that she has 'gone off on one' for a bit and will return to normal soon (I hope).

Hang in there!!

[fightingirish]

GH,

All of our situations are unique in there own way. I can see how waiting could drive you nuts, but hang in there, Time will tell. You are going to second guess yourself, a lot!.. but one thing holds true, be true to yourself, don't let yourself get to beat up. Forgiveness will come, slowly, its not a overnight thing... Our minds wander and its sometimes gets us in trouble (i'll be the first to admit that one!).. don't let it take you over.. think of the positives and do things for yourself..

Take care !

tal