Consider your goals here. If you truly believe that delivering that Dobson letter will bring you closer to your goals, then deliver it. If it seems more like it will push you away, then maybe it's not such a good idea.
From what you've written in the past week, it sounds to me that she would be more likely to walk out the door.
Consider these things you have written:
Quote:
He basically says that I am in the middle of a Sh** storm and I have done nothing wrong. He asked if my marrage was a fairy tale marriage or miserable and i said it was pretty miserable for a while so he asked me to start thinking about what I was really losing if we broke up....
I have an awful feeling the OM/EA is pushing this and giving W some pressure but I will assume nothing....
She is in such a fog and can not get out of it. She said she was going to talk to her L today about "next steps" not to file but I don't know of any next steps except that. I think what she wants is a physical separation....
W had to cancel her appointment w/ L for some reason, I think to drive one of the kids somewhere. What do you think...?
She has been lieing more and more lately.She keeps reminding me she dose'nt love me that way any more, I am convinced she is trying to convince herself of this....
I don't know when her L appointment was rescheduled bit I think she wants to go straight forward with the D or at least a separation of some kind. I know I am assuming to much....
I was away last weekend, going to VA this weekend and going to VT next weekend. What do you think about this? To much time away? To much space?....
It breaks my heart to think that my W will be hanging around in Bars or with OM. I can not assume but this is what is running through my mind.....
Please notice that one of the most prevailent themes in here is what you think she is thinking. That's called mind reading, or assumption, or fantasy, and is all definately not a good thing to be doing. You are assuming that you know exactly what she is doing, and you are then assuming that it is all directed toward you, and you are then taking everything she does as personally directed toward you. By doing so, you are destroying any PMA you could possibly create.
Further, you seem to be constantly wanting our opinions about how you are doing, and what we think about what you are trying. It seems to me that you are trying very hard to do things that she will notice to get some kind of reaction from her, and when you don't get any, you get anxious. Your style of what you call GLA seems to be just about the furthest you could be from that. You are looking for reaction, not doing things for just you. You are attempting to show her that you are having a fun life without her, instead of having trying to have a fun life for you. You are trying to control her by thinking you are not trying to control her. Everything you mention that you do you seem to weighing against her reactions.
You might want to think about your psych. He offers you two alternatives by which to gauge the success of your marriage... "fairy tale romance, or misery..." Is he kidding? How many marriages are somewhere between those extremes??? Is he implying that all those marriages are failures??? Do you want a C who is Pro-Marriage? Is you psych Pro-Marriage???
Finally, when your W says she wants to see her L about finding out about next steps, and that she doesn't mean Divorce, BELIEVE HER!!! What don't you understand about looking for Baby Steps? She is telling you that she is not looking for a divorce, and she is telling you that she is quite confused about what she needs to do. Then you write that you think she's looking to finalize the divorce. What's that?
Stop taking everything your wife does so personally, and get the F*** out of her head. You have no idea what she is thinking. You have no idea what she is doing when she's not with you. Stop imagining what she is thinking and doing. Anything you think is your imagination, is in your mind, and of you react to it, you will be reacting "out of your mind", and you will not appear attractive. Stop measuring the success of what you call GLA against her reactions. If you are doing it to get a reaction from her, you are not GLAing. You are attempting to control. Bluntly, GLAing is about making a happy life for yourself such that if your marriage was to dissolve, you would still have a life and would still be happy. It has the added benefit of making you happy and satisfied and energetic and appearing much more attractive than you do when your are mired in self misery. One hopes that such attractiveness will be noticed by others, maybe even your W, so that you may happily move on in your life, away from your current situation which is not working for anyone.
Figure out what works for you and do more of it, and stop doing what is obviously not working and is making you nuts. You cannot control any of her actions, and the more you try the more frustrated and unhappy you both will be. A Dobson letter is control. It is imposing your judgement upon her. It is telling her that you are right and she is wrong, and that she had better come to her senses and act the way you want or leave. Is that what you really want? I think not, or you would not be here. A Dobson letter is an LRT technique. It is the last resort. It is what you try when you think you have tried all that can be tried and you want to give it one more shot. But a true LRT is much less judgmental and controlling than a Dobson. A true LRT letter is written out of love and release, not out of frustration and control. It is truly telling her that she is free and that you love her and respect her, and want nothing but the best for her, whatever that is. It is written with no expectations. It is the epitome of "if you love something, set it free...."
I read your stuff and I see how hard you work. I see so much of what I did wrong in what you are doing. Stop working at your marriage. Work on you alone for you alone. Take care of your kids. This takes time, lots of time, and it will work out in time. Not necessarily in your time, but in its own time. Leave her alone and give her the time and space to let her figure out what she needs to figure out. Stop talking to her about any of this. If she wants to talk, listen empatheticly. If you want to say something, count to 25 before you open you mouth. If you still want to say something, see what I said about goals in the first paragraph of this post again. Stop expecting her to do anything. Keep your eyes open for positive baby steps, but expect none. All the while, keep truly GLA-ing. Go away, join clubs, ski your butt off, take a course, join the local volunteer ambulance or fire company. Take long walks. Volunteer. Get a second job just to fill your time. Develop more hobbies. Buy a Harley. Get hairplugs. Do Yoga. Play golf, or tennis, or squash, or go flyfishing, or learn how. Just make sure you do it for you, and expect nothing from her.
I got that impression when you said in your post on 3/12.
Quote:
She is in such a fog and can not get out of it. She said she was going to talk to her L today about "next steps" not to file but I don't know of any next steps except that. I think what she wants is a physical separation. Again I am assuming.
Next steps are finding out options. Next steps could include separation, knowing what her rights are, learning about child support and custody, or any number of other details. If you are assuming that even thought you say above that her meeting is "not to file", if you insist on assuming that she is lying, and that she IS meeting to file, then you are going to continue to drive yourself nuts, and you are going to continue to distrust her based on your own assumptions and fears.
As you have less and less ability to affect the situation according to how you wish it to be, you are allowing her to control your thoughts and your PMA by continuing to assume that you know what she is doing and thinking, and frankly, for the most part is appears you assume only the worst. You are making your life hell by either continuing to unsuccessfully attempt to influence her, or by reacting to your assumptions about what she is doing. The more you try to do something to get this situation under control, the more out of control you are getting.
Just chill for a bit, bro!!!
Enjoy VA, and then enjoy VT. And don't worry about what she thinks of your trips. Just enjoy the time away from the chaos, and don't bring it with you.
Great advice Z! I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the Dobson letter. I considered sending one to my H, but something didn't sit right, so i love what you had to say about it.
Thanks Z. Your words are wise. I am driving myself nuts. I do feel like I am detaching a bit better now. We are having a great time down here. Really enjoying myself and S12.
Got home from S12 soccer in VA for the weekend. We had the GREATEST time. It is so nice to hang out with normal people and see how families interact.
Got home at 6 and had a nice dinner with W and family. Nice conversation and then I headed off to my room to create more space and keep house nice and quite and easy. My goals for the next week are no fights or arguing. Let things fly by. Don't think to much and don't assume based on fear. Things can not be as bad as I think all the time.
Well, one positive is we had a spectacular weekend!
Had a very nice morning. She asked me what I was reading and I said "the good divorse". She said nothing. She also announced that she was going out with the Society for Separated Woman" tonight for St Patty's. I was dumb enough to ask with whom but that was all.
Another day on the roller coasted but at least no Arguments.
Nice work, Tree! Sounds like you did really well with your getaway. You sound quite a bit more focused on looking after yourself and being good with you.
I kept re-reading Z's comments because I felt that they really apply to me too. You are doing great today. Hang in there Tree and keep going.
Got homelast night and feel into a trap. I was looking for a basketball schedule and foung reservations for two to the Bahama's in April. Well you can guess what happened. I had a fit. She drew me right in. Turned out she was making reservations, without my knowledge, to go to the b Bahama's with my son for spring break with Her brother. Very expensive trip. Turned out she never made the reservation but she got what she wanted with a perfectly placed note and a rise out of me. I think she is just getting trying to get me excited and get me out of the house. i have been advised by all not to leave the house. She also said she was going out with the SSW until 8:30. She got home at 11:00 and could not understand why she was tired and had to go back to bed this morn. Crummy Day, I can not wait to see my Psyc today at 11:00.
