It's been such a long time since I have posted anything and there are very few that I see here that were on three years ago when i needed it most. I visit from time to time, but I just wanted to let everyone know that there is always hope and how you conduct yourself during this most difficult time makes all the difference in the world. The period of time that my husband was having an affair would have put me over the deep end had I not found this website and subscribed to the teachings of Michele's Divorcebusting. Somehow there was strength that I thought had long since gone. During my marriage, I lost a lot of my identity. I had been a strong, independent person with a good career and a lot of ambition. When I got married, I was satisfied to let my husband do things for me and I became a very boring person. I found myself again during that period of time and have vowed not to get lost again. It might seem unbelievable to many, but his affair was probably the best thing that ever happened to us. I'm not sure if I would have waken up had it not happened, and I'm not sure that he would have realized the treasures he has at home. We are closer today than we have ever been before. He cherishes me and our family and I am thankful for every moment we have together. An affair is a very difficult event to go through. I found that because we started our relationship devoted to each other and the sanctity of our vows, that we just had to find that again. We had children who were also involved here, they are now 12 and 15. So I had to keep it together for them and myself..no easy task. When an affair strikes, each person involved thinks that they are hurt the most. But if you can forget about who is getting hurt and figure a way to fix it, things may get better. I just want you to know that if kids are involved you must be very careful. I have always heard that kids are resilient and will adapt. I had an incident with my older son just a few months ago. He was quiet and seemed distressed. After taking the dog for a walk for over 2 hours, he finally broke down and said he had stuff in his head that he had to get out. When I asked his what stuff he said...Remember the time dad cheated on you? He lied to me. He always said he would never lie to me. So even though we worked things out, never separated, and are happy, some kids are more sensitive than others. Kids aren't as resilient as we might think, so always keep their best interest at heart. I guess I have rambled on enough. Patience, truth, commitment and love. Those are the things that kept us together. Looking back, I don't know where I mustered up the strength, I'just thankful for the outcome. Karen
Karen, I must compliment your writing talents. You are correct about the wake up call an affair presents to a relationship. Though different, ours is better now. It did require a Retrouvaille experience to bring out the hurt issues, but well worth the efort. Our relationship is healing and the marriage is wonderful. Our kids (16,12,8) have had a real ride also. The house is at a calm now with many smiles and a relaxed feeling of comfort. We do things with other couples and found out how boring we had become with our jobs and ignoring our fun lives. Yes Karen, there is always hope. Look past the hurts and forgive. And remember, God does not create junk.
It's always so nice to hear from those who are making it. I intend to move over here soon also. I just haven't had the time lately to do too much posting.
I totally agree with Karen regarding the kids. In fact, I decided that my kids didn't need to know about what their father had done. If it had ever gotten to the point of separation or divorce, of course, they would have been informed, but it never did and I see no reason for them to ever find out. Our 17 year old is a senior in high school with his first love. How this situation would have ruined everything for him. Our 15 year old thinks his parents are totally in love and he is very secure in that. No, my boys will never know. We are pretty happy now (only 5 months since bomb), and getting better each day.
I feel that not telling our kids about what's happened is one of the greatest gifts I could have given them.
Thanks for letting me know that there are others who seem to be able to work things out. I think people that have been in our position need to know that although it is probably the most difficult thing to get through, you can get through it. I wish that my kids had never known about thier father's affair. My older son heard my husband's confession. I think that both boys felt the tension that had been going on between us for the many months that my husband had been having the affair, but even though I suspected, my H denied it. When he finally told me that he wanted out of our marriage and was going to move in with his "soul mate", my son overheard and was really traumatized by it. Up until this happened, my H and I , I thought, were very happy and had a strong relationship. We were very affectionate with each other and with the kids. Then, in a flash, we all of a sudden "had nothing in common" and he "never really loved me"...sound familiar? We tried to shield our younger son from it, but our older son said he had a right to know and if we didn't tell him that he would. It was a terribly difficult time and one that I really would not like to repeat ever. For many months, and even to this day, If my H and I disagree about something, I can see that my younger son is a little stressed. We have explained to him that even though sometimes we don't like something the other person does or says, that we always love each other and so we will always kiss and make up. One ting I have found since this all happened is that we don't allow things to stew...that we will talk about things as they come up. Also, if there is a disagreement, one of is is more likely to say I'm sorry so much more quickly and get it over with (sometimes it's him, sometimes it's me). We have determined that if it isn't a big thing, let it go. Why get into a fight if the outcome isn't going to matter in a week, a day or an hour? Anyway, the lessons I have learned along the way have been tremendous, and I'm still learning. And I'm still reading Michele's book often so that I don't forget that a marriage is something that is nurtured and tweaked. Isn't it funny how some people work harder on their flower gardens than we do on their marriages? Karen
Hi Patience. I guess the real reason I drop by is to see how my old friends are doing as well, you, GG, JennyB, cthomas and the rest. Most of us have made it and that feels wonderful. I'm glad things are going well for you and your husband. Keep the faith and keep being strong. Hugs, Karen
Hey! My ears were itching and wouldn't you know....?
HI KAREN!!!! Great to read you're well! We are, too. It's been a long road, lots of hard work and continues to be. The trust part is the most difficult challenge for me. But, we're hanging in there. We too, had issues with the kids' reactions. Things are better there now. Son got married, daughter graduates from HS this year, and has her first serious bf.
Well, it's way past my bedtime...I just had to scratch my ears. Nice to hear from you again! hugs, GG
Hi Karen, I am happy to hear someone else is doing well. Because I still cant believe I turned this whole thing around with DBing. We are now working on the things we should have done 17 years ago in our relationship. I feel really strong and I know what I need and want out of a relationship becuase of DBing. I am the distancer now and h is the pursuer. I plan to keep it that way. I still feel this bubble is going to break, but I know that I will be stronger next time. Home 7 months after MLC and depression for 2 years. It was actually 3 years in total, but it was at the 2 year mark he wanted to come home. I asked him to wait a year to prove his dedication to me and the kids and to know this is where he really wants to be. Take care, Thanks for posting. Loretta
GG...so good to hear from you. It makes me smile to know how far we've come over the years...I guess it shows others that things can turn around, but it's never a quick fix...it takes time and lots of issues have to be fixed along the way. Keep up the great work. I think of all of you so dearly...those who were with me during those horrrible times, giving me encouragement when you were also going through such a horrible time. That's why I like to write something every once in a while, because I know that you, like me, probably check in every once in a while but don't post very often any more. I am forever grateful to you, Patience(Hope), JennyB, and cthomas...all of you my strength when I didn't think I had any more. Thanks. Karen Loretta, I love to hear that others are doing well. I had a counselor once tell me that an affair doesn't mean that the marriage is over. I think about my husband's infidelity often, but it's a fleeting thought now, not an all-consuming thought like it use to be. Caution is always necessary. I'm so glad things turned around for you and hope for your continued success. I hope that others can go back to our posts and see what desparate situations we were in two or three years ago. I think they will appreciate so much more where we are today and realize that things can get better. It seems like at first it was only me that wanted it back. It took my husband a while longer to realize that, and those were the really tough times. but it can happen...look at you, GG, Patience, JennyB and me. We're all proof and we all continue to DB. Good luck. Karen --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Karen, Patience, and GG. I was so happy to find all of you here. Like you I sometimes stop by to read the posts. You have made my day because so many of us who started out together in the worst pain of our lives have made it back to sanity and kept our marriages intact.
My H and I are doing just fine. He keeps in close touch with me always by calling me frequently even when at work. The OW finished her divorce and has already remarried some other guy. My H says it was the stupidest thing he has ever done and I agree. We will soon celebrate our 33rd anniversary and luckily for our only child who was grown and out of the house at the time she will never have to know. I also hope to save her the pain of knowing what her father did.
Meanwhile we are happily enjoying our first grandchild. For those of you who are not grandparents yet know that great joy awaits you. Having that little darlin grab my hand and say come on Gramma is terrific. So off we go to play or cuddle up and watch Winnie the Pooh. At 2 he already knows that Gramma will do most anything he wants.
I hope you are all finding happiness and something to smile about each day. I think of you often and wish you the best.
Anyone heard from Jenny recently. I hope things are going better for her.
![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
Great to read you're well! We are, too. It's been a long road, lots of hard work and continues to be. The trust part is the most difficult challenge for me. But, we're hanging in there. We too, had issues with the kids' reactions. Things are better there now. Son got married, daughter graduates from HS this year, and has her first serious bf. 