I THINK the divorce is busted?!!! NOW what?/

[Duchess]

It depends when you have the OR talk.

At the beginning of the whole mess immediatley post bomb it's a HUGE mistake.

If you have an H like Lily's who committed early on to NOT divorcing AND working on the M..then OR talks are OK.

If you have an H like mine and many other's on the BB then OR talks can be DEADLY.

My H has made it clear he is not working on the M.

What I have learned is that the rules are not written in stone.

If I were to say to my H now.."so where do we stand?"..the answer most likely would be something I didn't want to hear.THEN what do I do with that info?

I do have OR talks yes..mostly initiated by him ..but they are NEVER "Where do we stand" talks. Sometimes I get the answer to "where do we stand"..but it may be in a round about way.

Pre bomb but post A discovery I "OR talked" my H to death..he hated...... it so for me not initiating OR talks is a 180

I don't tink you can say OR talks work or don't work.Each case is different...that's all.

Duchess

[ May 10, 2002, 06:58 AM: Message edited by: Duchess ]

[ANS]

The value of OR talks depends entirely on your current sitch. There are no two alike, and even within the context of a given sit, things change.

My first (pre-DB) attempts at OR talks were futile. Destructive, in fact. They were tantamount to begging/pleading, and we all know where that gets you.

Round 2 was an attempt by me to find out where my DBing had got me. That was the killer because for all appearances, I was no further ahead.

But while painful, it was not destructive. Like IMP, it hurt, but it was informative.

From there, they got less and less painful as W's reactions got less and less knee-jerk-kick-him-in-the-stomach.

Now, the're not only almost painless, but ironically, not as necessary.

That's my OR-talk history in a nutshell.

Your milage may vary.

Andy

[Duchess]

Exactly..so each sich must be taken on it's own merit.

Part of it I believe is that as we use DB ideas to improve our listening skills and we begin to see things clearer we armour ourselves for the OR talks..we don't react as much..our spouses don't react as much and so they are not as painful.

I think Michelles "no OR talk" edict is a way of protecting us during the first few weeks of "post bombness" but as we progress on our journey we can tweak and adjust as needed.

Duchess

[ May 10, 2002, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Duchess ]

[Phoenix]

Hi TrEE, here I go again sounding totally unlike myself but also going against the tide (that has got to do something weird to the universe ).

Anyway, I think initiating OR talks when you haven't been while you are greiving for your mother is totally NOT a good idea. No way no how. Emotions are just too raw.

Take care of TrEE. Let him take care of himself. In time maybe you'll see what you're ready to do. I've already tossed out from my own experience but a) it was for later and b) what works for me may not for you. Now just doesn't seem to be the time to push any of it.

God bless you sweetie. And keep taking care of yourself. Really.

[inmyplace]

Phoe,

A little devil's advocate here. When emotions are raw, it could be the perfect time.

IMP

[Phoenix]

[ May 13, 2002, 05:12 AM: Message edited by: Phoenix ]

[inmyplace]

[ May 13, 2002, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: inmyplace ]

[darmar]

Happy Mothers Day Tree.
I hope today finds you well and a lapse in the "stuff".
Talk to ya soon.
Will this get me on top

[darmar]

[ May 12, 2002, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: darmar ]

[treesa2]

My, my, my... a girl goes away for a bit and the thread gets action!! Thanks all.... things happen durinig a week away from home.

Lily.... LITM... I like that a lot. Makes good sense. What else can we do?!

Mother's Day... a little tough.. but H really made it nice day. Three red roses... (haven't had roses, never mind red, since forever.) breakfast omelletes (with the left over lobster I brought home from business trip), a little wine, AND dinner too, post-hockey game of course!
Never mind how we started the day....

Another thing came up H mentioned the day before. FFC - female friend confidante at his work who knows about his FC and apparently condones it - has some work for my H in the off season from work. He does this off season. I really have a problem with this, and as nice as it would be to take her money, H spends enough time with her at work during the year and spending more time with her in summer doesn't cut it with me.

In an OR inspired sort of way - I have already suggested in a backhand way that his doing work for FFC - a little over my boundary line but ever so subtely that I'm not sure he got what I meant.

Is it unreasonable to just out right TELL him that I would prefer he NOT take her measly job (we won't starve if he doesn't do it that's for sure.) for him... it's a self esteem thing more than anything... validation of his many skills nd talents... my C's thinking anyway. I don't think I can let this one go. My feeling is FFC should just find herself someone else to do her little jobs and my H really needs to focus on stuff at our home. But to say it in such a way that he doesn't get totally ticked. I've NEVER drawn a line over his friends or colleagues... ever... but I'm totally NOT comfortable with this one, especially his 'best friend' status with this one and what they talk about.

Geez... can just imagine IMP on this one!

I still need to re read all your thoughtful comments and digest it all.
Need to start a new thread... hmmmm and call it what???

more.... later eh?
tree