I THINK the divorce is busted?!!! NOW what?/

[Me2]

Howdy all-

I totally agree with the 'I'm not a mind reader' thing, I have told my H that many MANY times...but how does it go for the one, who used to be open and above board with feelings and emotions, to be in a place where as a result of that open-ness and above-board-ness, where it backfired and led the overwhelmed spouse to break his vows?

Did that make any sense? Because I knew my H could not read my mind, I made the fatal mistake of actually telling him how I felt, too much I now realize. He obviously could not handle it. I overwhelmed him emotionally. So, now that I have changed that, what the hell kind of OR talk could we be expected to have? A pretty shallow one at best.

Now that I don't offer the 'what's on my mind' info, he does not ask, which leads me to believe he just does not want to know. I believe he likes this much better...not to have to be burdened with all my crap.

I know how you feel about the testing Tree...much as it doesn't lend itself to any kind of relationship repair, we've probably all been there and done that, in some sort of fashion or another. Don't beat yourself up about it. It didn't work. Now you know. Don't do it again. (It always backfires/d for me) So what will work? I have NO idea. I used to think honesty at all cost...and open-ness and all that sort of stuff....well....I am re-thinking my position on that (read above-plus my last two posts, to Andy on his thread and Matilda on hers).

Anyway, sorry it didn't work out-but-did you really (REALLY) think that it would? I'm betting you knew it probably would not. Do I sense a bit of stubborn-ness here? Or is it that I can see it because I recognize it so readily in myself??!!

L

[ February 12, 2002, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: Me2 ]

[ANS]

quote:Originally posted by Me2:

I totally agree with the 'I'm not a mind reader' thing

I knew you were going to say that

Andy

[darmar]

I knew I could track you down. Lets see Blue Nose to the sky ...sniff...oh there she is.
I think the OR talks are not something to be avoided. For me they are not to be initiated. It seems that generally when she brings them up she is in a responsive mood.
Right now with a OM thing simmering I don't know if there will be any OR's for awhile. None the less, the acting as if has been noticed. "You act if nothing is wrong"

Well compare that to old action it appears to be 180 all over the place. Kinda adds a little discomfort to the big escape plans.

Do you think yours would respond to a few rounds of tough love? Or a live lobster down the pants? Or maybe one of our valley apples upon his crown? Lets see 10 paces, bow ready...fire

I promise to hit the apple dear!!!!!!!

I like your new place Tree. Took a little to find you but the crowd seems so upper class. Hope to be this way one day!!!!!

They say if you want to be a better golfer play with better golfers so.....I'll see you around!

Darmar

[sweet orange]

Hi threre Tree,
What is going on with you?
Later,
Sweet Orange

[treesa2]

hey all thanks for keeping this little thread of mine semi active.
Little things happening and I keep trying to make the most of them.
Right now we are dealing more with issues around the 13 yr old she adolescent - enough to drive me to drink. I keep trying to DB HER!!
I am working hard to work with my H on working on our daughter- that raging hormonally charged I know it all and you parents just don't get it bopper- in our house... It's exhausting.
I am trying not to allow her to run our life but frankly I am working on finding ways to get it to bring us closer so that we are talking more. There are moments when I am sure it would be easier to just sell her to the gypsies. Oh gee did I just say that out loud!!!!

A couple of odd things or not so odd. Mentioned to H when I got back from conference that my long standing conference hotel buddy was not as much fun as she used to be... actually quite dull - and she was making comments - not necessarily nice comments about my "loud" undies... and why would I wear such things... ( she knows about sitch and H doesn't know she knows... I missed a couple of meetings post bomb) She was actually quite sarcastic about the whole thing.

H said something like "well we know she likes to blend in and not be noticed.. and this more of same.. this is the kind of thing that her H probably finds boring about her... He's very likely stepping out on her you know... he seems the type" WTF???? So guys... do most men automatically think of stepping out on their wives because they find them boring?? ( who am I asking - the most loyal loving bunch of husbands and men on the planet! sheeesh... )

He mentioned a party from work this past weekend. It was to be a skating party. He didn't ask me if I wanted to go but I think there was an assumption there. As it turned out... we didn't go. Weather didn't cooperate - ice melted not skate-able, and he wasn't feeling well. Slept most of the day and into early evening and nothing more was said of the "do" HMMM first time he's mentioned parties from work in just ages... interesting change I think.

As for the rest... it's going. our daugther... she who drives parents nutbar - has qualifed for provincial championships in her sport... so we are planning to head to the big ego-centric city in a few months...

Now if I could get him to not be cuddly and intimate in just the horizontal position. The kissing comes and goes... but mostly not vertical... very odd I just keep trying to drive a wedge every now and again and keep the mystery up when I need to.

I also keep reviewing what's working and what isn't. I believe this is a key factor. Knowing that DBing NEVER stops... and that I am the one responsible for keeping things together. It gets hard every now and again. But just when I start thinking... enough already... some little things breaks through the negativity and we are off to the races again. Man it's work!

I also have to take more of my own advice and read more of the stories on this section of the board and try not to get involved with some many of the newcomers... which is tough! Have to get back to the gym too. That would be really good for the PMA never mind the butt and thighs!

I have already started planning the Second Annual ribs and sangria all girl fest for my birthday. I even asked H to hang around and barbecue because the girls loved his ribs last year.(Last year I told him the day of the event... for those of you who recall... Oh by the way Hon... having some girlfriends over... 35 women later... ) I think by the time I reach my 50th birthday this will be THEE event that the girls will be talking about. Will have it catered at some fancy place that year... I have a FEW years before I get there.

that's what's been happening in the Tree house in the burbs... for now...
tree
DBing the journeyman's way... blue collar ... sweatin it and workin it!

[FS]

HI Tree,

Sorry to hear the 'do' didn't pan out this past weekend...keep your ears to the ground, something else will come up!

There you go with the vertical / horizontal thing again...wish I had it anyway here...oh well...H returns from his 'L O N G weekend' away tomorrow..maybe he'll have missed me. yeah right

DB the daughter....good idea...maybe you could write a book with your findings and send it to me in a couple of years when my D hits that age!

Keep up the good H DB...seems like your doing well!

FS

ps/ I'M ON TOP !!! Think this is one of the first times!!!!

[ February 20, 2002, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: FS ]

[ANS]

Hi tree,

Sounds to me like you and H are getting it together. Ya kinda found a common enemy (13 yr old bopper).

But seriously, I think you’ve struck on something that works. You’ve managed to find a way of putting yourselves on the same team. It kinda reminds me of something you once told me (I think it was in an email), that an handicapped kid can either bring a couple together or tear them apart. I think that the same thing applies to “normal” kids, too.

IMHO, the key thing for you and your H is to find as many common goals as possible. Y’know. Put yourselves on the same team. Of course, he won’t look for things. As usual, it’s up to you, but once you’ve found a new common goal, he’ll buy into it. And you’ve just found another “thing that works.”

TTFN,
Andy

[lily]

Ribs and Sangria. To die for.

I note your DBing the D. Good luck!

When our D approached 20 she announced that things were changing. She was accepted to study a semester in Greece; she entered into her first semi-serious R and just made us spin. I was hurtin' due to undx thyroid and used D's rebellion as the excuse to drink. Ah-h-h-h, good stuff. . .made me feel terrible afterwards.

Now that our bomb has caused a rift between H and D I can only sit back and pray that they eventually build a new relationship. H is a conflict avoider so it's not in his game plan to do the bridging. D is refusing to do the bridging; she maintains it's the parent's responsiblility to be the parent not the child in this situation. I can't drink my way through this one. <sigh>

I've come to the realization, also, that our great love for our D is harmful to our R. The times that D has come home from college have caused H to retreat into his zen zone even deeper. He doesn't know how to reach her and sees her ministering to her mama and it hurts. He even asks me one time if she cared that he hurt too. I said she did but that he really needed to talk to her himself.

I'd love to be hanging my hat in this forum by the summertime. I'd love for D to live at home and feed her right, hug her lots, and just give her love. She feels compelled to join the ranks of the wage earners and the job hunting while she's stressed over us is manifesting in headaches. I need to figure out a way to get H involved WITHOUT being the bridge. I need our R to have H's committment. I do go on. . .sorry.

[ANS]

What you said sounds familiar, lily.

I have to have one of the most observant 11 year olds on the planet. When my R started floundering, he told W to stop making me unhappy.

Observant, but not paricularly helpful.

Guess that's what made W think that I was placing us in an adversarial position.

It's hard to DB alone. Even harder if you have "allies"

Andy

[lily]

You said it so well, Andy.

Last nite I was keeping quiet cause I had a bad headache. S kept checking on me, trying to find out what was really bothering me. H walked in one time when we were talking and gave me such a look. H requires my backing in dealing with our kids; they require that dad fix this mess. I require lots of R books. It's endless.