M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Her: You're probably wondering why I invited you to lunch
Me: I'm listening
Her: Well...I can't live like this any more. I need to move on. We don't even talk any more.
Me: There's a lot of things we don't do any more....
Me: You know..you've been saying you need to move on for 11 months now. You seem to say one thing and do another.
Her: You don't believe me?
Me: Do you blame me? I hear one thing, and see another.
Her: Well, I was hoping that we can work through this amicably.
Me: I'm listening
Her: I need to know what your priorities are.
Me: Fair enough, I have three of them
Her: For example, do you want to keep the house?
Me: Sure, I would love to keep the house.
Her: Can you afford it?
Me: No
Her: Well, maybe I can help you with that. You know, maybe you can buy me out in a few years
Me: Ok, but I don't see that happening.
Her: Why is that?
Me: I'm having a difficult time paying the bills now. You have not been paying your fair share of the family finances.
Her: I've been paying what I think I owe.
Me: You can't just pay some arbitrary number. I've given you documented detail of what you owe. And you are refusing to pay anything. (slapping seat) "Nope, I'm not gonna pay." Does that sound fair to you?
Her: Don't talk down to me. I've paid you twice. And I shouldn't have to pay for the paper. I never read it.
Me: OK, I'll take that out...(sigh)
Her: Is this how it's gonna be? Are we gonna fight?
Me: That's up to you.
Her: I don't want to do it that way.
Me: Well, it doesn't seem that way to me. Is this what your attorney advised you to do? Not pay me anything?
Her: She advised me to pay half.
Me: So you aren't taking the advice of your attorney?.... What percentage of her practice is family law?
Her: Why is that important? You want me to get another attorney?
Me: Oh, no, don't do that. She's fine with me.
Her: (tears welling in her eyes) Pay the bill.
And she walked out.
I called her cell, and she refused to answer.
Couple observations:
First, I know her very well, and she is absolutely paralyzed with fear. She is looking to me for aid and comfort. She wants me to work with her... yet she is making it difficult for me to see her as somebody I would want to help (cheating on me, not paying, etc).
Second, She is under the mistaken notion that these things go along without any disagreement. She is wrong, wrong, wrong. Although I am far from an expert, even a "same-side-of-the-table" divorce (called a dissolution in Ohio) is not without disagreement.
Third, IMO, the offer to help with the house was nothing more than throwing guilt at me. See, if she can help me with things, it becomes less likely that I will tell anybody of her infidelity. However, if she isn't helping me today, I just don't see her helping me at all tomorrow.
Fourth, her focus is on things. My focus is on the kids. I would give away everything I own for the kids to not have to go through this. Yet her focus is on finances (well, really on herself - see above).
Fifth, her walking out shows me that she is confused. Very confused. Her plan is blowing up in her face (isn't it supposed to be easier than this? Pay a lawyer, sign a few papers, and BAM!!).
Finally, I didn't get to eat my fish tacos...
So... her next step is to take the money that she owes me, pay her attorney, and file for divorce.
First, you were there - I wasn't. But let me float a different possible interpretation of her side of the conversation.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
First, I know her very well, and she is absolutely paralyzed with fear.
On this, we agree. I saw it with my own W. A MLC is a time when all of their future paths look like dead ends, and every choice looks like a trap. They may try to tell themselves that parts of it (OP) are rosy - but deep down inside, part of them knows that's crap and that they are failing, failing, failing.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
She is looking to me for aid and comfort. She wants me to work with her... yet she is making it difficult for me to see her as somebody I would want to help (cheating on me, not paying, etc).
I suspect that she is expecting aid and comfort, as much as hoping for acquiescence. Sure, her life would be SOOOO much easier if you would just "go along with the inevitable."
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
Second, She is under the mistaken notion that these things go along without any disagreement. She is wrong, wrong, wrong. Although I am far from an expert, even a "same-side-of-the-table" divorce (called a dissolution in Ohio) is not without disagreement.
Sure, more deluded, wishful thinking that the LBS will buy into the WAS Master Plan, will go along with it "amicably." Suuuuure.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
Third, IMO, the offer to help with the house was nothing more than throwing guilt at me. See, if she can help me with things, it becomes less likely that I will tell anybody of her infidelity. However, if she isn't helping me today, I just don't see her helping me at all tomorrow.
On this one, I have to wonder.
The cliche is "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore." I think the WAS's really do mean that when they say it - all of it. My W was just completely ripped apart by guilt at what she was doing to me, and to our D. It didn't change her actions - but there was a heaping helping of self-loathing that came with them. I suspect your W's offer of the house was probably legit at some level - done in hopes of soothing her own guilt as much as anything.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
Fourth, her focus is on things. My focus is on the kids. I would give away everything I own for the kids to not have to go through this. Yet her focus is on finances (well, really on herself - see above).
Well, you didn't really finish the conversation, did you? It's possible she started with the "easy stuff" - like a newspaper subscription - to feel you out before she stuck her neck out about what REALLY mattered to her - her children. And in light of how badly the "easy stuff" went - she panicked and fled in tears.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
Fifth, her walking out shows me that she is confused. Very confused. Her plan is blowing up in her face (isn't it supposed to be easier than this? Pay a lawyer, sign a few papers, and BAM!!).
Absolutely. Confused, depressed, trapped, and utterly lost. Facing a husband who not only isn't going along with The Master Plan, but who clearly is going to fight against it.
I'm not siding with her - she screwed up and she continues to screw up. She's stubbornly marching down a road that is destructive to herself and her family - knowing it's going to really, truly suck, every step of the way.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
You did great. Of course she wants to work through it amicably and amicably to her is you roll over and do what she wants without any fuss or fight so she isn't the bad guy.
You did what you could and she chose to flee. She didn't get the reaction that she wanted from you. Rob said it beautifully.
Confused, depressed, trapped, and utterly lost. Facing a husband who not only isn't going along with The Master Plan, but who clearly is going to fight against it.
Sorry about the fish tacos too, I love em!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Well, I guess you see how this is going to go. I am truly sorry about that. I'm sure you expected it, but it still sucks.
Keep your guard up now. Before papers are filed, you are very vulnerable. Even with the law on your side, it is expensive to find and recover assets that have "disappeared."
Well, I guess you see how this is going to go. I am truly sorry about that. I'm sure you expected it, but it still sucks.
Actually, her storming out is the last thing that I expected. I expected her to agree that she isn't holding her own when it comes to paying our family expenses.
Originally Posted By: nutfarmer
Before papers are filed, you are very vulnerable. Even with the law on your side, it is expensive to find and recover assets that have "disappeared."
I have detailed documentation of what she owes. If it all comes crashing down, I will get it all back. Unfortunately, in the mean time, my car may be repossessed...
