Struggling with Perceptions

[ANS]

quote:Originally posted by Jen:

Andy, it sounds like W still has some confusion about you, what she wants in the R, and what she is willing to give to the R. She's still trying to put all the blame on you, although it sounds like she realizes that is what she is doing.

I don’t think so, Jen. I think that intellectually, she knows and believes that I’m not the a**hole that she seems to describe. That’s why she called me. To let me know that this is not her mindset. What she feels in her unconscious mind may be a little different, but I think she heard me when I told her that I’m not playing mind games. That I regret any past sins, but cannot erase them.

I don’t feel like things are so fragile either. I will not revert to slothing around the house. Not just because of her, but because I genuinely want to participate with my family.

I’ve posted to a lot of people that they should not showcase their changes. Just do ‘em and wait for the spouse to notice. This is what I’ve done, and now that she brought it up, I explained my motivations.

She says she’s not stupid. I totally agree with her.

And no. She did not realize how the OR talk made me feel. Because, it made me feel great.

Y’see, Jen. The fact that she initiated it shows that she wants her feelings to change. And, she also mentioned that she would have brought it up earlier, but had to muster the courage.

She said “time will tell”. I’m not sure this is true. I’m not sure time will heal things or bury the past. I’m not sure what it’s going to take, but I know we’re on the right path now.

‘course, I’ve been wrong before.

Andy

[Jen]

I hope so too, Andy. If that's the case, I'm very happy for you!

[ANS]

The way I see it, If she told me all of this to make me miserable, then she needn't have bothered. I was doing fine the way things were.

And she knows it.

She's not stupid.

BTW, when she called, she was at the mall. I wonder if she changed the v-day card

[matilda]

Andy,

How about this approach: ask W if she is willing to try incorporating a little romance back into the R one step at a time. Like, maybe just sitting close to each other while watching t.v. in the evening (even if it's only one program), or maybe holding hands for 2 minutes, or trying to have a 10-second kiss once a day, etc. You get the picture. Just one small token a day and say you'll try it for a week or a month or whatever. After that, see if she's willing to add something else in. Tell her it's just to "see if she can get her feelings back" and that you won't put too much stock in it (yeah right),so she doesn't have to feel pressured.

I think until some of these small intimacies are reestablished it will be very hard for your W to start "growing" her feelings again. Since the door was opened a little bit today with your OR conversation, how about sticking your big toe in and see what happens. Maybe you should start another thread called "Romancing the Stone".

I'm having a great V day (hope that doesn't sound like gloating). I'm going to try to post later.
For now I need to get stuff done because tonite promises to be wonderful. I've already received a V card (said he was blessed that I still loved him), an E-mail V card, and a box of my favorite candy (he didn't forget my favorites!!). Plus he's called me 4 times already, and it's not even noon yet. Sorry. Maybe that does sound a little like gloating, but I know you'll understand. My PMA is very high today.

LOL,

M

[Jen]

Congrats, Matilda!

[Rapunzel]

I second Matilda!!

[ANS]

Thanks Matilda. I think she might go for it.

I wish I could say I’m as upbeat as I was this morning but my PMA just took a nosedive. I was shopping for a v-day card. There was one that said something like “I hope we can get back what we once had” Boy! I hope someone got fired over that one!

I reread my post from this morning and it sounds very bad. It didn’t seem so bad when she said it. Everything seemed redeemable, and I took it all as a sign that she’s willing to change her attitude.

She never told me that she didn’t love me before. She didn’t say the words this time, either, but it’s starting to feel like that’s the way things are.

I don’t know. Before we hung up from this morning’s phone call, I said ILY and she said ILY too.

I do know that we’ll make it out of this stronger than ever. It just hurts so bad right now.

Andy

[matilda]

When I was in your W's place, saying ILY even after it was said to me was very difficult -- usually elicited no response from me. So take that as a GOOD sign, Andy, that she said it. How did her voice sound when she said it? Remember, baby steps.

Sorry your PMA is down. This rollercoster ride we're all on is making me nauseated. I've had enough already. For the past two days I was pretty much down because of upcoming weekend -- today I'm flying high. Go figure.

Be happy and positive when you go home tonight. Try my suggestion from above. It's Valentine's Day, anything can happen, right?

Thinking of you,

M

[Rapunzel]

Andy, just wishing a good night on your threath.

[ANS]

Sorry, Matilda, it’didn’t pan out that way. I was feeling too low, and when I got a “friendly” v-card, it just sunk me. There was nothing really wrong with the card, but it just stuck out that W was trying not to “lead me on.” It makes me feel like there’s a huge wall between us. It makes me feel like some sort of sexual preditor.

Anyway, I felt that I had to clear some things in my mind. It’s the only way to get my PMA back. So, I went into the next round of R talks.

She said our sitch is a consequence of a lot of things that I’ve done. She said she doesn’t resent them and is not blaming, but these things happened, and they have consequences.

At certain points, she pointed out information that I withheld from her, and that by doing this, I was putting up a barrier to our communication. But, I had to point out that she said things like “I’m sick and tired of your negative attitude towards OR.” How could I discuss my feelings in this atmosphere? She was surprised that she had said that.

So, the upshot of this talk was that we agreed to keep the lines of communications open

Things were still bothering me this morning, so I asked for further clarification. “Do you want me to stop any form of affection or just sex?” She said that she never asked me to stop either.

I also told her that something she could do for me is to stop trying to “not lead me on”. I told her that I would not jump her bones if she didn’t want me to, and that when I touch her it doesn’t necessarily have to lead to sex.

At the end of all of this, I’m feeling good and W feels like krap. I guess it’s time to relax a little and let her do the same.

We’re over the 100 post mark, and I think my sitch has changed focus again, so we’ll see everyone over at Burying the Past.