Well my first thread is locked up. Thank you to all the people who have given me so much insight over the past month and a half. Today is March 1, 2 months from the day that my H admitted that the person he had called 200 times in December also was his couchmate one time. Thought I might die that night. But look I'm still here! Are we any closer as a couple? I'm not sure.
Here is my last post:
Well H brought the tea and at 12:15 called to say they were going from his friends house to the bar for 1 beer and he would be a little later maybe 20 min. He came in at 3:15. I got up out of bed at 3 and drove to the bar(3 min away) to see if his car was there, it was just his and his friend's(another friend owns the bar). Back to being inconsiderate? Sounds like it. When he came home he wanted to know where I had gone since all the snow was scraped of the car. I told him and he said I can't believe you are hunting me down again. I said I didn;t come in, say antyhing or do anything, I just needed piece of mind. He got up late for work this morning, and I let him, I thought I am not fighting to get him up. We will see how this turns out as far as our "date" tonight.
Perhaps this would be a good time to Take Stock (DR, chapter 7). The idea is to look at any progress made as a whole, not from day-to-day. Have things improved dramatically, are they slightly better, or is the R not moving forward at all? Look at the bigger picture.
There are questions MWD suggests you take into consideration to help you see where you are in the R.
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Well H brought the tea and at 12:15 called to say they were going from his friends house to the bar for 1 beer and he would be a little later maybe 20 min. He came in at 3:15. I got up out of bed at 3 and drove to the bar(3 min away) to see if his car was there, it was just his and his friend's(another friend owns the bar). Back to being inconsiderate? Sounds like it.
Inconsiderate? Yeah, probably, but at the very least, acknowledge and take some comfort in knowing that he was honest about his whereabouts.
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When he came home he wanted to know where I had gone since all the snow was scraped of the car. I told him and he said I can't believe you are hunting me down again. I said I didn;t come in, say antyhing or do anything, I just needed piece of mind.
If your H is truly willing to commit to working on your R and helping to rebuild trust, he has to understand that he must be accountable. Trying to explain this to H could be rather difficult. You have to be able to discuss it with him without coming off as controlling or accusing. No pointing of the fingers, so to speak. For example - "When you don't come home on time, it p*sses me off because I don't know what's going on! Why can't you pick up the phone and call me?" That's bad.
Remember, the key is to tell H how certain actions make you feel without actually saying that it is because of him, that his actions are the problem. Does that make sense?
A better way to get your point across would be something like this - "When I don't receive a phone call letting me know you're going to be even later, I worry. I worry if something may have happened, and not knowing what's going on is excruciating/unbearable/nerve-wrecking. Receiving a call would help ease my anxiety."
Quoting Dr. Glass in reference to Being Accountable:
Be willing to prove you are trustworthy. If you are the UP and your S is constantly snooping around, you might misperceive his or her need to know as an autonomy problem for you instead of a security issue for your S. It isn't that your partner has a neurotic need to control your every move. Rather, knowing what is really going on is the only way a traumatized person can begin to reestablish trust. Your approach here can be, "I will help you check up on me." Specifically, you can turn over the beeper, share the cellphone bills, and share you e-mail correspondence. If your A was an internet A, share your internet history file.
Be accountable for your whereabouts. You may feel smothered, but you owe it to your partner to let him or her know where you are. It may feel as if you are curtailing your freedom, but what you are really doing is taking care of your partner's anxiety. If you are going to be late, call home. It's not fair to create worry. After half an hour, your partner is imagining all kinds of horrible things. Think of what it's like to have a teenager with a new driver's license who doesn't want to wake you up by calling to let you know he or she will be late. You are already sitting on pins and needles, picturing the funeral. In your case, your partner is on pins and needles picturing the rendezvous.
BTW, as to whether or not your H is still cake-eating, I personally don't think that's the case at the moment. Not with all the positives I've seen in your sitch lately. "Good sex provides an incentive to overlook little annoyances or to rebound more quickly from arguments. A couple's sexual R creates a bond that can carry them through good and bad times."
Hope you have a great date night!
Remember - NO pressure. Hope but do NOT expect. Keep things light and low-key. PMA, PMA, PMA. Be Positive, Cheery, Upbeat.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I got up out of bed at 3 and drove to the bar(3 min away) to see if his car was there, it was just his and his friend's(another friend owns the bar).
No No No No
You should NOT have done this. Youcan not control where he goies or what he does. The only thing this did was drive him farther away. Makes him think " Why should I call she does not beleive me anyway"
IT's Hard I know. My W OM lives over 500 miles away but I still thing EVERTTIME she goes to the store "maybe he is in town." Or she is going somwwhere to call him.
You need to let go sweet heart. By letting him upset you. you are allowing him to control your feelings..
I have to go but will be back later....
DrLove
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
You are right, I didn;t expect him to know I went though, so I didn't consider it would be pushing him away.
But you have to understand as crazy as it sounds this was very controlled for me, pre all this junk I would have gone in and dragged him out by the ear for still being there at 3 am. He did send me a text from work today saying just to let you know I am at work or did you already drive by to check....
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I started right after reading the book probably around the mid January, I did really well till the confrontation on Super Bowl Sunday (Feb 3) and then did a good job while we were at Disney and then had a backslide when we returned for a few days and I am back at it again.
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Perhaps this would be a good time to Take Stock (DR, chapter 7). The idea is to look at any progress made as a whole, not from day-to-day. Have things improved dramatically, are they slightly better, or is the R not moving forward at all? Look at the bigger picture.
I need to get my own copy of the book I borrowed it from the library read it cover to cover in a day and returned it. Do you suggests DB or DR? I read DB.
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Inconsiderate? Yeah, probably, but at the very least, acknowledge and take some comfort in knowing that he was honest about his whereabouts.
I did take comfort and that is why I went, wrong or not.
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Remember, the key is to tell H how certain actions make you feel without actually saying that it is because of him, that his actions are the problem. Does that make sense?
Perfect sense, and I will work on it.
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Quoting Dr. Glass in reference to Being Accountable:
Be willing to prove you are trustworthy. If you are the UP and your S is constantly snooping around, you might misperceive his or her need to know as an autonomy problem for you instead of a security issue for your S. It isn't that your partner has a neurotic need to control your every move. Rather, knowing what is really going on is the only way a traumatized person can begin to reestablish trust. Your approach here can be, "I will help you check up on me." Specifically, you can turn over the beeper, share the cellphone bills, and share you e-mail correspondence. If your A was an internet A, share your internet history file.
Oddly this has not been an issue all the bills have always come to me and the history of the computer is wide open, in fact even his facebook and email accounts have the same passwords I set up on them. That is why when this all unfolded at Christmas is was so strange I said surely you knew I would get the phone bill with the 200 calls, he said yes but I didn;t think that you would think what you are thinking. Same with the texting from Disney he knew I would know but chose to do it and then deal with it when I found out.
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If you are going to be late, call home. It's not fair to create worry. After half an hour, your partner is imagining all kinds of horrible things. Think of what it's like to have a teenager with a new driver's license who doesn't want to wake you up by calling to let you know he or she will be late. You are already sitting on pins and needles, picturing the funeral. In your case, your partner is on pins and needles picturing the rendezvous.
No kidding, on top of everything else, on Dec 23 2000, the December before we got married my H called my house at 4 am to tell me has 33 year old brother had just died in a snowmobile accident, his wife was pregrnant with their first child, he had fallen off his snowmobile and was run over on another snowmobile by one of my H's and my best friends(the one that owns the house ow is renting). So all of a sudden I also realized that these things happen too, and it has always been a fear of mine when it starts to get to those hours of the night.
Date night has been postponed until tomorrow my parents watch D on Monday so we are going to have her sleep over there so we can have a nice evening.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
You are right, I didn;t expect him to know I went though, so I didn't consider it would be pushing him away.
But you have to understand as crazy as it sounds this was very controlled for me, pre all this junk I would have gone in and dragged him out by the ear for still being there at 3 am. He did send me a text from work today saying just to let you know I am at work or did you already drive by to check....
Ok I did not know that this was an advance for you. It is a good thing that you recognize it though. Ya see his remark WAS JUSIFIED. I know it hurt but this is what I told you he would do. Let go... it hard as you know. It is not easy... if you want easy getting divorced. Don’t know if you have read my sitch but there has been a turn of events there. My Nephew that has been a great help to me is getting divorced now. I have not talked to him yet. Stay with me on this... you have to let go. It’s like giving them rope. By checking up on them it gives them more reason to justify their actions. Yes it is like playing the martyr but if you have followed my sitch you will see how far I have come. I can feel it. I can taste victory. One way or another by the end of this year I will be free of this misery. Take the positives when ya get them and let the negatives go...
Hugs to ya
Dr LOve.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
When I first went looking for marriage-saving materials, I came across both DB and DR. I chose DR after reading MWD's intro: "It is precisely for this reason that I have written this book. I want to take the guesswork out of M-saving. And, unlike Divorce Busting, where I inadvertently gave some readers the faulty impression that they had to find a T like me to help them save their M's, I am going to show you how to become your own M expert...quickly! I have extracted the best and most effective ideas from my last book (DB), and broken them down into specific steps you can take - by yourself - to make your M work again. Plus, I have had the benefit of hearing from thousands of readers who have asked fantastic questions about the application of my ideas to their own unique situations. It has forced me to become clearer and more specific about my DB program. In fact, I have distilled it to seven steps. These steps will be the road map you need to save your M."
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I did take comfort and that is why I went, wrong or not.
You went in order to seek that comfort, right? I totally empathize and understand the immense need to know.
I personally do not like to tell anyone that they're 'wrong'; it's not my place to do so. However, I do believe this might be something you will want to work on. Controlling yourself. Controlling your emotions as well as your very own actions.
Thought-stopping. If you can get your thoughts under control, you're likely to control the actions that may follow.
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Oddly this has not been an issue all the bills have always come to me and the history of the computer is wide open, in fact even his facebook and email accounts have the same passwords I set up on them.
Sharing of the bills, e-mails, etc are just some examples. There are other ways for your H to show that he's trustworthy. In fact, he's been doing it. Placing the phone calls to let you know where he was going, where he would be, what time he'd be home. He's being accountable and he's trying to show you that you can trust him.
Yes, H slipped up by not calling to let you know he would be out even later, but he was exactly where he said he would be. Take note of the positive and throw out the negative. I know it's difficult, but let it go.
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No kidding, on top of everything else, on Dec 23 2000, the December before we got married my H called my house at 4 am to tell me has 33 year old brother had just died in a snowmobile accident, his wife was pregrnant with their first child, he had fallen off his snowmobile and was run over on another snowmobile by one of my H's and my best friends(the one that owns the house ow is renting). So all of a sudden I also realized that these things happen too, and it has always been a fear of mine when it starts to get to those hours of the night.
Oh that is so sad! I'm sorry for your losses. How are his brother's W and child doing these days? I hope well.
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Date night has been postponed until tomorrow my parents watch D on Monday so we are going to have her sleep over there so we can have a nice evening.
Sounds nice! Hope it's great.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
He did send me a text from work today saying just to let you know I am at work or did you already drive by to check....
He's upset that you felt the need to check up on him. He doesn't understand your need to know as being a way of rebuilding trust between the two of you. It has to be explained to him in clear terms so that he totally 'gets it', kwim?
How can you work on that? How can you help him to understand?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Ok Saturday night was kind of annoying. h has texted back and forth all day and we had decided not to go out Sat night, mostly I decided after H's less than enthusiastic text of I guess he still wanted to go. I though forget it then. So H mentioned a few times(again in texts) during the day what was I doing that night, kept telling him I had no plans. So he tells me I think I am going out. I really thought he was joking, all the texts had been slightly sarcastic and jokey. I asked where he said Par T Ing. Whatever! So he came home, we had supper and he went and picked up Tea (sounds like we drink a lot of Tea and coffee - well it is roll up the rim time at Tim Hortons) He said why don't you call your mom so we can go out for dinner and a movie tomorrow(which I did) Then he made some comment about when he gets home from B's house maybe we can do such and such. I said what are you talking about, he said I am going over to B's house(the same friend from the night before) to watch a movie, his wife is out of town and he is bored. I told you a number of times in the texts I was going out.....I thought he was egging me on. So he went to watch the movie said he would be home at 12 and was home at about quarter to 12. So that is all good (exceot for i am getting tired of being home alone)and we had some nice time after he came home.
We spent a lazy day on Sunday mostly lying around watching tv. Took D to my parents for 3:30 and went to dinner. Our dinner was pretty yucky, we had a $50 gift cert, and its a good thing because it didn't have much taste. We did chat during dinner. Only trouble we were done dinner and had almost 2 hours until the movie and nothing to do. Now would this normally be a problem, no, but all of a sudden we had already chatted during dinner and sitting outside the movie theatre in the car for an hour and a half was pretty quiet. We just are having trouble talking as much as we used to. The movie was good, if you like Will Ferrell, and its nice to laugh. Came back picked up a sleepy D(mom was sick) and brought her home. H was pretty frinedly again when it was bedtime. All in all, it was fairly good, the silence is a little scary but I;m not sure it wouldn't have been like that before I just notice it more now.
This morning I called the radio station again, this time I won! I won a $240 spa package and it turns out the spa is on the same street as my house. H was good enough to go from his work to pick it up, without complaining. Not bad for a Monday.
GF I am glad things look so promising for you, you deserve every ounce of happiness life has to give you. I hope that H gets his butt in gear and back into that house so the continuance wasn't necessary.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
...h has texted back and forth all day and we had decided not to go out Sat night, mostly I decided after H's less than enthusiastic text of I guess he still wanted to go. I though forget it then.
I'm curious - what was your response, or your text if there was one, to his less than enthusiastic reply? Did you actually text H and say "forget it then"?
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So H mentioned a few times(again in texts) during the day what was I doing that night, kept telling him I had no plans. So he tells me I think I am going out.
Hmmm...Next time, if date night with H doesn't pan out, why not have a backup plan?
Check out what local events may be taking place soon, a how-to class you might like to attend, or a movie you want to see. Have something planned as backup. This way, you are showing him that you are GAL. You'll be showing him that you are independent and don't totally rely on him for a night out. You'd like to hang out with him, but you don't NEED it.
If H asks again, next time, what your plans are, have them ready, and answer with something such as, "Oh I'm not sure yet, but I'm definitely not going to be home. I want to check out a few things."
Independence, confidence, and a little mystery are all very sexy.
Congrats on winning the spa package! That's so cool, and it totally reminds me that I have a couple of spa gift certificates myself! I'd better cash in on them!
BTW, thanks. I also hope that my H gets with the program soon!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
