The way I see it, Z. You can’t talk to your “friend” with a view to change her feelings/views of something that you’re intimately involved with. I know you want to show her that you’re open to talk to her on any topic, but I think you’re right to stow it for now.
I have issues that I’m feeling better about right now, but it isn’t far enough in the past to talk to W about. I’m aching to express my views, but I think they’re gonna hafta be relegated to distant past before I can bring ‘em up. I mean, it’s gonna hafta be years.
Remember the ole expression, “Time is on your side.”
I finally made it over here! I read through your thread and it sounds like you've come a LONG way. I hope things continue on that path. I really appreciate your advice and support.
Quote: I'd like to ask her how she's doing with her casual contact with him. If she's got pangs, if she sees that contact as a conflict to our improving. If she ever is torn about what her current relationship path and partner should be, and if she would or could like to talk about it. I know this is really an off limits area in general, but in the context of being her friend, I wonder if I open up to the possibility of talking about her feelings here... if I can open up a new level of trust and therefore further break down secrets and increase intimacy by showing her that I am willing to, and can be her must trusted and supportive confidant even in the most difficult of topics... The key is to be totally detached, to be completely unjudgemental and unconditionally supportive.
Wow, you took the thoughts right out of my head, I mean the exact thoughts. Although I know I'm not ready to do this yet, I think at some point I will be and when I am I probably will.
Your counselor sounds great, ours just tried to do something like yours but H wanted NOTHING to do with it. So, I don't know where to go with that.
I hope things are going well for you. I'm always checking in here now to see if you've checked in.
Hey Zedman... we've got groupies! Thanks Laney... between me Zee and I'd also suggest Peanut's threads... these are not books... these are epics!!LOL Hey Zee... dontcha have a Birthday coming up... you're older again!
I'd like to ask her how she's doing with her casual contact with him. If she's got pangs, if she sees that contact as a conflict to our improving. If she ever is torn about what her current relationship path and partner should be, and if she would or could like to talk about it. I know this is really an off limits area in general, but in the context of being her friend, I wonder if I open up to the possibility of talking about her feelings here... if I can open up a new level of trust and therefore further break down secrets and increase intimacy by showing her that I am willing to, and can be her must trusted and supportive confidant even in the most difficult of topics... The key is to be totally detached, to be completely unjudgemental and unconditionally supportive. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When this was first posted, I was not in a good frame of mind, but now I seem to be back on a even keel.
I had attempted to go this route with my W, but she wouldn't allow it because the thought proccess she needed to go through required her to search her feeling with total honesty. When it relates to OP, that can be BRUTAL as they contemplate "...why can't I be with them?..." or even "...why can't I be with BOTH?...". I only learned some insight to her thoughts because she would journal them to help sort through them and I read it while snooping.
They don't want to include you in this process because they feel it will hurt you and they don't want to add more hurt than they already have or deal with the guilt brought on by the additional hurt. Fearing such an outcome will most likely make them uncomfortable to talk to you on this topic.
If you like to read more details about my experience with this stop by my thread...
thanks for the plug, but my thread was butchered in the last board switch. may have to put Nigel or someone to work to fix it. seems it didn't like the 60 page intro post.
wish I had time or energy, but I'm home with a kid and a monk and they're keeping me quite busy.
My first post to the new forum format. I'm a-skeered I might mess up!!!!
Good to see you here Laney. I just stopped by. I'm on kind of a "board moritorium" for now. I find the board gets to me after awhile, so I frequently take sebaticals.
Once again, you have shown me, and hopefully yourself, how similar so many situations are. When I first learned this, it was a breath of fresh air to realize I was not alone. I helps me by helping me understand that I was not totally responsible for all this, and helps me understand that I can't fix it all. And, that if I can't fix it, it doesn't mean that I'm bad, or a failure.... that there is another involved with this, and that there are somethings I cannot control.
Also, it show me that my situation is unique in some ways, in that there are really no rules here, other than to keep doing what works, and stop doing what doesn't, and always look for more things that do work. I find all the pretty easy. One thing I find hard is to try something different that I fear might backfire, but seems to make sense. I have found that taking risks and sticking my neck out, I have made some of the best moves in rebuilding trust. I've done some damage also, but not nearly as much as when I "get it right". It's frightening, but it feels really good when it works.
I've not followed up on the idea I recently mentioned, but I keep looking for opportunities to show my support and empathy. The key to broaching something this deep and personal in the WS is to not push it. It's important to realize how much importance we place on somethings that may actually offend the other, and realize that much of the urge is to make ourselves feel better. We must remember that so often, it ain't about us. Then, when we can look beyond those things that are important to us, we can better see those that are important to them, and see how the opportunities to do things that build the trust and intamacy. That's how I try to operate, and I struggle with maintaining the patience to do it.
I hear that. I see that all the time, where I'm sure she's withdrawn to deal with her own demons. It's exactly those times where I try to see what I can do to let her know that I support her and I'm here if she needs a friend. The bad thing is that I sometimes wish I could get her to do the same back, but she's just not ready. I mean, there are times I just wish she'd acknowledge that she's put me through hell. That she's just acknowledge that she knows I'm hurting too. Or, that she'd just let me in a little bit, and allow us both to heal a little by allowing each other to see the pain.
I see that the only way this can happen is by my offering loving support, non-judgement, and being there for her. I see that my agenda is irrelavent for now, and probably for ever. I must keep reminding myself that it's not about me. As Don Miguel Ruis says.... "don't take anything personally". (from "the four agreements"). I know that I sometimes get needy, I just have to not show it too much to her.
