My story, please help

[GavinO]

My wife and I have had a bad year, her more than me.

In April 2007 a business we were trying to sort out went wrong
She then had an investigation at work that could have ruined her career
She then broke her coccyx
One of her clients died in her arms and because of this another potential career flushing
Her dad has been unwell
She had a new boss who was not nice to her.

I have sufered from depression and basically have not supported my wife, have taken her for granted and not done my part in our relationship for the last 6 months to a year. I love her very much but she wants a divorce.

On 22 January 08 She said she needs space and I left for a week to give her that space, came back and she said that the idea was to shock me but it has gone downhill.

She said she wanted a divorce on 2nd Feb 2008

She made us separate (same house) and I am in the spare room, she is very extreme at the moment and has got more so over the last 5 weeks.

She did bring up relationship problems in Oct/ Nov 07 but because I was depressed I did not react well to it and went more downhill.

She says that she doesnt love me, doesnt see a future with us and doesnt want to try any more.

She has not spoken to anyone about it including her parents apart from telling them that we are divorcing. Whenever she has seen her parents she collapses into tears. She had a fight with her sister when her sister questioned her about the decision and snapped at one of our friends when she asked if it was the right decision.

She also made her mum cry when her mum tried to speak with her Her parents are really distressed at the situation and all of our friends are shocked, I am basically a good guy and love my wife very much. Everyone knows I love her dearly and until recently she loved me too.

We have done great things together and have been very successful for our ages.

She has told me never to speak with her parents or twin sister and she has told them to never speak to me.

She says that she does not regard us as married and has not worn her wedding & engagement rings since the end of January, she said she is looking for someone else and feels like f8cking a 19 year old.

She is 32 in April 08 and I am 31 in May 08.

We have been together for 9.5 years and married for just over 4 years.

She has got a very vicious tounge and can be very spiteful and I am getting both barrels at the moment.

She is absolutely set and runs away whenever I push (I have stopped pushing)

She has some younger friends at work who she seems to spend quite some time with.

She has been smoking maruana and drinking quite frequently over the last 5 weeks. She has also been out quite a few times and stayed at her work friends and her sisters houses.

Her behaviour is a bit erratic such as putting the house on the market but paying some costs either when its sold or taken off the market. Saying she will stay away for several days but comming back after one nigh.

She had a first meeting with a divorce lawyer on 6th Feb then nothing happened, then due to me looking after her when she was very, very drunk on the 14th Feb (sorted her out when she was throwing up then lay with her to make sure she was ok)she went nuts in the morning and got the lawyer to write a letter to me warning me and saying divorce proceedings have been started but I have not had any letters through.

I have changed myself and taken steps to do so(you know when you change fundamentally)I have done all of the tidying up in the house.

I am working on myself and these forums have been helpful.

I love my wife dearly and really want to save our marriage but don't know what to do when she is so adamant and nasty. She refuses everything at the moment.

We do actually make a great couple

I have recently discovered DBing and will do it in earnest.

Our marriage and relationship is well worth saving and I love her lots, What can I do?!?

Any help or guidance or advice appreciated.

I understand and feel the pain of you others out there, it is terrible.

Thanks all

Gavin

[GavinO]

Anyone?

I don't know but I would have thought that she would have spoken to someone about divorce possibly even just her parents or just her mother, also she is not talking to anyone at all. Is this 'normal'?

As stated any guidance from wiser people is appreciated.

[Just_Me]

I love my wife dearly and really want to save our marriage but don't know what to do when she is so adamant and nasty. She refuses everything at the moment.

The key sentence is that she refused everything at the moment. So you've been suggesting do this or that (marriage counseling, going out, etc)? If so, stop. She won't do anything for this marriage until she's ready.

Your first step is to diffuse this anger of hers. She won't see past it. How to do that? Give her space and remove any pressure. Don't be obviously hung up on her and don't go overboard trying to initiate conversations, etc.

While you are giving her space, give yourself permission to focus on yourself. Find activities that you enjoy. Work on the issues that troubled your marriage. If you are depressed, go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants to help lift your mood. Don't let her see you broken. Be strong, confident, happy. I know this sucks, but it isn't the end of the world or the end of your life. Use this time where she's angry to better yourself. And try to hear her out without defending yourself.

[GavinO]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

I am on antidepressants at the moment and have been for a couple of weeks, I have also been focussing on myself doing gym training, seeing a therapist and so on.

I am also aware of the issues that were there, I took her for granted and did not nurture our relationship. It has steadily declined over the last year and really bad the last 6 months (depression)

I am committed to saving our marriage as it is worth saving but it seems hopeless at the moment, why the thundering towards the divorce being nasty and so on (i'm nice so dont really understand nasty especially to somone you love). She is even packing some things.

She has always said she woudl only marry once, that I was the one and she does not believe in divorce but here we are (or there we are going).

I am ready to move forward, I have grown up somewhat as I do all the housework at the moment, she has done none (I have no problems with this) its just the reconnecting with each other but I am getting stonewalled all the time and have done over the last 5 weeks.

Any suggestions of how I can get her open to the possibility of us sorting things out? I have decided (rather than hope) to make our relationship fantastic if we get there.

Its just getting there.

[kturnernc]

Keep moving forward for yourself. Do not push her to do anything at all. Let her make the moves. I think she is being extremely nasty to you because she is still trying to sort out what she wants and how she feels. Let her have the time.

Keep working on yourself. Make yourself worth while. Be positive... SMILE!!! you will get through this. Keep going.

[Just_Me]

Any suggestions of how I can get her open to the possibility of us sorting things out?

That's the problem; you CAN'T get her open to anything. Basically, you can't make her do anything. She's in independent mode and will resent any of your attempts to control the situation. You can only hope that she at some point becomes open to the possibility of sorting things out. That doesn't mean you can't indirectly influence her. You can show her someone that she'd be crazy to leave.

I do all the housework at the moment, she has done none

This is fairly classic. The guy suddenly switches gear and becomes Mr. Do everything. I personally think it's a little overboard. It comes across as too much in her face. And, just like her, you shouldn't have to do everything. You can continue to do things around the house, but I'd slack off of it a bit. Find some activities outside the house. Did you say whether you have kids? If you do, then spend quality time with them. If you don't, then pick a couple days a week where you get out of the hostile environment of the house. You need to recharge your batteries if you want to be in this for any length of time. Rediscover old friendships and interests. If you don't have friends, find some group to belong to or do some stuff for yourself. It's okay to tell her that you are going to something, and casually ask, "wanna come?", but go anyway if she isn't interested. Don't let her wear you down with her anger.

[GavinO]

I will keep hanging in there, thanks for the advice.

We don't have kids but we do have a cat

it has been 5 weeks so far of steadily getting worse, vindictive and angry.

My parents advocate giving her a shock somehow by offering to buy her out so giving her the keys to escape, though I don't want to take the risk at the moment as she is likely to take the cash and run. I need time,

Anyone got a magic wand handy?

Thanks for the advice, any further guidance is welcome

[Just_Me]

Gavin,

No ploys. First, it's not what you really want, so why do it? Second, be true to yourself. Become a better person, yes, but don't become someone you are not just for her. There may come a time when you just can't take anymore of this. Sometimes being together in the same house is just too much. Although it may be too soon, it may actually be preferable for you to be the one that suggests she leaves rather than she be the one that either suggests you leave or that leaves you. But that's down the road. Just try giving her space in the house, even if you need to vacate it a couple nights a week.

[one_light]

Hi Gavin, you have come to the right place. I'm in no position to give advice, but I do know that the best thing you can do is just work on yourself. Doing 180's and stuff like that. I assume you are reading the books. They are very helpful. So are the people here. There are lots of us here standing for our marriages. We know what you are feeling and that it is hell. Good luck and God bless.

[sandi2]

Hi Gavino,

Listen, this poor girl has had enough shock in her life the past year.

My parents advocate giving her a shock somehow by offering to buy her out so giving her the keys to escape

From everything you told us, she has had a hell of a time and you were not there for her. My personal advice is to show stability and strength.....not shock treatment.

I think she is trying to escape her life. Well, who wouldn't want to escape! Look what she has been through. One of the reasons that I turned to OM was that my life sucked so badly that I wanted to escape. I wanted to rebel and become totally opposite from what I had always been. I also wanted a knight to come save me from all my dispair. That is what she is looking for.

She is trying to run from all the mess that has happened to her lately. You may have no choice except to give it time to run its course. In the meantime, take these other folk's advice about working on yourself. I know how it feels when the H is not there for you. I also know what it's like to have depression, so I'm not trying to be mean to you. Hope you can try to hang in there and not move on without her in your life too quickly. Have lots of patient. Don't give in to a D easily....by that, I mean don't just give it to her to get it over with b/c she could change her mind. She is very hurt, confussed and sounds like she could be on the edge of a nervous break-down. I hope her family will be there for her and help her.

Keep coming back. We care.

Sandi