Always been a matter of trust...

[nicky]

Well, in my normal home on the board (http://66.111.66.234/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=24&t=004011), I've been thinking about the trust issues between my H and I... if anyone over here isn't familiar with my story, the long and short of it is that I came to the board as a just about WAW, but because of our two young children, decided to try DBing as a way of solving our problems and keeping myself married. All in all, as long as I'm looking at progress and not looking for perfection, I'd say DB has been working...and I feel more and more like it's time for me to move on over here because I feel like the crisis is mostly over and now I need to work on keeping things at a level that won't send me running again.

Anyway, my big question right now is about trust. I love my H but I can't say I trust him... When we were dating, he cheated and ended up with a baby girl (my now stepdaughter). I'd pretty much gotten over that-- I mean, I was able to forgive even if I couldn't really forget. But in the process of this time when I'd been considering divorce, several issues have occurred which started me being suspicious again... and it hurts much more this time because, damn it! how could he possibly do this again?

There's no proof... and really, if he did, it was before we started working on our marriage... so a big part of me thinks I should just get over it... I don't have anything concrete pointing to it-- just a bunch of "clues"... and I have to admit that our marriage is better now than it has been for a while-- not best, but definitely better...

Despite that, I can't help wondering if I'm going to have to resign myself to sharing my husband with others... under the theory that if I don't know about it and he's treating me well, then it shouldn't matter...

This issue and the issue between him and my mom are causing me so much grief... and I can't see how to be solution oriented in these cases--

I'm trying to keep the good momentum up and not throw my hands in the air and turn away... but it is hard. And I guess some of it is a pride thing-- cause I've always said that if he cheated again, I'd be gone so quick... and now, here I am feeling pretty sure that he's had an EA if not a PA and I'm not acting on it... I'm feeling like a fool, that's what...

So I'm wondering how the rest of ya'll deal with the trust issue? I realize it's a different situation with me since it's normally the walk away that cheats... but I'm sure the emotions I'm feeling are the same as ya'lls...

nicky

[Harmony]

Nicky,
I'm feeling the same thing about trust, and I KNOW about the A. He has manipulated me over and over again and only fed me piecemeal information and just doesn't "get it" when it comes to my need for him to rebuild the trust. As far as he's concerned it's over and I just need to "get over it".

We were separated for six days, and during that time I was happier and more optimistic about the future than I had been in many years!

I'm pretty much back where I was before that, only worse because all my worst suspicions have been confirmed. My marriage basically boils down to this: I am expected to meet ALL of his needs immediately and unquestionably, and he will meet my needs IF he thinks I really need it or deserve it and IF and WHEN it is convenient for him.

Prior to the separation and subsequent disclosure of the A, the only need I was still holding on to was the security of monogamy, and now I don't even have that (though he swears it's over, but what good is his word for anything?).

So, I've reached rock-bottom with all my hopes and dreams. And I have still decided to stay, oddly enough. At least I know and have accepted the worst. What keeps me going at this moment in time (and I am realizing that can change in an instant) is release of my expectations, that I will not get what I need or want from him, but I will stay for my children's sake. What enables me to accept this is the light at the end of the tunnel, that my youngest child will be grown one day and then I can leave.

In the meantime, I will enjoy as much of my life that does not hurt as much as I can. I can't change who he is or what he did to me, I can't control what he may be doing to me now or may do to me in the future, and I cannot put any hope in him. I cannot trust him, but I can try to enjoy myself. I have really struggled with it, but have found some release in just letting go of all my expectations in regard to him. (It helps to think of him as handicapped, because when it comes to basic compassion and empathy for the feelings of others, he certainly appears to be handicapped.)

We do have enjoyable times together, so I just try to stay in the moment and enjoy it. We have a great sex life together, and this was one of the hardest things to let go and enjoy because of the medical risks involved with someone who may not be monogamous, but I finally just decided to place my trust in myself and my doctor instead and just presume that I need to be checked regularly to protect my health. So, I was able to let go of that anxiety and relax and enjoy at least that much of the relationship.

Kind of a strange key to peace, but it has worked for me so far (only 15 days). I don't expect him to love me, cherish me, protect me, be faithful to me, treat me right, etc. But I do have God, my children, my extended family, my friends, and hopefully I will still have a satisfying life no matter what he does to my face or behind my back.

I think sometimes there is no other way but to find the peace we need inside ourselves no matter what is swirling around us.

I have been a child of divorce myself, and I put my first set of children through divorce. I've decided to take a different path this time because I know beyond a doubt how destructive that path is--it destroyed me and my children. I'd like at least some of my children to have a chance at a happy life if at all possible, and it is worth redefining and adjusting my own pursuit of happiness to enable them to have that chance.

Harmony

[ October 08, 2001: Message edited by: Harmony ]