Boy! I bet that got attention!!! No, I'm not anyone's OW, but I'm reading a book by Anita Shreve (she wrote "The Pilot's Wife") And there's an interesting comment that one of the characters made and I want to share it here.
In this book the character had married a brilliant and famous man who had left his wife and two children.
Here's her comment: "When a man leaves his wife and children for another woman, there's a burden on that woman. She has to be worth the sacrifice."
The other character replies, "I'm sure you were."
And her reply is, "No one is worth that kind of sacrifice...."
She then explains how this personally affected her, "To be worth the sacrifice, every word had to be incandescent." In other words, she had to always seem the "better choise," sort of a perfect, flawless being.... or else he'd be left with huge regret, and he would always feel she was somewhat responsible for his loss.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
That is interesting. I wonder if this type of thinking helped lead to the OW's ending the R with my H.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
And the additional thing is a lot of the postings I've seen here seem like the OW's are somewhat dysfunctional. I mean I guess in the first place to get involved with a married person sometimes with kids you are probably at least slightly dysfunctional anyway. The OW in my case is also married with kids, on her 2nd or 3rd marriage, and her kids, according to friends of mine who know them are troubled and have emotional problems. I've noticed other people posting about OW's seem to post that the OW's have problems with drinking or other addiction problems as well. I don't see how many, if any of these type of women would be worth breaking up a family for. Karen43
That is a very interesting thought. I think there is definitely a lot of pressure on the OP because there is a measure of truth to that.
My H's OW is "emotionally imbalanced" (not my words, but the words of a mutual friend of HERS and mine). I think it is hard for the WAS to see that when they are caught up in the first blush of romance, the rush and excitement covers up all that. Not love is blind, but LUST is blind. Otherwise, I can't explain it.
I know my ego took a blow when I found out about OW, not only was my H having an affair, but I'd been replaced with THAT!?!?!? I mean, if he'd left me for some rich supermodel at least I'd think he was moving up in the world lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I read somewhere that it's sort of like a 'knight in shining armor' philosophy. OP needs "rescuing" and the WAS thinks they're the person for the job. OP is someone who needs help. They help the LBS feel empowered and needed. The OP makes LBS feel better about themselves.
I don't know if that's what hooked my H, but OW in my sitch was definitely dysfunctional, too.
I read somewhere that it's sort of like a 'knight in shining armor' philosophy. OP needs "rescuing" and the WAS thinks they're the person for the job. OP is someone who needs help. They help the LBS feel empowered and needed. The OP makes LBS feel better about themselves.
I've read this as well (can't recall where) and believe it myself.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I think in my case the OW has told my H that she is in a bad marriage or something from the very few comments he's made. Once she is out of that and living with him though and she's been "rescued", and then he's living with her, I wonder how things will go. She seems the opposite of me: I am the laidback full-time mom type easygoing never complaining type & she is a perfectionist workaholic. H is a slob and has some other flaws, so I think that will be interesting for him & her ...Karen43
I have talked to OW at length about her life story. She was an LBS, though not for an OW (she doesn't think) - just basically abaondoned. My H was her "knight", he was going to save her, make up for all the hurt her H had caused. She is needy and weak and so she had repressed all of the signs that my H was married and lying to her about everything about him. The lies my H told were actually borderline psychotic - it's a wonder she didn't see right through them, but then again, she didn't want to.
So b/c he was her knight, OW made my H feel really good about himself, right when he was feeling like life had no meaning (deep in MLC). I believe it when they say that many A's are not about the OP but about how the OP makes the WAS feel - like looking in a very flattering mirror. The WAS really likes the person they see reflected back at them from OP - which is always wonderful at the start of any R. It's not about the OP, it's about how OP makes WAS feel about themselves. And I suppose, it's partly b/c I wasn't doing that for H at that time. Or not, since in MLC they say that there may be nothing LBS could have done to change things.
Just a few thoughts. Thanks for starting this thread, running, it has made me think some more and let go responsibility a little more, and detach a little more.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
...Karen43