It IS simple. Very simple. Just not easy at all. The good part about the simplicity is that there are very few rules for success, and you've hit on them pretty well in your above post. I like to simplify them further to 2 major points that I try to always remember, and I try my best to live by.
The first is The Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."
The second, when you do feel you have The Wisdom and Courage to make a Change is to follow what I consider the prime directive of DivorceBusting... Essentially (I can't find the quote), it says to always consider your goals before you do anything... If your actions will bring you closer to those goals, then go for it (and if it works, do more of it). If you actions drive you farther from those goals, consider doing something else...
founda song by a artist my W likes funny i hope she listens to it lol
Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing You believed in superstitions Then maybe you'd see the signs
The Lord knows that this world is cruel I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool Learning lovin' somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you Must I always be playing, playing your fool
I sang your songs, I danced your dance I gave your friends all a chance But putting up with them Wasn't worth never having you
Maybe you've been through this before But it's my first time so please ignore The next few lines cause they're directed at you
I can't always be waiting, waiting on you I can't always be playing, playing your fool
I keep playing your part But it's not my scene Want this plot to twist I've had enough mystery Keep building it up Then shooting me down But I'm already down
Just wait a minute Just sitting, waiting Just wait a minute Just sitting, waiting
Well, if I was in your position I'd put down all my ammunition I'd wonder why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you And if I was, I wouldn't be so cruel Cause waitin' on love aint so easy to do
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you Must I always be playing, playing your fool
No, I can't I always be waiting, waiting on you I can't always be playing, playing your fool
i will be tsking DR into my squad tonight. hope for a slow night and i will sit and read. i will admitt i just "skimmed it" last time. time for me to get to work.
Zebra heres the problem though. my goals are to be with my W . my gut tells me to ask her out and show her love. THIS IS NOT WORKING!!!! so i guess my new action is to give my wife space. i still have the goal to get with her but noew im trying a diffrent option. isw this what you mean?
Your comment to Zebra is what drives me f***ing nuts. READ THE BOOK. It talks about exactly this situation!!! She is resisting you, so you push a little...she must understand how much you love her! She isn't responding. So you push a little harder. Eventually, as I said in one of my first posts, she will run for the hills and never look back. This is proven...you are not unique.
I have done exactly what you are doing, and trust me - it backfired. And my W and I are in a fairly good sitch right now.
READ THE !@#$ BOOK Marcum! Don't talk to your W again until you do.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
my goals are to be with my W . my gut tells me to ask her out and show her love. THIS IS NOT WORKING!!!!
You said it, not me. It's very important that you are able to see this in everything you do. It is often counter-intuitive. Remember that, because there very will come a time that what you are trying now without success will be the very thing that WILL work at another time. That's when it's time to try something different. BTW, trying something different always works, because to define actions that DO work. Also, don't forget that this will take time. Settle in for the long haul.
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so i guess my new action is to give my wife space. i still have the goal to get with her but noew im trying a diffrent option. isw this what you mean?
I could not have said that better! It's so much easier for me and Mink when you say yourself what we would tell you
Think about what you have just realized and think about how to impliment. REmember that if you cannot think of what to do that works, do nothing. Nothing rarely doesn't work. It gives you time to reconsider and make a plan about doing something different.
This is going to take all the time it takes. Get ready for that. You are getting ahead of yourself in some of your concerns. Take it one day at a time for now. Don't worry about taxes until you have to, and remember you can file an extension. Don't worry about leases in May, you can probably also get that extended too. Worry about it when you need to. Right now, worry about making yourself feel better and letting her get her head together. Avoid pursuing her. As for the texts and calls, if she asks you to call, do what she asks and no more, but even less. If you stop trying to contact her, she may even get curious about that and contact you. Follow her lead, don't pursue, and give her all the time and space she needs, and much more than she asks for.
it just scares the f%^k out of me. i see her actualy agreeing to to stuff so i get happy. but when she does she seems to TRY to not have fun. so since she pulls away so damn hard im afraqid that if i just let go and wait she will continue her self-justified route away. i woke up today and realised that huge chunks of my life ( her family, our marital traditions) are not gone, possably forever. think i will hit the gym later. i need to get out of the funk.
That's the trap you lead YOURSELF into. You can get excited about something, then she will fade away again and dash your PMA. I handled that by lowering my expectations to zero, and keeping them there. That way, anything positive was wonderful, anything negative was not disappointing (well, not too much...) If she "tries not to have fun", well so what. You can't do anything about it, and if you have fun anyway, so much the better.
What would it be like if everything was going fine in your marriage, and she was sick with a cold, but came along on an outing anyway? You have fun, but her sniffles, sneezes and general misery made it not so fun for her... you wouldn't really have any less fun, but you would lovingly empathize with her, and you would be supportive. That's because you wouldn't take her not so fun time personally, even though you empathized.
Keep looking for baby steps forward. The fact that she still wants contact is a good baby step. Take everything for what it is, don't read anything into it. Do not pursue, but be willing to follow.
Here is what my X began telling my sons right before our bomb. The boys were 16 and 18, dealing with girlfriends.
She told them in a number of approaches that women want what they can't have. They want the dangerous guy, the exciting man.
There is nothing mysterious to your W about knowing you are sitting home pining away. The same goes for lots of talk about the R when she feels uncomfortable doing so right now.
Consider another guy walking past her on the street. He smells good, the latest cologne. He is wearing a crisp new shirt she likes. Maybe her fav color or style. Perhaps his hair is short but styled, not dated. And if they were to talk to each other, what would they discuss? Would he ask about her, and listen? Would he be upbeat or pittyful? Who would your W want to spend time with if she could be with anyone she wanted?
Think about taking this time to become that person. I am not saying that she had better respond to those kind of things before the girl next to her does, but stuff happens. BTW ... you need to distance yourself from those kind of suggestions by others. That is not how you Stand For Your M, if that is your goal.
In so many words, all these things are in the books. When you finish really reading what you have, read Mars Venus, and Five Love Languages. Those might even be things you can mention on a date with your W, but don't offer the books as a cure for what is wrong with her. There is nothing wrong with her, from her view. But if she responds well to things you find in these books, you may feel like she is healing and so will you.
