So does this mean we're on the mend?

[Michael Mc C]

Time for a new one, so here it is. As my new subject states, I'm not really sure where we're at. I know what it feels like and I know what she says, but are we really "on the mend"?

Until we do something about it (counseling, Retro, etc.) I guess we're still in stasis. I should do something about that I guess. But not tonight...

Here are my threads:

Thread #1
Thread #2
Thread #3

[Michael Mc C]

Haven't posted in a while now. Let's see, what's been happening...

Okay, the biggest, of course, is she told me that Divorce is no longer something she's interested in. She wants to remain here, remain married but she admits that she's not sure why (love, kids, easier, etc.) I don't mind the honesty, truly appreciate it actually, but it's still not the "What the hell was I thinking? Of course I love you. Look what I was about to do to us" that I had been hoping for. She has agreed that unless we do something to help her find out WHY, things won't change all that much for the better.

Reality is, I guess, there are still a lot of questions in her mind as to how we got here and why. Also, I'm sure she's really starting to consider the amount of work it's going to take to get things back on track. Hell, I'm a little nervous about that myself.

We have had some great days and nights.

I went out with BIL/GF and some new friends on Friday night. I had WAAAAY too much fun and slept over. When I woke up on Saturday around 11:00 I had 5 text messages from my wife. I was sure I was going to get hammered by her (she has to be at work by 9:00). Not one of the messages was angry and in fact 3 of the messages were joking around with my soon-to-be hung over self.

She ran out of gas yesterday on the way to school and asked me to come rescue her. Some guys stopped to help but because she was on a hill (about 15% grade), the small amount of gas they put in wasn't helping at all. They tried pushing the car UP the hill and over to the OPPOSITE side of the road. I have no idea what they thought it would accomplish but all it did was nearly get them run down by my car, which ended up stuck against the curb blocking an entire lane of traffic as it rolled back towards them.

I showed up, put more gas in but the car still wouldn't start. I pushed the car (while in the driver's seat) the rest of the way over the curb, cut the wheel so the car backed across the other lane and into a level driveway. I then pushed it back out into the road and coasted it down the hill into a parking lot. Started fine... What a HERO!!!

And she was VERY pleased but no more than a very energetic thank you (which, by the way, is so much better than the 'thanks' you get when someone feels that all you've done is fulfill an obligation).

Okay, rambling again. The last couple of things I want to mention is that I feel we COULD be piecing this thing back together but I hesitate to move to that board only because we have not yet decided on what our next steps are going to be.

Finally, it seems that the fabled ILY is just around the corner, but always JUST AROUND THE CORNER. Sometimes I see it in her eyes, or hear it in her voice. Could be wishful thinking, of course.

That's it for now.

[hopeforfuture]

Mike,
Glad somebody got to sleep late. I was up at 8 on Saturday.

I guess since she is maintaining the position that she doesn't want to pursue divorce, you are at some stage of piecing. Glad to see you here.

She wants to remain here, remain married but she admits that she's not sure why (love, kids, easier, etc.) I don't mind the honesty, truly appreciate it actually, but it's still not the "What the hell was I thinking? Of course I love you. Look what I was about to do to us" that I had been hoping for. She has agreed that unless we do something to help her find out WHY, things won't change all that much for the better.

Reality is, I guess, there are still a lot of questions in her mind as to how we got here and why. Also, I'm sure she's really starting to consider the amount of work it's going to take to get things back on track. Hell, I'm a little nervous about that myself.

I can completely understand wanting to see the light bulb come on and having the W come to the oh so obvious conclusion that you have already arrived at. I've felt the same way myself. Unfortunately there are many mixed emotions that will take time for her to sort out and also, the work ahead can seem daunting. Just try to put a little bug in her ear that work doesn't always need to be difficult and tiring. It can sometimes be fun and rewarding if you know what I mean? Try to be flirty and even a little cocky. It might get her attention.

Looking forward to that sushi.

[runningoutoftime]

Go SLOW.... build a friendship. It will take time, but it sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Don't expect anything and be very very very patient.

[sgctxok]

Yeah!!! You can move to Piecing if you want to.

You may want to use some of the SEVEN CREATIVE APPROACHES to get more love in your marriage. (See Keeping Love Alive...and all of these are also contained in Divorce Remedy).

You must be doing something right.

Do you know what it is (or they are)?

[Michael Mc C]

Funny enough I've been looking back to see if I can figure out what ended up working the best. I can't put my finger on anything specific yet (although I definitely post what I come up with). In the end I like to think that a lot of what has turned things around is my basing my actions (DB'ing and all) on the fact that I truly know who my wife is at her core - regardless of her alien/foggy state.

[Pamar]

Mc C,

You sound like you are in the same sitch as me, seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but still not sure how long it is.

I know (from personal experience) that now you want to start running to the end, but I think that the best thing to do is ..... slow it down.

As ROOT quite rightly said, work on being the best friend and confidante. From that, the feelings will slowly come back.

There is a brilliant story somewhere on this sight about a castle and a picnic. Everytime I feel that I want to run, I imagine that and slow down again.

[Michael Mc C]

You may be right Pamar. It may be time slow things down a bit.

Time for some journalling I guess: Things have been really good lately. We have had some very open and honest discussions, with a lot of emotion and really no angry words. It's as if something has changed overnight with the way she speaks to me.

I have, on 3 occassions, sent her emails over the past 2 weeks that could have resulted in anger, accusations, yelling or simply the cold shoulder (it was not my intent to upset her but I MUST be honest with her). Her responses to each of these has been kind, gentle, understanding, humorous and not at all defensive. She explains herself very clearly now and she speaks in a hopeful way.

I'm simply amazed by this. We have quite a way to go, I know.

We are going out this Friday for sushi. The plan was originally for the two of us to go, with her brother and his GF and another DB'ing couple that I went out with a few weeks ago. The 'party' has grown from 6 to about 13 - hope we don't scare any new friends off!!

I have sent a link to Retro to my wife but we have not yet discussed it.

Maybe a little help this Friday is in order...

One thing to mention. We had a bit of a disagreement over the weekend and in an email (one of the previously mentioned) I discussed the OM. She responded to that point with her hopes that he chokes on his lies...

I was actually disturbed by this because as much as she says she has reached indifference regarding him, it is apparently not the case. So in another email I mentioned that as long as she has that anger and pain, she cannot be FULLY HERE. Her response to this, via email first and then verbally, was "you've done massive amounts of research, you know that anger is one of the phases. This is a good sign, it is progress."

I couldn't help but laugh. She's right. I am expecting too much too soon. She also recognizes that there IS a goal here - one that I am fairly confident we share.

Two days ago she told me that she feels we have made great strides in rebuilding/reconnecting. She thoroughly enjoys my company and still finds me fun and attractive. Damn. I feel like I'm bragging here.

I've written enough but I think I owe LWB a response from A LONG time ago regarding the game my wife likes to play - the same one I started to play "under the radar"... she caught me about 5 weeks ago. At first she thought it was great and really enjoyed playing with me KNOWING it was me now (we interacted a lot in the game but she didn't know it was me). After a few days she began to resent my actions and the actions of her online friends who had helped me. She stopped playing the game with me and stopped playing with those friends. After about a week she slowly came back into the game and reconnected with those friends, had some discussions with them regarding her feelings of being betrayed but admitted that none of us intended anything underhanded. We, too, have had many discussions about it, including this weekend when she told me how happy she is that I play the game with her.

This has been a huge contributor to our reconnection even though it really is a very small part of the time we spend together. Amazingly, this tiny aspect has opened up so much more to us. As was my plan from the beginning (well, since October 24th anyway), this was something we could share and it has lead to more sharing and healing than I even dreamed of. I had hoped she wouldn't learn about my character until we were "better". I am so happy it turned out this way though.

[hopeforfuture]

One thing to mention. We had a bit of a disagreement over the weekend and in an email (one of the previously mentioned) I discussed the OM. She responded to that point with her hopes that he chokes on his lies...

I was actually disturbed by this because as much as she says she has reached indifference regarding him, it is apparently not the case. So in another email I mentioned that as long as she has that anger and pain, she cannot be FULLY HERE. Her response to this, via email first and then verbally, was "you've done massive amounts of research, you know that anger is one of the phases. This is a good sign, it is progress."

I couldn't help but laugh. She's right. I am expecting too much too soon. She also recognizes that there IS a goal here - one that I am fairly confident we share.

Yes, it will take time for her feelings to fade and you'll need to excercies patience and understanding. It sounds like things have taken a turn for the better.

Good for you Mike.

[Michael Mc C]

Had a great time out with my Wife and friends Friday night - old and new friends. After sushi went back to my house and, although we planned on having a total of 6 people, we ended up having an impromptu party (around 14 people in all I think) starting right around midnight. I had a blast, my wife had a blast and I think all of our guests had a blast - hope so anyway, live music is always fun...

However I have once again realized that I can be my own worst enemy. I had quite a few drinks and for some reason found myself becoming angrier and angrier with my wife. She neither said nor did anything to warrant my change of mood so I decided it would be best to remove myself from the rest of the crowd before I said or did anything...

Well, that worked for a while but once I thought I had regained my composure I joined the party again and things went downhill. I ended up making some comments to my wife which upset her, she went to bed and like an idiot I decided to follow her to "hash it out."

In case you're wondering - no, it was not a wise decision. All I succeeded in doing was continuing to say some pretty nasty things to her, mentioning the OM (which we both agreed was considered taboo anymore) and quite frankly making a total ass out of myself... Once I was finished she looked at me and said "You're going to be kicking yourself in the morning for saying these things."

Big label on my head this morning: "Jackass"

So this morning she was not in the happiest of moods, she told her brother (he stayed the night with his girlfriend) that she was hung over and a bit grumpy. I commented that the hangover was because of the drinking and the grumpy was because of my stellar performance. She didn't disagree... I kept a low profile most of the morning because she was right, I was kicking myself.

As the morning went on she warmed up to me again and in fact was very playful when we both happened to be in the bedroom while she was changing. I tackled her onto the bed, rolled her over and kissed her neck. While still holding her I said "I'm sorry you're not feeling well."

She said "I'd be feeling a hell of a lot better if I had heard an apology for last night. But I got nothing, not an 'I'm sorry', not an 'I was mean for no reason', nothing."

I let go of her, looked her in the eyes and apologized. It wasn't a simple "I'm sorry", it was a very descriptive apology telling her exactly what I was apologizing for, giving her an explanation for the nasty comments (but in NO WAY trying to excuse them) and making sure she understood that I knew I had acted intolerable.

She very warmly thanked me for the apology (sucks that she actually had to ask for it though) and the rest of the day was terrific. Tonight we were joking with some friends about how she warned me to calm down and that I simply wouldn't take her advice. She topped it off with "He very wisely chose to sleep on the couch last night".

My wife has turned around and is once again my wife. We may not have everything restored but she is loving and forgiving and understanding. I need to take a step back now and work on my own healing. My comments and actions were, of course, directly related to the nearly 6 months of crap, but still inexcusable. I will destroy any chance we have if I don't get a better grip on things.

I love my Guinness and my tequila but the three of us may need to part company for a little while. There's far too much at stake for me to be doing this.

WE have to come up with a plan to actually get through the rest of this. We're both nervous, uncertain and tired of feeling hurt.