A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL JANUARY OFFER -- SAVE $60
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $330

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE_$60 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: appleroad] #1364793
02/22/08 05:06 PM
02/22/08 05:06 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
E
ediemarie Offline OP
Member
ediemarie  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
Quote:
But you can show him there will be consequences if he does not.

and when I have mentioned these consequences in the past he has said you have to do what you think is right. If you think it's right to do "xyz" then do "xyz"

I'm past the point of fearing my marriage be over. There was a time when I feared that and my actions were out of fear. I'm not fearful of losing it. I'm hesitant because in the past I have crammed what I have wanted down H's throat. I struggle because I can't find the balance between "laying the issue beside him" (as cat has said) and cramming it down him. The cramming it down him bit doesn't work with H. In fact it makes him more obstinant. (much like a child, it turns into a power struggle) I feel that I need to get creative in this situation and I don't know what that is. I don't how to finesse this sitch - I need some good old fashioned female trickery - you know, along the lines of the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I'm so "bull in a china closet" about just about everything in life and so light on the finesse.

Plan B of having a credentialled sex therapist ready to go is an option. It's even an option for me to see him/her and get some ideas there without H.

Quote:
I think what's stopping H is performance anxiety.

while this could be possible, I'm not convinced of this. I do believe it's a rejection issue. I believe it when he says that because that is his fear. He was abandoned as a child by both parents and that just runs really deeply. I honestly believe that he is afraid of being closely knit to me due to his abandonment issues. Everyone he has loved in life has walked away from him. Granted it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it happens nonentheless and is a real fear of his. So, in H's eyes, we ML, but H fears that it will still not be enough to keep me.


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: appleroad] #1364799
02/22/08 05:13 PM
02/22/08 05:13 PM
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 80
A
appleroad Offline
Member
appleroad  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 80
Originally Posted By: appleroad Please enlighten me as to how to make this happen...


... he is completely opposed to any sort of counseling and will not discuss this with me. He physically pushes me away if I make any sort of sexual advance and stonewalls me in conversations. [/quote


... When you feel you've waited long enough you could consider making couples therapy with a credentialled sex therapist a condition for the ongoing relationship.


I should have mentioned how I managed this problem myself. I didn't go the sex therapist route, and frankly, I think most men would rather have some important body parts cut off them than to attend any kind of 'therapy'. I think most men would rather negotiate with their wives.

We were separated when we did the negotiation, and it was part of the overall reconciliation agreement, so that made it easier than in your situation. In other words, H knew from the get-go that any relationship with me had to include a sexual relationship. I knew he didn't have 'the feelings', but it was all accomplished much easier than what I could ever have imagined! And once the pump was primed it never stopped.

I think the ticket is 'negotiation', not discussion or conversation. And scheduling. Like, 'not now, and not only when the mood strikes (because it never will, trust me!) but every Friday at 2pm, we'll get together for the afternoon. I'll start by giving you a nice massage and we'll see where we end up.'

Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: ediemarie] #1364811
02/22/08 05:28 PM
02/22/08 05:28 PM
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 80
A
appleroad Offline
Member
appleroad  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 80
[quote=ediemarie
.... I do believe it's a rejection issue. I believe it when he says that because that is his fear. He was abandoned as a child by both parents and that just runs really deeply. I honestly believe that he is afraid of being closely knit to me due to his abandonment issues. Everyone he has loved in life has walked away from him. Granted it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it happens nonentheless and is a real fear of his. So, in H's eyes, we ML, but H fears that it will still not be enough to keep me. [/quote]

(Our messages crossed in posting)

Ediemarie, this is an interesting theory, but what good does it do you, even if true? Does it get the job done? If not, then abandon it. There are plenty of theories out there.

Everyone comes into marriage with baggage they're carrying from childhood. Your own baggage is likely just as impressive as H baggage, and just as deserving of consideration. But how does this get the two of you into bed!

Cut to the chase. Once you get the sexual relationship up, by whatever means possible, it will enhance your relationship so much that a lot of this baggage will either fall by the wayside or will put the two of you in a position to better deal with it, as true partners.

Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: appleroad] #1364815
02/22/08 05:35 PM
02/22/08 05:35 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
E
ediemarie Offline OP
Member
ediemarie  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
Quote:
Like, 'not now, and not only when the mood strikes (because it never will, trust me!) but every Friday at 2pm, we'll get together for the afternoon. I'll start by giving you a nice massage and we'll see where we end up.'

This may work, too...(except that he hates massages...I'll think of something - it could even be just lying in bed together talking) it quite possibly could be the finesse that we/I need.

Quote:
men would rather have some important body parts cut off them than to attend any kind of 'therapy'

LOL! I concur.

thank you appleroad!


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: appleroad] #1364825
02/22/08 05:48 PM
02/22/08 05:48 PM
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 80
A
appleroad Offline
Member
appleroad  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 80
Oh, one more thing. I'm talking 'whole body massage'. You can read a book on massage if you need to. And have some essential oils on hand for the massage lotion. Start with a foot bath. Have plenty of towels on hand, and a big Rubbermaid type dishpan for the footbath. Then start the massage with the feet. Pay plenty of attention to the toes. Work your way up. Spend a lot of time on the back. Turn him over and start again from the feet and work your way up. Spend some time on the nipples. Then turn him over again! Don't even think of going to the genitals for an hour or so.

Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: appleroad] #1364830
02/22/08 05:53 PM
02/22/08 05:53 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
E
ediemarie Offline OP
Member
ediemarie  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
oooo la la


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: ediemarie] #1364869
02/22/08 06:34 PM
02/22/08 06:34 PM
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 80
A
appleroad Offline
Member
appleroad  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 80
Don't neglect the scalp and the face and the hands. The whole body is an erogenous zone. Have fun! I'm sure you'll accomplish the mission, ediemarie.

Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: appleroad] #1366041
02/24/08 01:09 AM
02/24/08 01:09 AM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
believing_isaiah43 Offline
Member
believing_isaiah43  Offline
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
i just love all these ideas; i personally am nowhere near having the 'leverage' to implement, i.e. a decent R outside the bedroom, but it's my goal to gain leverage to present this negotiation (by either me, or a C, or my pastor) by year's end. we'll see if God can help me gain some credibility by then.

in contrast, EM, I think you DO have the relationship leverage at this point to go here. i look forward to following your sitch in this area.

\o/\o/\o/ you can do it! (three cheers)


Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19

If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3

Part 4
Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: believing_isaiah43] #1366060
02/24/08 01:38 AM
02/24/08 01:38 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
E
ediemarie Offline OP
Member
ediemarie  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
Hi Believing - nice to see you!

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm still planning on waiting awhile before I attempt this - another 3 to 4 weeks. I have found that what works with my H is "planting the seed," if you will, of ideas in his head first. He knows I want a sexual relationship with him, now I need to give him some room to think about it and own the decision. I will speak to him about ideas of implementation if I don't see any reaction from him. I, of course, will keep this thread updated.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

I read something interesting today. I assigned The Pearl by steinbeck to my students to read over this past week and today I re-read the whole thing. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, a man and a woman have a baby that gets stung by a scorpion. They are poor and cannot afford a doctor's help. In order to pay for the doctor, the man dives for pearls and finds the best pearl in the whole world. Because of this great find, he (the man) ends up losing everything. While the man is diving for the pearl, the woman is caring for her baby. As she is caring for him, she prays that her husband find a pearl of great worth. As she is praying it dawns on her that she wasn't praying for the restoration of her child's health, but for the solution that she saw fit - a large pearl.

It made me wonder if with this whole sex thing, I wasn't focused on the wrong idea altogether. That perhaps I should be focusing on building the R with my H in the best way possible and all the sex will follow...it gave me pause.

hope you all are enjoying your weekend!!!


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

Re: Listening for surprises... [Re: ediemarie] #1383972
03/11/08 11:52 PM
03/11/08 11:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
E
ediemarie Offline OP
Member
ediemarie  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
It's been awhile since I've posted. Not a whole lot going on. It's strange, I just feel like H and I are living our lives - not really working on anything, not really actively changing our R. And I think this is a good thing. There was a time when any spare moment I had I was pouring over a R-improvement book, or some other self-help book. Now, we're just living our lives and it's good. But at the same time we're both aware of the help our R needs.

Tonight we went out for dinner for the first time in a LONG time - last month we added up how much we spent in eating out in a months time ($700 bucks a month, btw) and we both cracked up laughing and said, yup we've got issues. So we've curtailed the eating out to 2 times a week. Tonight he looked at me over our anitpasto appetizer and small pomadoro pizza and said "I think eating out is good for us. We talk so much more, and I feel so connected to you." That was so super sweet to hear. So nice. I grabbed his hand and said, "I love spending time with you." Later on, after a switch in conversation I said, "H, I'm glad you think about what makes things between us better. That is really great. Thank you." We had fun. A really nice time.

No real change on the sex front. Although before dinner, he did throw me up onto one of the counters in the kitchen and said, "that's the way a real man does it" all flirty like. He was just kidding around, but these moments are becoming more frequent. He is trying to be playful and affectionate.

I think it's going to take a little longer for him to come around. He has been having major issues with some kidney stones. He's been in and out of Dr.'s offices and ERs. He was hospitalized for 3 days last year at this time with a kidney infection due to kidney stones - and he has been having similiar pain this month. So, we're waiting to get some test results back - in the meantime he has absolutly no sexual desire. I'll just maintain my patient stand.

Although - I did read a saying today, that I had read before and had forgotten - "what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" Hmmm... made me think of all the ways I would...well...you know...

Hope everyone is well!
Em


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004