We're meeting for dinner tomorrow night. I'm as nervous as a girl on a first date. How dumb is that? I have no idea what the heck we're going to talk about. We had agreed that we needed to sit down and talk about some settlement issues before we meet with the L's again to hopefully save some time and get some things agreed on prior to mediation. I hope to heavens that is not what he wants to talk about the whole time.
He asked me where I wanted to meet and I took a while thinking about it. Someplace quiet or someplace loud and full of activity? I went with full of activity. I thought it wouldn't feel as pressured that way and the place we are going has a band on Friday nights so it should be fun in that respect.
I'm going to pray tonight for guidance and courage tomorrow. I'm so emotionally spent right now. I hope I can maintain calm and serenity.....scary scary scary to me.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You'll do fine, but you need to bring the expectations back down. Sounds like you're starting to think too far ahead on the date already. He's saying that it's going to be settlement talk, so believe him. Talk settlement talk. Do NOT bring anything else up.
If he wants to talk about something else, then let him lead.
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
Going Solo - Neither one of us said anything about why we were meeting for dinner. I was just saying that a couple of weeks ago we had agreed that at some point we needed to meet to discuss some settlement issues without the L's. I don't know if he assumes this is why we're having dinner or if he's just wanting to spend some time.
I don't have any expectations of what is going to happen, it's more apprehension.
One thing is for sure though, I will be rushing home after work tonight to make myself as "hot" as possible! This is more to boost my own confidence than to be attractive for him (although I have to admit it is a small thought in the back of my head).
Pray for me please! I need all the strength and courage I can get to act "as if" in this face to face.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Getting more and more anxious as the day goes on. Thankfully I've been really busy today but I'm sitting on hold right now so I have time to think....not good!
Wet paper bag? It would certainly be wet here today! It's been raining since yesterday and has only let up for a few minutes. That's a good thing though because we've been in a serious drought, a bad thing because it means frizzy hair! I hope I can tame it.
Anyone have any exciting plans for this weekend?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Oh lordy lordy! Leaving work right now and going to get ready to meet H for dinner. PRAY HARD FOR ME TO HAVE STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH THIS WITHOUT HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN PLEASE!
I don't understand why I feel so terrible...it's this overwhelming feeling of impending doom. I know I'm projecting this and I don't want to. I tend to have a bit of a negative attitude about most things so it shouldn't surprise me. Please, pretty please pray for me.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
My H is so much more messed up than I even knew! Met for dinner and he saw a side of me he hasn't seen in a lot of years. First, I've lost 65 pounds in the last 9 months and am back down to the size I was when we got married 14 years ago. I dressed the part tonight too. It really got my confidence going - Low cut blouse with the the push up bra, hair done, makeup on, favorite perfume....the works! It sure made me feel good and H nearly lost his teeth so that was another boost!
We had dinner and just chit chatted about insignificant stuff. I let him lead the conversation wherever he wanted and didn't bring up any of the D settlement issues or anything. We had just finished eating and the band had started to play and I looked down at my H's hands and he was gripping either side of the table like it was going to jump up and run away. I asked him if the death grip was keeping it in place and he said, "I don't like crowds anymore, you know that." Yeah, I know he doesn't like big crowds like bodies standing close together in a confined area crowds. This was a crowded restaurant with a live band playing, all patrons were probably 35 and up in age, no rowdiness, just people having fun. He couldn't stop scanning the room and was getting antsy. It was right then my inner light bulb went on and I realized the biggest root of the problem with our R. My H can no longer separate the need to be emotionally closed off at work (he's a police officer) and the need to have emotions in his personal life. I told him I was concerned for him because he didn't seem to be able to separate these things and he said he just doesn't feel anything anymore about anything or anyone. WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE! I told him that is not living, that is existing. He had no comment about that other than "that's the way it is."
After he finally let go of the table and the ants had apparently firmly crawled up his butt and he couldn't sit there another minute he jumped up and announced that he had to get out of there. I went out with him and he said he needed to get to bed since he had to be up early and asked me where I parked. I pointed toward the car and started that direction. All heck broke out at the car. He asked me why I had invited him to dinner. I told him I just wanted to see him and talk to him like friends do. He then told me that all he thinks about all day and night is how badly he wants to come home and be with me and our son. WHOA!!!!!!! Where in the heck did that come from? He "knows" I can never forgive him though and he is afraid if he were to come home and we worked on it for a while and he screwed up again that he would have no where to go and no one in his life anymore. He "knows" everyone in my family hates him. He "knows" that every time we had a fight (which we hardly ever have in all the years we've been together) I would bring up his betrayal, etc. etc.. To prove the point that I wouldn't bring that up ever again I asked him if he was aware of all the times over the years that I have caught him in a lie. He said yes. I asked him if he REALLY knew how many. He paused.....I proceeded to tell him of a few things from very early in our marriage that I knew about. Imagine his surprise. I asked him if I have ever mentioned that before. He admitted I haven't. Hmmmmm.....so why would I throw this mistake in your face if I've never thrown any of the others at you?
He kept going back to how afraid he is that he will end up with nothing and no one if he comes home and screws up and how I can never forgive him. He is stuck on all that. Nothing I say could change his mind. He really didn't like it when he said, "Let's say I came home tomorrow and things didn't work out where would I go when you kick me out. I couldn't go back to her and I couldn't afford a place on my own." I told him that he couldn't just move home like that. He would have to earn some trust back with me before I could have him under the same roof. Oh boy....he decided it was pointless then to even try. He doesn't want to work for anything if it's going to inconvenience him......gees!
I finally broke out the big guns. I told him that he had to find happiness within himself, no one can make him happy and the only true road to peace and happiness is through God. My husband is not a religious man and only attends church on Christmas and Easter so I know this concept is totally foreign to him. I was not strong enough in my faith when we married to bring him to it so I let mine slip. No more. I'm firmly back in the fold and I would love for my husband to be there with me so all I can do is pray for him and offer my support for him.
He is in serious crisis. I wish he would seek counseling but he is so stubborn and thinks all counselors are quacks. He needs help with his emotional issues before there could ever be any hope for our marriage.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka, this is a difficult thing to have to deal with (I am talking about you, not him). You have to decide whether the M is worth it. If you are willing to see this through. It is up to no one else. You are right that he is messed up and he sounds like he knows it. The fear he has that he has gone too far and will never be accepted by you or by your family is real to him.
It all depends on what you believe. I will be very blunt, if you believe that he needs to seek a R with God and to trust Him with his life, you need to trust Him too. If you tell someone they have to earn your trust again, they can feel that is too big a mountain to climb so why bother. People in his situation feel like failures already. Telling him to his face that you don't trusts him can be akin to telling him that it is near impossible. To us, it means to be faithful and loving. To them, it means earning something back and the past will always overshadow them.
He can't see your family ever accepting him again. He cannot see you accepting him. So he is going to attempt to hold on to what he has now even though it is false.
We talked about admiring him for his qualities without being judgmental. Any admiration that he can feel from you can be lost with feeling that he has failed as a man and a husband. He already knows this so he doesn't need to be reminded.
Mishka, you have been hurt terribly. How you react is so important if you want the M restored. Our ego has to be put aside finding strength in Him. And forget what anyone else thinks about your sitch. It doesn't matter what your mother, other relatives, best friends, people here, anyone for that matter thinks. It is about a relationship that God wants. Focus on what He would have you do and how to interact with your H.
Your H is in serious crisis but you cannot save him. He has to want to find real peace. You can only be that lighthouse that he can come to when he needs refuge.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
