Mishka, it sounds very promising. Continue giving him his space. Continue showing him real love (unconditional). You must be doing the right things most of the time because it sounds like he is missing you and being a part of the family. He is showing you one of the five love languages (giving gifts and time).
He also is trying to share things of himself that he wants to know you are proud of him and your response was loving, caring and there was admiration. It reminded me of the CharlyneCares newsletter from yesterday.
The hug is very telling, IMO. Then holding your hand.
Chances are he is not wanting to let you go.
You are doing great. Don't stop doing the right things.
mmf
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
MMF - I had read CharlyneCares when you posted it and it really spoke to me. I realized I hadn't been doing enough to show him that I really am proud of everything he has accomplished and is trying to accomplish. I was equating being proud of him with approving of what he is doing and I realized that the two are not really connected. I took inspiration from Charlyne's newsletter and decided that the next opportunity I had to praise him for something I was going to do it. Gee, imagine that, the opportunity arose within a couple of hours. Can anyone else say, "Hand of God"?
Have to finish getting ready for work. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I will continue on this path I've set and pray with hope in my heart.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
...I was equating being proud of him with approving of what he is doing and I realized that the two are not really connected...
I had been afraid of the same thing. Then I realized the same thing you did. I can be proud of one thing without showing approval for another. Even if she felt I was condoning bad behavior, which was unlikely, that was her problem, not mine. I want her to know that she receives positive reinforcement from me and that I am a safe place for her.
I remember trying to please my parents and it seemed to be impossible so I quit trying. It was positive in the sense that my father did not have a good moral compass so I ended up trying to do the right thing. Weird, huh?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
My C told me last week that I am a people pleaser which is not necessarily a bad thing except when you don't do anything at all to please yourself as well. That has been my problem for years, I haven't done anything really to please me. I bend over backwards to make everyone else in my life comfortable and happy and forget me or run out of time for me.
All that effort and H still wasn't happy. Again, back to "no one can make you happy except yourself". So no more of that from me. I will do what is necessary for my family, be kind and considerate, but I won't break myself for them anymore.
H sent me a text about an hour ago to tell me he was taking our son to lunch (winter break at school) since he had to bring his cell phone back to him that he had left in his car last night. We had some banter back and forth and he asked if I would like him to pick up something for me for lunch...etc, etc.. He just sent another message a few minutes ago to tell me that he is taking S13 to an activity place (one of those jump zone places) with one of his school friends and dropping him and the kid's mom is going to bring them home in a few hours. Right after that he sends me a sound file that is the "Pina Colada Song". You all know that one....do you know all the words?
I was tired of my lady We'd been together too long Like a worn-out recording Of a favorite song So while she lay there sleeping I read the paper in bed And in the personal columns There was this letter I read
"If you like Pina Coladas And getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga If you have half a brain If you'd like making love at midnight In the dunes on the Cape Then I'm the love that you've looked for Write to me and escape."
I didn't think about my lady I know that sounds kind of mean But me and my old lady Have fallen into the same old dull routine So I wrote to the paper Took out a personal ad And though I'm nobody's poet I thought it wasn't half bad
"Yes I like Pina Coladas And getting caught in the rain I'm not much into health food I am into champagne I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon And cut through all this red-tape At a bar called O'Malley's Where we'll plan our escape."
So I waited with high hopes And she walked in the place I knew her smile in an instant I knew the curve of her face It was my own lovely lady And she said, "Oh it's you." Then we laughed for a moment And I said, "I never knew."
That you like Pina Coladas Getting caught in the rain And the feel of the ocean And the taste of champagne If you'd like making love at midnight In the dunes of the Cape You're the lady I've looked for Come with me and escape
I'm freaking out! I may have blundered but I'm going to do it anyway....I asked him if he had plans tonight. He said he didn't know, why. I asked him if he would like to have dinner together. Waiting on a response......I am really nervous about this but I feel like he is reaching out to me and I want to be open and friendly with him.
What do you guys think?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Let him court you Mishka, if that is what he is doing. Make him do most of the work but don't make it painful for him either.
If he knows the words to the Pina Colada song, then he is saying something. And as much as he has not been a "good guy" as of late, your description of him does not sound like he is a bad person, i.e. I get the impression he is a sensitive person, IMO.
I would let him take it from there.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
good advice. I am having no expectations. He responded and told me he didn't know about tonight, he'd let me know. He works the next three days so I don't think we could get together during the weekend.
He has to want to put our M back together for him, not for me or our son. I am working really hard at keeping ALL expectations at ZERO but I also don't want to let go of the hope in my heart. How do you maintain the hope but have no expectations? That just seems strange to me.
There are a lot of things my H would have to be willing to do to prove to me that he is willing to make the necessary changes but I won't even go there now. Baby steps, baby steps......you've all seen "What About Bob?" right? I feel like Bill Murray right now!
This craziness is wearing me out!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
fig - THAT IS AWESOME! Thank you! I couldn't seem to figure out that difference but it makes perfect sense.
Called my friend at lunch and gave her the whole saga from last night and today. I wanted her input. She's been my best friend since we were 14 and has been through D but not MLC. She came out of her D a much stronger person than she ever was and is such a great support for me. She brought up a few things that gave me pause. Is my H trying to soften me up for mediation? Is he trying to get me to open up to him in some way so that he can try to get something to use against me (not that there is anything - I'm boring as can be)? She reminded me to not forget all the lies and betrayals and that he still can not be trusted until he ears that trust back. In my head I know all those things but my heart doesn't want to know them. I want to trust that these are little pushes back toward me but again, with NO EXPECTATIONS of anything.
Am I right to be cautious or should I just go with the flow and let it all be what it is?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Just go with the flow. Hope is good, it keeps you going in the dark woods, but don't let him see the hope. Just be yourself and don't expect anything from him.
Remember back to the first times you dated, before you had history or were thinking about plans for the future. When you were going out just because you enjoyed his company.
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
