[also posted this to the newcomers' spot-- not sure yet what I'm doing] This is my first post here-- I appologize in advance for not being up to speed on DB method and all the abbreviations yet, but after jumping in, I promise to go to serious school.
I'm just looking for support and practical advice from someone who understands firsthand what I'm dealing with. Here is my situation: husband 51 left for 3rd time in 10 years (married 25, me 48, 1 adult mentally disabled son), no other woman, him just unhappy. I am not fighting it as I did the last 2, just laying low, keeping communications to a minimum via email and as businesslike as possible. Have finally admitted to myself the relationship is broken, and am actually the party most aggressively pushing the divorce. I just feel I need to get to the other side of it before I can heal, but anger and injured pride are also driving me to finish it.
Problem is, I still love him. Even so, if he ever wanted to come home, I don't know if I could let him-- it would take a bonafide miracle on his part to reassure me he wouldn't just walk out on me again in another year or 2. But that's all beside the point, because I'm sure he won't.
I just really need to know what to do with this grief-- it is literally making me ill (am home sick from work today, down with a nasty virus after a week of practically no sleep). If the marriage is truly beyond repair (which I'm almost 100% convinced), I still want to have as "good" a divorce as possible-- if I can do that, maybe my husband will at least be able to remember me somewhat fondly, and we might keep interractions over our son civil. I don't want to do anything I will regret or be ashamed of afterward.
Any advice anyone can give me on getting through and over this would be MOST welcome. Thanks for letting me spew--
Any advice anyone can give me on getting through and over this would be MOST welcome. Thanks for letting me spew--
Well that really wasn't much of a spew.
We try to get past the grief here, by focusing on ourselves. and Improving what 'we' think is lacking in ourself, failings and things we are generally disatisfied with.
We suggest taking your mind off of the grief by GALing (getting a life) going out and doing things you always wanted to do, things you always enjoyed doing, things you haven't done in a long time, or things you have never done before.
Dettaching is not letting their venom, or drama affect you much and both GALing and self improvment help with learning how to dettach.
You might find better advice on the Divorced but not Done Board, since you seem to be headed in that direction regardless.
And to be honest, I'm not really going to suggest that you wait the ammount of time it would take for a man who has left you 3 other times in 10 years. Sometimes history is a dipstick for the future.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yes, I definitely need to GA new L now. And what you say about the not expending any more effort on someone who has left 3X in 10 years is just common sense, and is of course already what I am hearing from my family and friends. Doesn't hurt to have it reinforced on a board like this, though-- now that's what I call a reality check! I will post on the other forum as you suggest--I was a little confused about where to go my first time. I appreciate the advice. It is very helpful knowing there are other people out there dealing with same or similar, who nevertheless manage to survive sane, happy, and whole.
Andabelle, have you tried posting in the (general)Newcomers forum? I posted for the first time today. Just like you I have had a rocky M - a few EA's, a separation. My husband is also a very unhappy person and blames all his unhappiness on me. I am certainly not one to offer advice as, in the last 2 months, I've done everything against DB and find myself once again going through a separation. Many people who have never been through something like this can never understand and will tell you to just move forward. You are the only one who can say for sure whether your M is worth saving. I sometimes wonder myself whether I should continue with this insanity but usually find myself wanting to keep trying. My H is a wonderful person but often very confused about what he wants. I'm going to try to hang in there until I feel I have nothing left to hold onto.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I did post to the newcomers' forum first-- I think. I'll have to check to be sure. Afterward I thought perhaps I ought to have gone straight to the forum re: what I thought was the main cause of the D, MLC.
I'm so sorry you-- and everybody else here-- is having to deal with this sh*t too. My husband is also unhappy w/self, is very depressed but has stopped taking his antidepressants because they make him "fat and muzzy-headed." Like yours, my husband thinks dumping me will somehow magically solve all his problems, but of course that hasn't turned out to be the case-- I know for a fact he is not having much fun right now. I am very worried about him-- I want him to be okay no matter what happens-- but my opinion doesn't carry much weight with him anymore, so there's not really anything I can do to help him.
Good luck to you. I don't think you are wrong to keep trying if that's what you want-- I see a lot of people here have been DBing a lot longer than 2 months, many eventually with excellent results. I know what I want-- H back-- but at this late date I fear that's not a realistic expectation. But I will try DB and see what happens. If all I get out of it is a relatively friendly divorce and some closure, even that would be a big bonus.
Andabelle, It is never too late to try to save your marriage. I would suggest getting Michele's book Divorce Remedy. There's a whole chapter in there on MLC. I've read the book a few times and that has helped me to stay the course in my M. If it hadn't been for the book and this site I would have given up long ago. With this current EA I've had a very difficult time DB and that's why we are now separated. I now have to regroup myself and focus on DB before it's too late. H now won't even talk to me or look at me. I know I just need to give him space, not contact him and maybe he'll come around. Easier said than done! I think you're doing the right thing by laying low. If you push him, he'll just distance himself further. Are you GAL? If not, maybe pick 1 or 2 things you can do for yourself. It will certainly help get your mind off R.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Thanks for the advice, Addie-- I will get the book ASAP.
I am working on GAL-- studying for the GRE in hopes of starting graduate school, looking at new houses, losing weight, and just generally trying to be extra nice to myself right now. I am still very doubtful my marriage can be saved, but no matter the outcome, I know I would regret it forever if I ended it without doing everything possible to salvage it first. And if I still end of getting D'ed after DB, I might actually be able to be more or less okay with it. I hope.
It's alway good to get another objective opinion. Even if I continue to work for it, I have to be realistic about my prospects, and not engage in wishful thinking (been there, done that already). Thanks.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on YOU and it sounds like you are doing that. You can not control what H does, you can only control your own actions. Keep posting on here. We can continue encouraging each other.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
