Priorities and tests of strength

[Burgbud]

(Mrs.Cac) Brian wrote that his wife told him that if he asked her to come home she would. Brian thought he shouldn't have to ask. IMO, if he wanted her to come home he should have said so.

Perhaps I'm reading it wrong but what I saw was she didn't tell him that she'd come home if he asked her to until after his second round of trouble, including the two hospitalizations and surgery. When he text'd her about being in the hospital during his relapse he was on some serious morphine and may not have been in the best position to ask for what he wanted.

He wrote:

I will spare the details other than to say that I was in pretty bad shape. Still doped on two drips of a morphine equivalent, I text messaged both my wife and mother, each of them thousands of miles away from me, and let them know what was going on. My mother boarded the very next flight and was by my side the next morning. My wife on the other hand, called several times to tell me she would be thinking of me and wished me well.

So, here is the crux of my dilemma. Yes, my MIL was recovering from a serious procedure. Though, during that time, I was hospitalized twice, underwent surgery, suffered a great deal, and spent many very turbulent touch-and-go evenings with no one but my mother lying on couch next to me. No, I never asked my wife to find another sibling to fill in for caring for their mother so that my wife could come home to me. However, I did not think it should be my place to ask.

...and then later:

I think my W sensed how upset I am after our brief conversation last night as she called very early this morning. LFL, I took your advice and told her point blank how I feel about her absence during this whole thing. I explained that I understand and respect her devotion to her mother, but that as her Husband, I would expect a degree of reconsidering priorities.

My W asked me what I want her to do. I know this is a bit selfish, but I said that if I relapse next week and end up hospitalized in a life-threatening situation again, I would really appreciate it if she would come home. Specifically, that would mean my W would have to undertake the unpleasant task of asking one of the other two sisters to come and take over care of her mom. My W responded, "Of course, just ask me to come home and I will". I don't know if it is the steroids or the Percocet, but I snapped back, "No, I am not asking you to make value judgments, nor am I going to "ask" you to come home. You need to make your own decisions as to what is important here."

This whole thing puts me in mind of Blackfoot's point that the only reason a man should let his woman see his puppy is to demonstrate that he'll take it back when she kicks it, and kick it she will.

Women want men to trust them with our vulnerabilities but don't think it's necessary for Brian's W to have come back under life threatening conditions. It's his responsibility to tell her that's what he wants when he's lying in the hospital hooked up to morphine.

I told you Blackfoot's a genius.

[MJontheMend]

Mojo's ex gets raked over the coals for not giving her a hug when her dad died (if I remember the circumstances correctly) but Brian's wife gets a pass for staying with her post-op mother while he was quite legitimately concerned for his life, in and out of the hospital and having surgery. That's very instructive.

Hey, give credit where credit's due. My ex also left me alone at the hospital when I had to have an appendectomy while 6 mos. pregnant and didn't wake up to answer the phone when I called. So I think he should win the PAL award for simultaneously abandoning two primary family members in hospitalized distress. Plus, there wasn't even another ill person involved, except for the constant suffering life itself brought upon my 2bx himself rendering him in permanent invalid status. Of course, I am tough and they gave me lots of morphine so it was all fine. Also, my life is good now and his sucks so rules of karma apply.

[Burgbud]

I hear you, Mojo. I'm not thinking that his stunts were explainable or acceptable.

[Brian_M]

Wow..I see I missed out on some interesting conversation. First, I should own up to the fact that I have not been displaying my best form on this board. I come here normally upset, smoldering a short fuse, and searching for answers with an unabashed tone. I really should work on that. In contrast, some of you really inspire me with your unrelenting academic pursuits of viable improvements as you voice introspection and learn from shared experiences of others. Any way, this last post was "extra tainted" by steroids and heavy painkillers. Please pardon the lapse.

My biggest lesson of the last year is that there is some wisdom in Blackfoot's preaching. As a sensitive guy, I think, "gosh, if it were me I would do or think this". Then, when my wife does not mirror my expectations, I get hurt. Well, the reality is exactly as I stated, my W is just not sensitive in the same ways, nor does she process many topics in a way that I would. Of course "not being as sensitive" does not necessarily equate to malice. Though, the million dollar lesson for me has been, yes, I do actually need to tell my wife exactly what I need and want down to the lowest level. Expecting her to see the situation from my perspective is a huge setup for failure and heartbreak. No, my wife does not intentionally "kick my puppy". Though, like it or not, this is the way it has to be if I choose to stay married to this woman.

This situation outlined here is a perfect example. You all read my perspective of the story. Apparently, my voicing of the situation resonated clearly and was understood by some, but internalized differently by others. Though, ironically, after talking even more with my wife, I have been able to see more of where her head was. She focused on her 70 year old mother directly reaching out and asking her to emotionally repay an owed debt. My wife's family is basically estranged, so this is a very rare and significant event. Then, when presented with my illness, my wife looked to me as the "stronger manly man" and head of household with the duty of putting family first. Putting those two things together, my wife filled in that I should sacrifice for her mother. Thus, in her head, she took actions she thought respected the nature of not just her morality, but mine as well. Plus, don't forget, no one is their best under the duress of two closest family members in serious condition.

When I wrote the post, my wife and I were in two completely different head spaces and viewing this dilemma from polar vantage points. My wining, feeling lonely, and being upset accomplished nothing. The smarter thing to do, and what I hope to do next time, is to just bear all my thoughts directly and in detail, even when I cannot possibly understand why she does not see it my way.

As a health update, MIL is doing great and recovering well. As for me, I am home and vastly improving too. I have had my good and bad days, but hanging in there. Oh, now that we have talked and come to more of an understanding, my W is coming home to be by my side for what will undoubtedly be a very unpleasant Tuesday. I have to admit, I feel a lot better just knowing she will be there with me. Feeling loved and supported is powerful medicine indeed.

Thanks to all who offered such emotional and valuable insight on this. I sincerely appreciate and value your shared wisdom. I only hope that my contributions are of some value to others as well.

[LustForLife]

Glad you are feeling better Brian. You sound better. Hope things improve with your W.


LFL

[karen1]

Brian,

Good for you for "being the bigger person". It seems to me that no one is in a position to pit the one situation against the other except you and your W. The truth is that you and she may see it very differently. My H has a bias against the "old" person in any such contest of situations. If the one person is old then they automatically merit less attention than the younger person. I don't know why he operates this way but he does. So, he would have opted for the spouse over the parent. I would have been weighing an entirely different set of criteria. We both may or may not have wound up with the same answer. I couldn't say for sure. I will say one more thing. DO NOT martyr yourself in these situations. If you need your W's comfort then ask for it. I often fail at that and it is not a good thing.

Karen

[sat567]

Good to hear you're doing better, brian. Your story made me recall an episode when I was in the hospital preparing to undergo a double hernia repair. In pre-op, my W asked me, "so, do you want me stick around?"

I was pretty focused on my own anxieties and was caught by surprise with her question. Yeah, I expected her to read my mind and stay. I knew that, had the roles been reversed, (and, in actuality, they have been reversed, several times), I would have stayed without being asked.

When I woke up, she was not there. She showed up at the door to pick me up and take me home, after I checked out. I think she went to her office to work, but my recollection is that it was nothing particularly pressing.

This Friday, she's having eye surgery and I'm taking the day off to drive her there, wait, and drive her home. She will be largely dependent on me to be "her eyes" for the weekend. Even though I understand that it is just the way she is, I am still working through my feelings on this issue of what a marriage should be, and what should be understood by the parties involved.

With her, I realize that I need to clearly state what I want from her.

Hairdog

[MJontheMend]

I hear you, Mojo. I'm not thinking that his stunts were explainable or acceptable.

When I think back on that incident, I realize that the reason I made excuses for his behavior so often was that I was just embarrassed to admit that I had such a lame husband because it reflected poorly on me. Right before they took me into surgery, my hospital bed was surrounded by a crowd of observing med students and others and they gave me the phone to contact my H. I had to make an excuse for him in my mind so that I could smile and signal to the medical personnel that it was okay to proceed because I was alright on my own. I'm better off as a single woman than I was when I was married because I can fill the space held by my cardboard cutout of a husband with real others or my own functioning. Yesterday I woke up in my cute little apartment which I can afford on my own without having to worry about some PAL quitting a job. I was feeling rather horny and I didn't have to worry about some PAL's LD and just gave my long distance lover a wake-up call for some aural affectionate man-handling which he was quite a bit more than happy to provide. Then I spent some QT with my D16 rewarding ourselves for moving heavy furniture and driving the big scary van on our own with sushi and pretty bed linens and funky Ikea lamps and now we are feeling quite cozy and content. One of my near future goals is to do the kind of traveling that I missed out on in my 20s. If I find myself alone in a hospital in Outer Mongolia, I'm sure it won't be pleasant but it will jive with my worst-case-scenario expectations and I will deal with it as something that I packed in my own life suitcase. When we talk about becoming more differentiated, I think we are in a sense saying that everyone should pack their own suitcase in life, at least when it comes to the basic necessities. On the evening I stopped packing my H's suitcase for him, he chose to no longer accompany me on the journey and that's alright. I should have done it years earlier and thereby avoided hearing a lot of whining about wrinkled shirts.

[haphazard]

Thank god for your last post Brian, I am so glad now you are well again you've got some perspective on this. I do think your W was in a really tough spot and not one I would wish on anyone. I'm also glad to see that you are starting to come out of your "covert contract" mentality and starting to see that it really isn't fair to expect someone to "just know" what's important to you. I really don't think that there is such a being as someone who is totally sensitive to another person's needs. My H thinks of himself as a sensitive human being, he has often tried to figure out what I might be feeling and the majority of the time he is wrong. However I don't have a problem with that, I don't expect him to know without my telling him. He used expect me to know but like you he is growing out of that now. How do we even know whether we all see the same shade of blue when we look at the sky or feel the same way when we listen to a piece of music? We are all individuals and need to respect the right of each individual to act according to their own needs and feelings.


I'll drop this now because I find it impossible to believe that any woman on this board would be remotely okay with her husband tending to his mother in recovery from heart bypass surgery rather than coming back to be with her as she faced the real possibility of dying. Even SG. Even Fearless.

Cemar's pretty much got this one nailed.

Absolutely not.

Burg and Cemar must be living in a constant boiling pit of resentment if this is their belief system. I cannot see how you could possibly decide between close relatives and I would HATE to be put in that position. Whether it be spouse/parent/child they are all equally important. The vows before god that Cemar speaks of are what makes a non-family member (your bf/gf) into a family member with equal priority to other blood relatives it does not raise them above those relatives. And if you believe it does then you are setting yourself up to fail. Brian's W took a decision based on who needed her most at that time, Brian's mother was with him, the poor woman could not split herself in two and I think she deserves more compassion and understanding, and I'm glad to see Brian can see this now.

This is totally not a m/f thing either. It is no more becoming in a man or a woman to try to emotionally black-mail someone into making a tough decision in their favour.

I think if you love someone (rather than have an emotional hunger for that person) then you respect their right to make the decision that is right for them. ESPECIALLY when it is a tough decision. You do not OWN their love or have any greater rights over it than any other loved one.


Fran

[Burgbud]

(hap) Burg and Cemar must be living in a constant boiling pit of resentment if this is their belief system.

And yet I'm not. How can that be?

You do not OWN their love or have any greater rights over it than any other loved one.

I'm also not interested in marrying a woman whose thought process is, "Now that we're married I love you just the same as everyone else I love. If you're in the hospital and they're in the hospital, I don't know what I'll do."

At the very least I'd tell her in response, "You should go be with them. If I can't count on you to take care of me when I need it then I'll make sure I'm just counting on myself."