Did Michele talk to you directly because you expressed interest in the intensive? Did you also offer to pay the entire bill for the intensive or did your H agree to share the cost?
PH,
Thank you. The first time I called I spoke to Virginia just to get information. At that time Virginia told me that Michele would speak to me about how to approach my husband if I was interested in pursuing the intensive.
The second time I called just this past weekend to get more information I just happened to catch Michele on the phone. Either way at some point Michele will talk with you to help you decide the best way to approach your spouse and to get more information about you and your spouse.
I am paying for the intensive since it is by my request and I haven't told him the cost. I suspect that he would not go if he knew the costs.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
once again, many thanks. very reassuring thoughts from both of you.
when I brought up the intensive w/W I was so worried that I created an enormous setback. She immediatley perceived it as an attempt to pursue more marriage counseling and was quite skeptical and a bit frustrated . So, at that point I had to share DR w/her and did use the advice Virginia provided for trying encourage W to go. She took the book with her and agreed to consider attending an intensive. It's been about 9 days and we've had a couple brief, but friendly phone conversations, but DR or the intensive has not been brought up. So, not sure what she's thinking or if she's even reading the book.
Now I'm looking for the appropriate time to discuss it w/her again. Don't want to be too pushy with her. It's even more challenging since she has OM in her life. I'm sure much of her reluctance is related to the possibility of losing OM if she goes through with this.
Again, I am so very thankful for what both of you are sharing, and will continue to keep ya'll in my prayers. I hope I can be as helpful and inspirational as the two of you have been and I'm sure will continue to be.
Me: 35 WAW: 34 T: 7.5 yrs M: 3 yrs (2/14/05) no kids ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07 S - 6/15/7 PA started 6/16/07 D Final 10/14/08
Just wanted to say that in my R I was the WAS. I was absolutely smothered and needed to be on my own for a bit. I was called 20 times per day and lets not even get into the texts. At least one an hour.
My H followed the principals from the boards ( he is on a different board) and he detached and learned how to be happy and independent. I really liked the changes. Lets just say that I spent months trying to R and all i ever heard was how much he did not want the R back. How he did NOT love me that way. how he was happier in his life now...and so on
I believe that he was waiting to see changes in me like the ones he had made. I broke his trust when I left and I really really hurt him. Our seperation was happening (without the name) for over a year before I actually left.
It took until almost NOVEMBER for him to finally let me in. He did. He started to trust me again. NOW I have screwed that up again.....with my own insecurities. It was 7 months before he was even open to being my friend again is my point.
My point is he would not even pay attention to me until I started being happy. I was independent. I did not count onm him for things.
I have now hurt him again and unbelievably he is still talking to me. We do have 2 children together os HAVE to talk but I have offerred him a D and he will not take it yet.
It is a hard road. I sometime lash out and say I want a D so I can the pain of it over NOW. sometimes I dont see putting off the inevitable hurt and act rashly. He always points this out to me. It is definitely a lesson in patience.
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
IF my wife had shown me the book. I would have been...ehhh.
IF my wife had read the book, and actually changed. REALLY changed in aspects that were important to me. Not nagging, not being so co-dependant, I'd probablly be married to her still.
DBing is in reality self help. Saving the marriage is secondary to it. You improve yourself and how you interact with others, you improve your marriage. IMHO.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It sounds like you are stuck in the blame game and I mean blaming yourself. Like I said we have all made mistakes.
Since the bomb dropped I have seen three new therapists besides the one we saw together. I am now seeing just two, but they all pointed out the same thing that I was being too hard on myself. I believe I deserved it for being so hurtful to my husband. Still, I was dealing with my own hurt from the relationship and I did what I did the only way I knew how. Walking away may have not been the best solution, but I can't keep looking back or I and we will never move forward. Furthermore, and it is sad to say, perhaps this is what I needed to see how much my marriage really meant to me and to see my own faults. Otherwise we may already be divorced.
There are some days when I still really get down on myself, but I am no good to anyone that way and I have to continue to make changes not only for my marriage but myself. I was really able to DB once I was guided to this realization. I have an end goal in mind of who I want to be and it helps me to stay focused when those old behaviors or insecurities creep up on me.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
It's funny you should mention the fog..I too, cannot for the life of me figure it out. It was like, I was a different person. I look at my H and my children and think, how could I have walked away? Than, I think of the Bf and I literally become sick. It took us leaving to realize the value of what we had!!! Take care and best wishes!!
Me 40, live in WAW H 39 married 9 yrs seperated 18 months, apart 7 months D 4, 16 S 6, 19
I am sure hoping that the fog will lift for my W. I KNOW that she has changed and I will just hang on until the winds come up and blow that fog away.
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I wish I understood it better so that I could avoid it happening again, help the other WAW's and LBS's, and better understand how to handle the fog my husband is now in. The sitch is a mixed blessing. If, God forbid I lose my marriage, I am a stronger person and I understand more about relationships. If, God willing, my marriage is saved I believe my marriage, with some work, will be more amazing than I could have imagined it would be and we could become a stronger unit than we would otherwise have been.
I hope your sitch continues to improve. I will be offering my support. Good luck!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
