Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. I was really mad that she would do that but I guess it could be taken a different way than what I took it.
Hi everyone! Chelsea,I hope I have been of some help to you even though our stories are different the problems are similar.
Jim I can imaginge how devastated you are in light of your W's behavior. I agree w the others that You should not permit your W to "set up" your new apt.Is she sadistic or just trying to ruffle you.Ignore these attempts to control your life.
The MLC spouse is unbelievably insensitive to the pain they are causing others.Keep this in mind and realize that your W is incommunicato not only w you but w her own emotionl feelings.
It sounds as if she has an EA going on and that her head is in the clouds(if not somewhere else).
My marriage has been unsatisfying to me for years,but I loved my H and accepted his flaws.Unfortunately,he did not accept mine.The stresses of moving,a high powered stressful career and two ADD children were too difficult for him to bear.Add that to a sense of growing older (late forties) and a compulsion to relive his youth and you have a recipe for MLC.When you throw in an EA,things really get "cooking".
In my case, the scenario I just described went on for about 7-8 years.We lived parallel lives and both felt cheated and neglected in our relationship w each other.
My H threatened to move out and felt compelled to end our marriage.Fortunately,I was able to slow things down using Michele's techniques and our relationship survived.
Jim we never separated and he continued to sleep in the same bed/room w me.It was like living w a stranger and was excrutiatingly difficult. At times I truly thought it would end.
Over the last 6 months he started to respond to me and has finally "come home" to me as his wife.
I am happy to help you in any way. Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 05-02-2000).]
Thank you for your insight. My W swears to me up and down that she doesn't have anyone else and isn't looking for anyone else. I don't know how true that is and I can honestly say that even if she does I don't care I just want my W and life back. I am really glad to hear that about your success, I hope that someday I can come here and tell the good news of my success and helping others make it through their problems. You are an inspriation to me and I am sure to others. May the Lord bless you with many years of love and laughter with your family.
Jenny
By the way I will be taking you up on the " help you in any way thing". Being as you have come from the depths of where I am now, I am sure you know the path out. I may call on you for direction at some point.
[This message has been edited by Hurting Jim (edited 05-03-2000).]
Jenny, it was truly inspirational to read your post and to sense the upswing in your outlook. Doesn't it seem that there comes a time when the words said may not be so different but there is a sense that tension has lifted and the withdrawn spouse is truly glad to be "home"?
All of us have walked through different but similiar valleys. I still struggle with a sense of loss and some distrust of my H's judgment after things he said, believed, and did. Generally, things get better daily as I am coming to see that my h's number one objective is to be the best husband and father that he can be.
I feel somehow bonded to those of you who have opened your hearts on this board and in doing so have encouraged me. I am glad that your h has "come home." Your children have of course been affected by the bad times, but they will surely benefit now from the renewed commitment and joy in your marriage. Thanks for uplifting all of us by sharing your success!
I just wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Mother's Day!
Many of you will struggle painfully through this weekend when the focus of our society will be on the family and motherhood.
Positive thinking and the love of your precious children can soothe a hurting heart.Surround yourself with friends and family that love you this weekend. Remember,next year can be so very much better! It is in my case!
Last year at this time I was an emotional wreck! I remember so well waiting to see if I would get a card from my H that had any words of affection.Of course there wasn't! I shed many tears that day.
However,here I am a year later and my H is "in love" with me again and can't stop telling me or showing me!
Last Mother's Day,my H informed me,again,(it had started in Feb.)how miserable he was and how he needed to leave of us.(married 16 yrs&two children)
He told me he did not love me and never had loved me.That"I" was his problem and he wanted to find happiness and passion without me.(possible EA and MLC issues).
Well, I am here to tell you that DBing works and you CAN save your marriage BY YOURSELF, if you really want to put forth the time,effort and PATIENCE that it will take.
You must follow Michele's advice...please read her books.Her approach works!
MY suggestions:
Don't PUSH your Hs into therapy w you!
DON"T insist on talks about your relationship.
Don't pry and become obsessed with EAs or OW.
WORK ON YOURSELF!
Actions speak louder than words.Change YOUR behavior and attitudes NOW!The only peson you have ANY control over in this world is YOU!!!!
Men HATE relationship talks and if they resist therapy,go by yourself!
DON"T PURSUE YOUR H...lovingly DISTANCE!
I am so happy with my H's "recovery" and our wonderful NEW marriage.I feel like I am on my honeymoon again after 17 years.I have no anger or unresolved feelings,now that my H is surrounding me w such love.I have grown so much over the past year and have much success in many areas to show for it.You see,I was was unhappy,too,just in denial over the dismal shape of my marriage.I don't appreciate the way that my H rocked my world,but I am better for it in many ways.
I see no need to live in the past,as the present is wonderful. I have "moved on".
All the "talk" in the world cannot create the profound changes that the behavioral approach of DBing does so effectively.
CONCENTRATE YOUR EFFORTS ON DBING!
This is a message of love and hope for all of you and of of deep gratitude to Michele and my DB companions who have given my the stamina to keep at it when I wanted to quit.
Have a wonderful weekend...Jenny
BTW,I am a therapist in the mental health field.I had to set aside many of my own preconceived notions and professional training to use the DBing approach.
Jenny, Hi! Welcome back! I must agree with everything you said, both about Mother's Day and how disappointing it can be at this time. Last year, at this time, I was separated from h. He did not buy me a card. He did take me out to dinner at daughter's insistence. It was painful. I thought "Why bother? I won't be able to eat anything, anyway." But we went, and survived. I cried all night when he left for his rented room.
I recommend keeping very busy with yourselves or your kids, or other friends. But don't obsess on the day. Also, all Jenny's suggestions on what to do and what not to do are very good ones. And remember, nothing happens quickly. Lasting change takes a lot of time. Be patient. Be very, very patient.
Glad you stopped back in! Thank you for the pleasant reminder in your post. My thought this year for Mother's Day is....as long as I have my two precious boys with me on that day, nothing else will matter....they are what the day is all about anyways! And frankly I am to the point that it will not bother me if H doesn't help them "do" something for me (their still young )
While reading your post I got goose bumps as you stated that your marriage is now better than ever...oh, how I had only hoped and dreamed. I think it is wonderful for you!!
I haven't posted to you in a while but I've been reading about your new progress. It reads wonderfully and it couldn't happen to a nicer lady. And enjoy your Mother’s Day!!!!
My life is going well. Andy is a giant bichon at 15+lbs. already and still 3 months shy of 1 yr old. I am very busy w/ work, lots of projects going on here. I want to transition into a sales role so I've had to start discipline myself into saying "no" to social commitments and working on the job hunt. Today has been great because 2 recruiters called me and they are both setting up interviews and internally I'm going to meet w/ the sales director for my region. For me, whether it is dating or job hunting it is always feast or famine.
One of the reasons that I wanted to respond to you is that my divorce will be final sometime next week. The clerks office goofed up a bit and we each have different dates which seems illogical at best but by the end of the week we are both divorced. But I can't emphasize enough the need to detach yourself and not personalize everything. Now I can do it and we are again great friends. We even live on the same street and usually golf once a month together.
The idea of not being so available changes everything and your spouse WILL seek you out. I had a couple of voicemails from my spouse last week because he was dying to tell me some big family news. I know that last year, I would have been the last to know and then he would have tried to pretend that the news really wasn't all that big and played a bunch of other dumb mind games w/ me. I am again his friend and confidante, it is a little bit unorthodox in that we do share dating stories. Somedays I think that my father’s prediction of an eventual reconciliation may come true that is a something to ponder much, much later. But my point is that both Jenny & I are living proof that detaching, not personalizing and living your own life are the keys to success.
Baker, I was so happy to read your posting that I didn't read all of them in this section!!! I am so happy for you and your family. I knew you would make it. Time and patience...that is the key.
It seems that true forgiveness and unconditional love is what is necessary to get things back together sometimes. I knew that I loved my H desperately...but coldn't act in a desperate manner...just like you. We are very happy right now. This summer is going to be so much different than last summer...and I'm looking forward to it. We have made arrangements for a family vacation to Florida in August, but we have slithered away for several weekend rendevous by ourselves as well.
I started to feel a little bit nostalgic lately...but had to snap out of it quickly....the year anniversaries of all the bad things are coming up and I have a little difficulty in dealing with those...like his spending his birthday with the other woman, and him asking me for a separation for the first time the night before Mother's Day..and the list goes on. But I spoke to him about it and told him that I need a little more attention lately and there it was. He is so very attentive to me and my needs now...I feel very lucky. But anyway...I just want to say thank you for all your encouragement...and good things come to those who wait. You waited long enough...now the world is your oyster....enjoy your summer...as will I. Karen
Dear Jenny, WOW! This is such great news! I can't begin to tell you how happy I am for you. I really can appreciate how hard it must have been for you to focus all of your energy on doing what you did to make your marriage work, especially when your professional training taught you otherwise! You are truly incredible! How wonderful for your family that you committed to DBing. I am thrilled that the principles in my book have been so helpful to you. But you are the real star. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. I'm sure you are.
Please keep us posted as you continue to DB. We all want to know what wonderful discoveries you are making about yourself, you H and your family.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and your story of inspiration. I will post it in the success story section. Keep being successful! Michele
