Just wanted you to know that DBing has worked for me and my marriage is better than ever,following a a few very dismal and traumatic years.
My H refused all therapy etc.,so I just went ahead anyway all by myself!Michele's books,this board and a continuing faith and reliance on my Higher Power supported and guided me to a new and improved relationship w my H.
I posted an update on MLC Forum under country girls thread re DBing and MlC. My marriage is healing and I feel loved and desired again.
Unfortunately,my children's schoolwork and emotional health have suffered through this year of uncertainity.They seem to be going through a post traumatic stress reaction.Now that mom and dad are happy,it's OK for them to release their feelings and act out their fears.GG,you know what I mean,I'm sure!We will pull through this w love,support and time.They need to feel "safe" again.
Please don't give up until you are absolutely ready to move on.The fact that most of you have H's who are actively involved w you in one way or another is a good sign! In time they could return and rediscover their feelings for you and for themselves.Most of this is insanity on the part of the mlc spouse and by knowing that and acting accordingly,positive changed can and do occur. My best to all of you...Jenny Baker
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 05-03-2000).]
Thanx, Jenny! Every success story I read about adds to my PMA and determination to be one of those successes. I do think, all-in-all, H and I are heading in the right direction. Baby step by baby step. I don't remember your story real clearly. Could you summarize it for us? Or actually I guess I could head over to the thread you mentioned. Was there an Ow involved though? CONGRATULATIONS!!
I have been looking for you and wondering what happened to you. You derserve the very best. You were such a support for me in my time of crisis that I will always think of you as a very special person in my life.
My H is back from Mars or wherever his mind was at the time. For him it is the past and we must look to the future. My H has turned out to be a wonderful grandpa to our little granson and sees him everyday.
Jenny I am sure your children are going to be just fine. They may act out now but when they see Mom and Dad standing together to love them and help them they will feel secure and just be kids. All kids are a challenge to raise. I'm sure your kids will be OK. How could they not with such a terrific mom.
Its sounds like your life has been going in a lot of positive directions.
Jenny I will always include you and yours in my prayers. Be happy and enjoy every day that God gives you with your H and your children. How fortunate we have been! !
It is so nice to read about another success! Congratulations to you, your H and your family!
(Like Sonia asked), could you summarize your story for us? The ups/downs, ins/outs, baby steps/backslides, what worked for you/what didn't. Possibly some of us can measure progress against yours. Thanks
And again, it's so comforting to read about another saved marriage...may you always be happy!
Over the past year,I have posted countless times to Michelle's board.Periodically,I have deleted posts as I made progress,since this is not just "my story" but it belongs to my family.It's impossible to have annonymity on the internet,but I choose to be prudent.
I am happy to share what worked in my case,but would prefer,not to relive every detail.
My situation is similar to most of yours...Married for 17 years,two children and a spouse having some sort of identity crisis(MLC)which looked like it would necessitate a divorce.Possible EA realtionship and perhaps even more.
H refused to engage in any effort to resolve marital problems,so I proceeded,by myself, to heal our relationship.
My religious beliefs and devotion to my children were the foundation for my refusal to allow our family to be destroyed,w/o a tremendous effort on my part to avert this disaster.
No longer could I wallow in self pity re the abuses I encountered,I had a plan of action, which I implemented,that required 100%of my energy and enourmous patience.At times,my feelings toward spouse for all the anguish he had created were extremely negative.
However,my children and the belief that my H had a good heart somewhere inside kept me going.Relating his MLC to a life threatening disease was a good analogy for me.I detached from all the despicable symptoms of his illness and refused to personalize his "unhappiness".I withdrew from potential conflicts and acted like a sounding board using active listening techniques.
I decided to "not be so available"and went back to work,leaving H w children at every opportunity.This helped enormously as it increased my self esteem and caused my H to "miss" me.It was a turning point.
I had several slips,but always got right back on my DB horse and continued the journey.
It has been a long a painful journey,but I have come out ahead as a result.I have more confidence and wonderful career opportunities,if I want to pursue them.My H and have rediscovered one another and are closer than we ever were initially.
It's time for "carpool" and i must pick up my children,but will check in again.
Don't give up on yourselves and the power you have within you! I would like to be of help to you.... as so many have helped me over the past 16 months....Jenny Baker
A big hug to you...JW.You are one of my very special friends as you well know.I am so happy I was able to reach out and give you a hand when you first visited this board last summer,even though you "beat me to the finish line" by several months!
JW,can you believe the nightmare we have survived and the growth that has occurred for both of us!!!!
Here's a toast to the "Three Musketeers"...GG,you know darn well you are #3.
Dear GG,my heart goes out to you and your precious daughter.I am having similar problems w my son.I thinks it's a delayed reaction to all the stress they have suffered over the past few years due to their respective family problems.We'll have to get St. Jude involved in this dilemma.too!
Hi Jenny! So good to hear from you and to hear your progress. Yes, I do understand the effects this has on this kids. My daughter is really going through some trauma. H and I are both trying to deal with her, and her problems, although he would prefer to do the ostrich thing and pretend it will all go away if he ignores it. I won't let him, but I am trying to be gentle about it. Sometimes I get terribly frustrated.
My deadline was to be May 31. He has made some steps in the right direction. Not enough in my opinion, but I am going to hang in there a bit longer. I still have not found a job yet, other than part time with a consulting firm. There are some full time opportunities with the firm, but they are far from home and I need to be a little more available for shrink app'ts, etc., with my d.
I too, need to get away frequently to regroup and dump off some anxiety. I can relate to the few dismal and traumatic years you speak of. It's really been awful, and had someone told me this was going to happen, I probably either would not have believed them, or just bolted right then and there. Surviving this means we can survive anything. Yes, I pray to St. Jude everyday. And although my faith wavers daily, it keeps me going most of the time.
I just returned from a conference in the DC area. Very cool, and got me excited about my career again. My paper looks good in print! It was very exciting for me to see it.
Well, I gotta run. Have 9 days of email and BB to catch up on. Again, it was great to hear from you, Jenny. Hang in there! hugs, GG
I have a question for Jenny or anyone else who knew her story.....was there a separation involved. I know I am sort of butting in on your thread here but I need all of the reassurances I can get right now. And a success story is the best reassurance you can get, so here I am. I am almost to my date of separation ( june 1st) and as it is getting closer I am getting more afraid of what might come with the separation. I would also like a females opinion on something......My W just called me and told me she was shopping and wehn I asked her she was shopping for she said stuff for your apt. for when you move. We are still on good terms and are friends but is this normal???? And are the feelings of hurt and anger that I felt when she said that normal as well???? Please let me know....I need answers.
Jim: Personally, I find it a little odd that she would be shopping for you for your apartment. If I were you I would say thank you, but I can shop for myself and decide what I need and don't need. Maybe she wants to be sure that you are well taken care of after your supposed move.
Yes, I think it is perfectly normal to be hurting and feeling down. Try to not let her see that though. She is trying to push your buttons - don't let her.
