ChrisJ, Enjoy your days with your W. Love her for all of us who seemingly won't be able to love our own spouse's. Your a real success story for us guys out here who feel that sometimes its almost hopeless. But hopefully standing for our beliefs and accepting our faults like you have will lead to something in the future. Man I'm happy for the 2 of you.. Ron
It really seems like your marriage is once again on solid ground. I'm thrilled for you as is everyone else here on this site. With all of the gains you have both made, make sure that you dont get too comfortable with the marriage and revert back to your old habits. I'm sure you'll agree that it wouldnt be hard to do for the "old Chris". But like me, you've learned so much over the past 6months. this will keep you on the right path.
Your story and advice are keeping me going right now. Now that things are going well with you and your wife, I hope you'll still be hanging out here occasionally.
Be proud of yourself. You had the courage to admit your part in all of this and had the strength to see it through. Your wife is a lucky woman and I think she now realizes it.
Congratulations on the breakthough! That was a major hurdle!
Now please remember to take it slow!!! Your journey isn't over yet!
I don't want you to take this post as limiting your joy, I just want you to be CAREFUL! Those of us with WAWs don't have a great success rate at winning back our wives, so we need to make sure we don't stumble when we have them headed in the right direction.
I am in a very similar situation to yourself. I have had that "breakthrough" with my wife a few weeks back. (Although it may not have been quite as spectacular or significant as yours.) She told me she finally believed me when I said the changes I had made were permanent. She promised to re-commit her efforts in our marriage just as much as I had. (Just like your wife said about you, my W had been aware of all the changes I had been making, and needed time to truly believe I meant what I said.)
Now, here's my warning, and again please don't take this as "rain on your parade"
************************************* Don't assume the rollercoaster ride is over. It's never truly over.
Since my breakthrough with my wife, life has been wonderful. We've laughed, we've been intimate, we've both initiated snuggling sessions and we talk all the time... more than we ever have. It's been truly wonderful.
But then one day it dawned on me that she still hadn't told me she loved me yet. At that point I had a "setback", forgetting that since things were headed in the right direction didn't mean things were "back to normal". I made a big No-No and asked her about it. She got upset and said that while she is working very hard on things, she still gets very mad at me at times for the way things were in the past. She said there are times she just doesn't want me around, or want me to love her. She also said that she doesn't know when (or if) that feeling will truly go ever away, which would be a "problem". To top it off, although we've tabled it for the forseeable future (I thought it was totally gone) she mentioned that a separation still may be needed sometime down the road to see what she really wants. She wanted to know if the only reason I wanted her now as compared to "back then" (I've always wanted her, I just didn't know how to show it) was that she lost a ton of weight.
So you see, while I thought I was "out of the woods" or "over the hump", I stumbled upon a whole nest of yet to be resolved issues. I recovered pretty well (I think) and we've resumed our efforts. We continue down our long road to the perfect marriage - we're enjoying this newfound closeness, but I still wait to hear those precious few words.
**************************
Enough negativity for a response to a happy post...
Again, Congratulations Chris!!! We're all so happy for you. Keep the faith, best of luck to you, and heed my warning: Demons can be controlled, but they are never truly gone. With that in mind, you should be set for the remainder of your journey.
Hi Chris - Just want to let you know AGAIN, how happy I am for you and W. Reading your posts give me such inspiration. (I'm also going back to DAVID2's thread here on piecing, you've posted some great advice there -- everyone here should read it!!)
How do YOU feel knowing that you have only 2 counciling sessions left? Do you feel ready to do it on your own (so to speak)?
I've got a couple of other questions, if you don't mind. Did your W give you the "in love/ but not IN LOVE" speech? Has she told you she loves you yet? If so, how long did this take?
Just curious Chris, if these are to personal, I understand.
Cherish every moment and never take the little things for granted (I know you don't need to be told this )
Chelsea
[This message has been edited by Chelsea (edited 03-29-2000).]
Yes, I got much the same story in the begining... at one point my W was not sure if she had ever loved me. She questioned why we were ever together. During these trouble times the her memory was very filtered.
She has told me that she loves me several times now. I also make a point of telling her that I am feeling loved.
We do not have any scheduled sessions left only one "check-in" in about 2 months. We all felt very comfortable with this.
Chelsea, much of Michelles advise is very general for good reason... everybodies situation requires a different solution to a different problem. For me, I identified my part in the problem and went about changing what I could. The rest just takes time and faith.
I believe you have the strength and conviction to rebuild your marriage. I wish you luck.
Reading your posts make me realize the long journey I have ahead of me. Thanks, it helps me keep my head on straight. My W just told me tonight that she plans (has had them) to move back in on June 1. I've posted over in "Hopefulness". Not sure if I should stay there until (if?) we're in the same house again or come here. I feel I will stay in Hopefulness till then.
Thanks for your posts. They help me keep my sights set straight ahead.
Chelsea - I agree with Chris and couldn't say it better myself.
Just want to post about some of the realizations that have occurred to me over the last few weeks.
I have found that as my W is begining to accept that I am a changed person she is slowly starting to vocalize her part and her understanding in our separation. I have found this most comforting and has really cemented our relationship.
She has also told me that it was my continuous faith in "us" no matter how she was doing of how she was acting that allowed her to come back.
I post this now to help some of you who are close to breaking through but need reasons to believe. You need faith in the process as it's this faith that allows you to show your SO that there is a way back. That it is a safe place where he or she is not judged by to craziness of the past.
This makes alot of sense to those of us in the direction of where you are at but not quite there yet. I have a question for you. My wife and I, about 3 weeks ago, agreed to take another shot at it and I have been basically living there since. Things have been real good and we seem to be avoiding some of our previous pitfalls. The problem is that saturday we had a talk about intimacy and she said although things have been real good and she is very happy she does not have those feelings for me. She said "it has been great" and that I basically am perfect for her but she doesn't have those feelings and it is stressing her out. She is worried that they will never come back. I had assumed that this would take alot of time and thus haven't given much thought to it. She also inadvertantly said some things that lead me to believe that she has not fully accepted that the changes I made in myself are real, like they haven't soaked in yet. I am worried that she is going to write the whole thing off in her mind or hold back because she is expecting things to come back too soon and thus condemn and chance we have for a happy relationship that I know we can have. She also said she tries not to give me the wrong imperssion by kissing me too passionatly when we kiss, she doesn't want to lead me on. I just feel like she is not going to allow herself to "fall in love" with me again with fear that those feelings will never come back or that she is leading me on. Things have been so great besides this, I know you went through alot of similar situations, any advice or encouragement?
First of all imagine how difficult it is for your W right now. She has put herself under pressure to feel a certain way. It must be reallly scary for her.
She has probably started to accept your changes but she is scared that the past will repeat itself. She is scared that once both of your entire focus is shifted from your relationship that she will be neglected and non-validated again.
Under all these pressures and anxieties it's no wonder she can not "let go" enough to fall in love again. It takes time.
My advise is to try in every way possible to accept her and what she is going through. If OR talks pressure her then avoid them. If she wants to talk about something then listen. Enjoy her as she is. Let her know how much you enjoy kissing her, (even if she is struggling with the passion). Assume and believe that she wants to fall in love with you again but let her feel comfort in the fact that it will not happen today or tommorow that it will take time and you will wait and support her while she makes this most difficult of journeys
By the way I could have written your last post (only a few months ago)
Chris, as you know, I'm going thru the same as SS right now. Things have been going along ok with us too but the intimacy still isnt there as you know. We have been kissing and hugging a little more passionately lately and last night, I was actually the first to pull away from her, which hasnt happened in a long time. But I know that she holds back because she knows that if she gives too much it gets my motor running and then we both feel bad.
SS, listen to Chris. He's been there. I've noticed that when I have low expectations about our relationship and intimacy, my expectations are usually exceeded! Figure that one out! The way I figure it, as long as we enjoy each other's company, are getting along, and avoid all of the negativity that we've had over the past year, the intimacy is bound to return at some point. Hopefully....
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