Long story short - my girlfriend decided our relationship was over in early November. Haven't talked to her since mid-December. She won't respond to my text messages (last sent January 8). What do I do now? I have apologized for my mistakes and she knows I love her and want to be with her. Please advise.
Other info: We have broken up many times before and she always came back and gave me another chance in which I blew it. Latest was June - Sept (didn't see her), Aug - Sept (no contact at all even phone, email or text), she called at the end of Sept and we had a few dates in Oct and I blew it again. She's very sensitive to conflict and I was really questioning her, being too possessive (she's very independent), etc. Everyone says to move on and find someone easier to get along with who's more emotionally available but I love her with all my heart. I have learned a lot from this volatile, 2 1/2 year relationship and I am determined to treat her as she wants to be treated if I ever get "another" chance.
Would someone please tell me what you would do? Would you call her, send a card, send a text message or just leave her alone and wait for her to call? Thanks so much!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Sorry to be confusing. Yes, I'm gay and tried to switch the identities of the older post in order to get more advice. (It didn't work.) I guess it never pays to be untruthful. This time I just left out the gender of myself hoping more people would reply. I know this same sex issue is difficult for most people to deal with. I really appreciate your advice. I haven't read yours yet but I will soon. Thanks again. K
Ohhhh ok.. gotcha, thank you. Sorry, I was really confused thinking that you were trying to get a boyfriend back a few months ago and now a girlfriend and thinkin' "well there's the problem!"
I still go with the advice I left earlier of leave her alone for now. Sounds like she needs the time away to get herself together.
But with that said.. do you have ANY contact at all? It's always a bit tougher when you don't have actual "reasons" to see each other and show off the "new and improved" you. When's the last time that you talked to her - has it been since things went bad in October?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thanks for understanding and helping me. Haven't talked to her live since Dec. 12. Did some text messaging around Xmas. Didn't send text or anything from Jan. 8 through Feb. 1. I called her house and her cell because she has something at her house that I need (it's mine and I left it there accidentally). No response to either call. Finally sent a text and at 9:20 last night (Feb. 1) she responded via text that she was "out of town" for the weekend and would get the item to me next week. We won't have any contact. She'll just leave it in my carport while I'm at work or something.
She obviously wants nothing to do with me. She doesn't want to talk on the phone and tell me how she's doing or anything. I drove to her house to see if her car was really gone and I was shocked with a "For Sale by Owner" sign in the front yard. She had told me before that she might consider selling the house because there were too many memories of "us", etc. I was devastated and cried half the night. I love that house and have even thought of buying it myself.
I left her a text this morning (Feb. 2) and asked her to please call me for a live conversation if possible. No answer yet (3 hours later). One more kink in this shitty plot - she's decided after being gay her entire adult life (18 years)that she wants to stop. She's gotten heavy into religion. Her church (and her ex) have brainwashed her I think. Coincidentally, the ex started her religious fanaticism one year ago and that's when things between us went from bad to worse. FYI - I'm a Christian but I'm still accepting of my sexuality.
I think I've lost her for sure this time. She's told me before, when everything was good between us the religion didn't really matter but when we argued so much it came to the forefront. She thinks God is trying to tell her to "straighten" up since we have had so many problems. I really don't think she will look for a man, just remain "celibate." Her real problems are childhood abuse and problems with "mother" but she refuses to address them properly.
I know it sounds like I should be happy to get the hell out and find someone more mature, more emotionally healthy, more available, etc. BUT I love her with all my heart and I am responsible for at least half the problems (my own issues from early childhood). I have tried SO hard to change my neediness, clinginess, etc. I have read the DR book a thousand times. I have been to a psychologist for over a year now.
Sorry to read your here, but your in the right place. Just a side note, don't be ashamed of or hide who you are. Sure a lot of people don't agree with YOUR lifestyle, but it is yours, not theirs. Just be you, and if others can't accept it, well their lose for not getting to know a person for just that, the person you are.
I guess all you can do right now is give her her space as you have done. You can't control you, but you can be an upstanding person for yourself. This is the great thing about DB'ing, your R may or may not work out, but in the meantime you won't lose all dignity and self-respect by acting like a child. Be a stand person and show that your better choice.
It sounds like you're right that she wants nothing to do with you, at least not right now. I'm sorry to hear about the house, that must have stung. I think you need to get back to basics - no snooping, leave her alone, keep the focus on you.
I know this is hard but if you truly love her, you need to step away right now and let her figure out what it is she wants out of life. And... the best way to do that is figure it out for yourself too.. well, at least the parts you do have control over.
It's not up to you to persuade her, "fix" her, any of that. That's all her "job" and hopefully she'll decide to do it.
Regarding this part:
Quote:
I know it sounds like I should be happy to get the hell out and find someone more mature, more emotionally healthy, more available, etc.
Actually I'd disagree with this. I think FIRST you should be focusing on becoming happy, healthy, and whole on your own - WITHOUT feeling that you "need" someone else in your life.
Quote:
BUT I love her with all my heart and I am responsible for at least half the problems (my own issues from early childhood). I have tried SO hard to change my neediness, clinginess, etc. I have read the DR book a thousand times. I have been to a psychologist for over a year now.
Sounds like you've made some good progress, glad to hear that. Sounds like you also have a ways to go. I'd recommend setting some goals (not R goals, goals for you) and finding ways to work towards those.
As a start I'd recommend no more snooping and taking the focus off of her and what she's doing COMPLETELY..
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
