Hi Andy! My dad is good--back from the hospital, tired, healing, and good.
I have big events to tell you all, but not the energy to post all the details. Here's the nutshell: H showed up on Thursday and said he wants a D. No warning, no nothing. As far as he's concerned, it's the only answer. He handed me papers that he had signed and notarized. I told him that I would not sign right now and that I need time and space to process this. He doesn't want to involve lawyers and thinks that I'll just go along with him on this.
I was beside myself on Friday and convinced that this was it. I've spoken to Virago, my tarot reader and former couples counselor, and Chuck, my DB coach. Both agree that he seems to panicking--maybe coming out of his stupor and realizing that he is responsible for the unhappiness that he feels. They advise to keep the course and see what happens.
H has also been here and acted like nothing happened, but tonight he told me I don't need to fill out the finanacial declaration pages because when the parties agree on the details of the paperwork, it just doesn't need to be filled out. I don't think he regrets giving me this paperwork and in fact believes that we can go on as always but that he'll get his divorce.
I'm trying to figure out what I need to do legally here. Does anyone know if Roller Coaster Rider is still around? I can't find her. She lives in WA and knows about the laws.
I'm calmer than I was and feel like I have a gameplan thanks to Chuck and Virago, but I'm also scared. I'm afraid that if I don't respond correctly to these papers that the D will be granted automatically.
Can anyone steer me in the right direction re. legalities?
Protect yourself. Consult a L. Often they offer free consultations. Look in the yellow pages. Google your state statutes on the internet. Pretty interesting stuff! Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power!
Your H has been able to come and go as he pleases, do Virago and Chuck think you should do any 180's to that game plan? a little dose of reality if he finds a locked door and his keys don't work.
Are you unprepared for this stage after all this time? Get yourself ready girl! That doesn't mean it will happen but it gets harder to turn it around now that H has paperwork in motion. I am sure if my H presents paperwork I will have shock factor too, but I've told him too often that living the way we are is not acceptable to me. I still can't bring myself to go file but if he does I have a plan for that fork in the road too, although slightly scattered.
I'm glad your dad is doing good. I didn't see you waving when you went by!
Stay strong. (((((amd)))))
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I have no idea what those last two posts mean. Is this a reference to my coaching session? If so, butt out. I use my DB coach when I really need him. I prepaid for sessions and feel entitled to use them. If you don't like it, don't read my posts.
ANYWAY.
Thanks WCW and Andy!
Sorry I haven't posted. I just needed to finish the school year and to visit my folks. My dad is doing great, and visiting old friends was awesome! WCW, I waved to you, did you see me?
Interesting developments since the last time I posted. For one thing, I found out that H gave me the wrong papers.
Let me repeat that: HE GAVE ME THE WRONG PAPERS.
I think this is the only time that I can say that MLC has helped me at all. He got an info pack off of a website, ASSumed he knew what he was doing, and filled out the papers that the judge would issue at the end of a D settlement.
In other words, no suit has been filed. This is great news because it means I am under no timeline. In this state, you have 90 days to respond or the D is granted automatically.
Also, 3 days after H bombed me, he walked in the door and acted like the convo had never happened. This shows me that he is still in MLCBS lala land and that he doesn't know what he wants.
I am proceeding as if we didn't have that convo, with a couple of exceptions. One big step I took was to open my own checking/ savings account. He wanted our money separate, and he got it. I think it will be quite a shock to him when he realizes that he has a lot less money to play with. I feel more comfortable now because I know how much is in my account and exactly how it's spent. A BIG stress relief.
Also, I asked H what his plan is for the future--I don't ususally initiate any convo about the future or his plans. He gets a D, we both have our summer, he continues to work where he works, I continue to work where I work; what does he see for us in the future?
His response: He doesn't know. We will still be friends, maybe we'll have a romantic R. We may even live together again...or maybe not. Maybe he'll keep living the way he does now. I just listened and kept it light. Obviously my idea of what D means differs greatly from his, and I will need to tell him that when necessary. For now, I'm just listening.
Other than that, I continue to GAL and to give loving kindness--Chuck advised not to rock the boat too much. He said that I stirred up something that needed to be stirred up and to continue on. He agreed that it appeared that H is coming out of MLC, so that was encouraging. Maybe this is the trip back through the MLC tunnel that I read about.
One analogy that he shared with me that I hadn't heard before really caught my attention: he said that the MLCer is like an actor in a one-person play. Everyone else in the play is static, and it is very distressing to the MLCer when another character starts acting. This thought helps me understand why H freaks out sometimes when I do stuff that he doesn't expect.
Here's something else that keeps me listening. I left on Wednesday morning. Never saw H or spoke with him. I called and left a message before I got on the plane to say goodbye. My phone was off for the flight, of course, and I didn't turn it on until about 11PM EST. He texted 3 times. The first said, "Got your message. You weren't saying goodbye to me forever were you? Hope you have a good time." Several hours later he wrote "Are you there? Did you get my text earlier today?" and then, a few hours later "You there?" So I texted back to the first message that I received all the texts, my phone was off, great flight, I was going to bed, etc. I ignored the goodbye forever thing. He texted back immediately "so you weren't saying goodbye forever amd?" And I wrote back,"No, not today.:)" And he wrote, "OK night then."
The next day he texted in the afternoon "Hope all is well amd." When I didn't reply right away, he wrote, "You're a bad texter." By then I was out with friends and had heard about Michael Jackson's death, and I texted back about that. He texted again to ask if I was OK here, and I wrote back about the heat. He called me later that night and said he wished he could come over and watch a movie or something at our house and seemed happy when I said I wished that too. he asked if it was OK for him to go to the house and watch TV while I was gone. I said sure and reminded him that my FF was taking care of the cats. After we hung up, he texted, "I am sorry I let you down amd." I wrote back "What are you talking about?" And when he didn't respond I left a message and said "It's OK. I forgive you. Let's just start fresh together."
I heard from him once more afer I texted that I was going to a crabfeast with friends (YUM!). He texted "Thinking of you." I didn't get it till late, and I waited till the next day to text back, "Good. :)"
I think he was talking about not taking care of the cats with the whole "I let you down" thing, but I'm not sure--it could be the much bigger elephant in the room. He has not referred to it at all. I LOVE that he needed to be in touch with me so much. Once I got back, it was very much the same old, same old; he likes to hang out with me when it's convenient for him and then he leaves and does whatever it is that he does. Right now it appears that he is fishing again--that's a real H thing to do, not the alien H.
So my plan for the summer:
* continue to GAL. Although I have many hobbies that I enjoy and I am perfectly comfortable with myself, I need to not be alone so much, and my goal is to be out of the house with friends at least 3 times a week. This includes hitting the gym several times a week since I'm not constrained by a work schedule.
* keep working on the house. I have PLENTY of projects to do, and plenty more that require a professional --and money. So I will do what I can and keep saving for the bigger jobs. This is so the house is more comfortable and more ready to sell sometime in the future with or without H in the picture.
OK, that's it from me because I'm done AND because I am annoyed by the fact that the screen will not stay where I am typing. Is this happening to anyone else? It is very irksome.
Those deleted posts were in reference to your request for how to get in contact with rcr. A website for her had been posted. If you can contact me offthisboard I might have what you're looking for.
I am so glad you are in control of your money. IMO, you should continue taking steps to allow your H to see how his life would be without you in it. I know that doesn't follow what Chuck says, but amd you have been here about as long as I have. While YOU have grown so much stronger your H continues to flop around and walk in and out of your life however he pleases.
Why in the world does he have to go to your house when you're not there to watch your tv? That says to me that he comes for the convenience of your house and not to see you. Set some boundaries. Since he wants to visit the house with or without you, why not eliminate the house from his list of pleasures? He can see you at the local coffee shop. Keep stirring the pot, but of course you have to be ready for whatever the consequences will be. But look what happened when you left town without clueing him in!
I didn't see you wave but that might have been because I was traveling too. BTW, when is that BBQ you are having us all over for?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks for the info on that poster--I will be in touch. That's so weird--I obviously missed something HUGE.
Re. the money: Actually, Chuck was in favor of letting H see that life will be different for him without my income to supplement his.
Re. the house: I'm not sure why he asked to come here while I was gone. I think it might be for convenience (TV, internet access), but I think it's also because I've made this a safe place to be. He dithers on this point--he resents this house and has "bad memories of being here alone," (like when I went to choir practice) but he wants to be here because it's a haven. He has told me in the past that this is the only place where he feels comfortable enough to relax.
One benefit to him coming and going freely is that I'm often out when he shows up and then he waits around for me. Here's something I thought was really funny: a couple of days before I left, I had to run to the store late for cat litter. I drove down our street, and I saw a silver car coming towards me that stopped as I approached. I tend not to notice/ look at other drivers when I drive, so I kept going...without realizing that it was H. In fact, the only reason that I know it was him is because he called about 2 hours later and told me that I drove right past him. In my defense, I'll say that he has windows that are tinted so dark that they are actually illegal, so I wouldn't have seen him anyway, and this is a car he bought not too long before he moved out, so I am just not familiar with it. The whole thing craked me up. My only error was that I didn't milk it for mystery and told him where I was going and that I'd come right back. I need to remember that we're back at the beginning of the rollercoaster and that I need to use those old strategies. Maybe rereading DB and DR is in order.
Right now H is out of town--I don't know where. He called me last week to say that he would be gone and if he "fell off the face of the earth, that's why." I think he might be back east visiting his folks, but I have no idea--he could be off on an adventure with his buddy from Seattle. I'm staying busy with my own stuff, but my friends are not always available when I need them, so I've been alone a lot more than I want to be. Got to fix that.
I went to Seattle with FF KL to hear Wayne Dyer speak. So wonderful! He signed one of my books, and I said "Thanks Wayne!" and he took my hand and looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you, beautiful." I said, "You changed my life. You changed the way I teach," and he turned back and refocused on me and said, "Oh, you're a teacher?" He is one of the teachers I've discovered on the spiritual journey that's come out of this marriage crisis, and I honestly don't know where I'd be without his philosophy. Always great to meet one of your heroes!
These are just rambling thoughts, really. I'm tired today, and my neck has been bothering me a lot recently. I'm alone way too much even though I see friends and go out; it's being home alone afterwards that is hard for me right now.
I'm also sad because there was a bad car wreck the other night that involved 3 former students, all really good kids. One is dead, one is in the hospital and recovering, and the third is in jail. Speed and alcohol and teenage boys about to start a new chapter in their lives...a bad combo.
So don't take any of this too seriously. I'm in a down mood is all, and I need to get it out.
Nothing really happening here regarding H. I have seen very little of him over the past couple of months--since I got back from MD, really only a handful of times. I am now trying "nice" text every 3 days or so--something little like "Hope you had a great weekend! Be well." My goal is to let him know that I am alive a doing very well and to create some mystery and make him wonder why I'm texting instead of calling. He knows I've been out with friends, etc., but he shows little interest in what I'm doing. I think he's cycling through the MLC stages again and is back in the "I can do whatever I like because there are no consequences in the universe that I would care about" stage.
I am seriously thinking of throwing in the towel right now. I deserve so much more than this. I really love him, but I need to stop letting him be an energy vampire and get more detached again.
I'm OK, and I know I'll be OK no matter what. I will be more than OK, actually. I guess I just don't know for absolutely sure that I'm done so I hold off.
I also wonder if/when he comes out of MLC, will he decide to start in a fresh M with me or will he just want to be completely done with "us." No guarantees that sanity will bring him home, you know?
Are you still rattled by H's actions (or lack of) regarding filing. Do you get any response from your txts to H? Keep being who you are, and definitely keep working on plan A and plan B so you're ready for whatever comes next.
When is it county fair time?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I just listened and kept it light. Obviously my idea of what D means differs greatly from his, and I will need to tell him that when necessary. For now, I'm just listening.
