I have settled back into my "normal" routine. My students made it easy to go back to work. My parents and surviving brother are coping. Thanks to all of you for your good thoughts.
Slowly, I don't think it affects me like it used to. I am sad sometimes, and I miss him a lot, but I am able to stay on a more evn keel than in the past. I think I recognize that a lot of what he says is fantasy and stems from a temporary mental illness, and that helps a lot. I'm not afraid of saying or doign the wrong thing so much anymore, as you will see below.
UPDATE: H was here when I got home on the 25th, which I didn't expect. We spent some time together that night. The next day I found out that he'd overdrawn the checking account again. ARGH! I called and left a VM telling him the sitiuation and not to spend any money.
I thought a lot about HeartsBlessing's steps of MLC and about the need to guide the MLC spouse "gently but firmly" towards reality in the latter stages. I decided after talking with Virago that I needed to present him with a budget even though he will HATE it and to gently prod him about being depressed the next time we talked.
BTW, she still says we're getting back together and having a baby, but he needs to get a grip. Duh. She also sayd he's not taking any other job
Anyway. He came over again on Saturday. He immediately apoplogized for the money situation, took all responsibility, and was very affirming of me--this is a different pattern than ever before. He also gave me most of the cash in his pockets for naything I needed. I told him that I am working up a budget so we can see where our money goes and how much we have left to "play" with after the bills are paid. I knew he didn't want to hear this, and I said so, but he accepted it pretty well.
Goal 1 accomplished.
Then I discovered in the course of converation that he's been using Oxycotin again. He got a Rx from his doc for his shoulder (he's convinced his rotator cuff is torn but hasn't taken steps to see a PT about it), and he said he takes a month's worth of pills in about a week. FANTASTIC. I asked if he thinks he's depressed. He asked I thought he was, and I said yes. He asked why, and I said that he hasn't seemed happy in a few years; that he is a vibrant, vital, creative person and I haven't seen that shine through in a long time; and that I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him. I asked if he'd consider going to his doc for AD meds, and he said, "Those are for freaks." Like abusing prescription drugs is normal. I pointed out that taking a month's worth of meds in a week is unhealthy, and his response was, "Well, more like 10 days." I said, "Yeah, that's still not good." He couldn't deny it and didn't try to.
I felt like I planted a seed in this part of the convo, and htat's the most I could hope for on this issue.
Before he left, I asked him to please consider what I'd said about ADs and reiterated that I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him. He said, "love you," and "I don't either," to those last comments.
Goal 2 accomplished.
We've seen each other twice since then, once on Tuesday and today. Both times have been very nice. He also sent me a picture via email at work of Paul Newman and Robert Redford from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"--they are two of our favorite actors, and we were both sad to hear of Pual Newman's death. Anyway, this email was totally unexpected--he hasn't sent me anything on his own since the A started in winter of 2004/2005.
So I got some stuff out there that I needed to say, and he accepted it. I saw some baby steps this week. Any advice out there on how to proceed from here?
In other news, the mason started rebulding our chimney the day I got home, so no more leaky roof this winter, I hope!
OK, that's it. Sorry this is a little disjointed. Let me know what you all think. Be well!
amd, nice job getting those goals out there. As to how to proceed and accomplish them, well that's a whole different deal. How involved do you want your H to be with it? If you plan a budget is he the type that will adhere to it? If not, don't set yourself up for failure and expect him to be involved in fixing anything. Set it up for yourself and let him be included in your thoughts and goals but don't expect him to participate.
I hope he will see the doctor about the prescription med abuse.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Just checking in to let you know I'm among the living. I'm taking a lot of classes that are work-related right now and generally staying busy. I installed a new light fixture in the kitchen over the sink and finished the drawers for the entertainment armoire in the bedroom--I killed the drill in August in the middle of those, so I'm relieved to have them done. The husband of one of my FF's brought a friend over the next day to finish a small shingling project for me--FF and I drank a bottle of wine while they worked, and I had a homemade pie ready for them when they finished. So all that AND a new chimney AND a new shed roof--I'm feeling very cozy in my house. Still decluttering and cleaning, of course--I don't think that ever ends.
I'm going to a Halloween party on Nov.1 as Marie Antoinette. We're to come as someone/thing dead, and I had a sudden inspiration. I'll let you know how it turns out!
Also, I have planned an adventure--I got a single ticket to the Jason Mraz concert in November, and I'm going with a stranger! I wanted to go to this concert as soon as I heard that he was coming, but I relied on flaky friends to let me know if they would go or not and waited too long--all tickets were sold out. I started serachign Craig's List and eBay, but of course all the prices were super high. One day I was thinking about the power of positive thinking and decided to manifest that ticket--I knew it was out there for me somewhere. I maintained that attitude in the morning and went to Craig's List again...and there was a new listing for a single ticket in the middle, 8th row! It was more than I really wanted to pay, but the seller was charging what she had paid, and long story short, I bought it. We're meeting in front of the theater about 20 mniutes before the show starts; we'll walk in together so I know the ticket is legit and I'll pay her in cash once we're in. I am so excited!!
As far as H goes...status quo, I guess. I have the budget mostly done. WCW, you raise good questions. I think he will stick to it if I present him with it because he is very frustrated when we(read he) over spend(s) and we go into the red. But as you say, his choices are his own. He disappeared fora bit when he went on a hunting trip to Idaho with a JW hunting buddy--didn't bother to let me know that he was gone, so my imagination ran away with me and I was PO'ed whe I realized what had happened. He called when he got back, and I told him that I didn't appreciate being int he dark like that. He got a little defensive because he had a TERRIBLE trip (hahahahahaha!), but after he vented about the trip, he saw why I was unhappy. Then he laid low for the rest of the week--no contact. I figured he was out of town again, but it turned out that he was hunkering down and feeling sorry for himself. He's been by a few times since, and I think he may be by tonight--his recent pattern has been to come by on Saturday night, and he wants to watch baseball, so maybe. Maybe not. The great thing is that my evening and mood are unaffected by his presence or lack thereof. That's a long ways from where I was 3 years ago this time.
Not much news here--going on my concert adventure tomorrow, and I'm SO excited! I discovered that another friend of mine is also going--she and her H are taking her D and D's friend for D's b'day--so I'm driving up with them. I was a little worried aobut the drive, mostly for the going home part, so this eases my mind and frees me to really enjoy myself! And who knows; maybe I'll meet Jason Mraz and we'll fall in love and get married and live happily ever after.
Also, my costume was a great hit. I even brought a piece of cake--get it?? I had a great time and had to sober up for a while before I drove home. I sat around the bonfire with FF's husband and 3 of his friends. FF's H knows a little about our situation and was very brotherly in giving me advice, which mostly consisted of "go out and get some a$$," which made me laugh. It was well-meant. He also told me that they several people who would like to date me. I don't klnow how ture that is, but it's nice to know that someone thinks I'm attractive--a little ego boost. I made it clear that I'm sticking to my plan right now.
H has not been by in two weeks. We've talked a few times at his instigation--once he even called after school started, and I had to call him back on my planning time. I don't know what his deal is. My tarot reader asked if this is the anniversary of him and ow getting together, and I think she might be right. She says that he's still going through the 7 stages of grief over this failed A and that he can't imagine how I can forgive him because he would never forgive me if the situation were reversed. She advises me to stay calm and to keep doing what I'm doing--he IS coming home.
Weird note: she says one of the guys that FF and her H have in mind for me is a soul mate from a former life and that we would really be good together. Hmmm...
maybe I'll meet Jason Mraz and we'll fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. \:\)
Quote:
Weird note: she says one of the guys that FF and her H have in mind for me is a soul mate from a former life and that we would really be good together. Hmmm...
Mmmmmm....maybe they want to set you up with their good buddy Jason Mraz, whi is your soul mate from a past life, and the two of you will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after???
I had such a good time last night! The concert was really amazing. Jason Mraz is clearly doing what he loves most in the world, and that is a beaautiful thing to see. I borrowed a friend's camera to take pics (since H has ours), but she doesn't have a great zoom and they didn't turn out very well. I saw a guy in front of me taking fantastic pictures, and I asked him at the end if he would email them to me--and he did! So now I have some great souvenirs. THe only hting that would have made the evening better would have been to actually thank Jason Mraz face to face.
BTW, his email also inspired me to join Facebook. I've thought about it for a while, and now I did it. All that's there so far is my basic info, and I'm not sure how much more I'll add, but it's a little bit of a bold step for me. I'm not sure how to direct anyone here to there--any ideas?
I know that I was meant to be at that concert because the woman I bought the ticket from cleared something up for me. She is recently D'ed--like int he past year--and in the course of conversation I told her that H and I are separated. She told me that if it comes time for me to stop trying, I WILL know it. That was good to hear because I believe that that's true, but sometimes when I'm down, I wonder if I'm hanging on too long. Now I truly know that I'll know.
Today is the dreariest day I've seen ina long while. I'm baking bread and pizza crust and have a fire going while I watch movies. I'm out of wine, but I don't want to go out in the rain to get any. Someone come to my rescue!
And WCW: you are so clever. And yes, she has made predictions about other parts of my life that came come true.
All right, you all, be well. I have to get the bread out of the oven.
It is amazing how we have to step out of our shells and do for ourselves in the world. You have a new friend now and pics from the concert! Glad you had a good time. Be careful about talking about face book on this board. There is a whole group of db people over there including me. This boards mods don't look kindly on that idea. But I think you can find people by email addresses and some have the user name here in the sign up name there. It would be cool to see ya. You said you have my email?
Wine, bread, pizza, fire - you know how to make it cozy!
Kelaaron is a poster here that you should look up too. She has common interests with you about horoscopes, etc....
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I pointed out that taking a month's worth of meds in a week is unhealthy, and his response was, "Well, more like 10 days."
Slowly
But I think you can find people by email addresses and some have the user name here in the sign up name there. It would be cool to see ya. You said you have my email?