Well, I made it back to work. We started last week, and I must say that if I must go back (and since I'm not independently wealthy, I must), I'm grateful to work with so many great colleagues and kids. My school loops, so I have the same students this year as 6th graders that I had last year as 5th graders. They are awesome! And once I got back in the groove, it was fine. Of course the whole getting up early and living by the work schedule thing is killing me after sleeping in and being able to use the bathroom whenever I needed to, but it all works out.
H has been around now and then. The transition from summer vacation to work is always difficult for him, and it is worse this year because our district has changed starting times across the board. Elementary school teachers like me start their contract day at 7:40 instead of last year's 8:20 and end at 2:50 vs. 3:50, and middle school teachers like H start at 9:00 instead of 7:20 and end at 3:55 instead of 3:00. H is pretty unhappy about his whole routine shifting so dramatically, and he's back in the "I hate my job and school" mode. I just A and V and rub his head.
Found out today that H is goind to visit his aunt in San Franciso next weekend--I've gleaned from emails that she published a couple of books of poetry recently, and he may be going for a reading or something, but I'm not sure. Wish I were invited as well, but I have plans that weekend anyway, so there. You know what icon would work great here? One giving a big juicy raspberry!
I am still going out with friends and getting back on the GAL horse. Working definitely keeps me busy, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse to stop doing the things that make me happy. I felt at loose ends in mid-August--anticipating the school year, I think. Starting tomorrow, I'm taking a new class at the gym called BodyFlow--a cobo of yoga, tai chi, and pilates. Can't wait! I've been walking regularly with FF who got married in WI. Still have pleanty of feng shui house projects to finish (painting, decluttering) as well as ones that I've handed over to the pros: the chimney will be rebuilt this week, and a new roof just went on the shop in the back of the house. I'm going to try putting new shingles on one small gable end that the roofer repapered for me. Luckily, another FF's H is going to show me how that works. Thank goodness for handy friends!
H was here last night when I got home from dinner and a movie with friends. We chatted and snuggled and ML, and before he left, I told him I wished he would stay. He said he was getting up early to hunt, and I said, "You could get up early and leave from here. I love you, and I want you home." He was hugging me at the time, and he just buried his face in my neck for a moment and said nothing. Then he sat up and said, "I'm going. I hope you sleep well." So I seized an opportune moment...and the result was not unexpected, just not what I wanted. Oh well.
The class at the gym sounds fun, and it sure seems you're keeping busy.
Sounds like you had a nice little interaction w/ H, and I think it's a good thing that you planted that little seed in his mind again. At this point in the game, I'm not sure how effective doing nothing is (when the opportunity arises, I mean).
Love to you, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I remember shingling my garage, I actually enjoyed it. Getting the bundles of shingles up the ladder was a real test of strength for me! Of course I was younger and in better shape then and it's about time to replace them. Handy friends would be handy!
Wish I had the magic words to snap us into the next whatever will happen phase but I don't. I do agree - life rages on.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW and Nicola: Thanks for your encouragement! There is a point when doing nothing is no longer a strategy or not one appropriate for the entire stretch of time that this takes. I want H to know that I want him. I wish I had the magic words too, or some pixie dust.
So I got some terrible news on Friday after work: my youngest brother died. I may have mentioned him here before. He was an alcoholic and a schizo-paranoiac, which means he was very depressed and had a lot of anxiety issues. Basically he didn't show up at his day program for his dose of meds, and they called my parents, who went to his apartment and found him lying in the kitchen. His chair was tipped backwards and his arms were outstretched. Because he was so young--only 34--and there was no clear indicator of death, an autopsy will be performed. It could be alcohol, but it could just as easily be a heart attack. He didn't appear to have been in pain, and I hope that's true. I hope he was tipping back and just died and kept on tipping, you know?
I knew this call would come one day, but now that it's happened, it's very surreal. He had so many close calls over the years.
I am off of work now for the next 2 weeks. I spent the weeekend getting the details ironed out, including sub plans. My parents weren't sure of the date of the funeral because of the autopsy, so I took as much time as I could to make sure I would be htere. Now the funeral will be Friday or Saturday, so I have a lot of time with them and my old friends in Maryland. That's the silver lining, I guess.
Funny, I was thinking recently about how long it's been since I was back east in the fall. I miss the colors.
I know that he knew that I loved him. I don't regret anything about my relationship with him. He was never going to break through his addictions, and he suffered a lot because of it. My parents suffered as well. He told them recently that trying not to drink was like torture. No one wants to live that way. I am sad, but I'm relieved that he isn't suffering anymore, that my parents aren't suffering, and that I don't have to wait for that phone call any longer.
H was landing in San Francisco when I called him on Friday. He called right back and has checked over the weekend. He told me he'd buy my ticket right there in the ariport if he'd had his laptop with him. I called him this morning thinking that he was back, but he extended his stay through today. I'm glad he's having fun with his family. I asked him to take care of the cats while I'm gone, and he was a little reluctant, but I told him that I need him to do it. It's been difficult dealing with all the details on my own, but my friends here have been so kind and protective. I went to a party on Saturday night--the reception that my FF from WI held--and they were all great. That helped a lot.
((((((amd)))))) My heart goes out to you. In spite of the news about your brother you sound at peace with it. I do hope you find some enjoyable times over the next weeks.
Good for you to tell your H you need him to step up and do something for you!
Travel safe and be well.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
So far my visit has been good. The funeral was yesterday, and there were tons of people there supporting my family. The theme that the priest focused on was hope. He said that we often forget about hope until we are confronted with the opposite: despair. It made me think of this bb and how so many of us arrive here in despair and come out hopeful in the end, regardless of how our Ms turn out.
I am trying to support my parents and brother as much as possible. My brother is taking it really hard, and my parents are doing as well as can be expected. I am also spending time with old friends, and that is really wonderful.
I spoke to H after I arrived on Tuesday, but not since then--I left a few VMs. He says that his rich aunt in San Francisco has all kinds of potential job opportunities for him. He also says that cold be true now or maybe not for a few years. He is enamored of their lifestyle, and who wouldn't be when they are fantastically wealthy and have no financial worries even in the present economy? He doesn't want to worry about money/ debt anymore, but I don't hear him doing anything but wishing for a different situation--and that is an old, old pattern for him. I A and V what he says, but I'm sad that he doesn't see this as an "us" thing. Still spinning in MLC, apparently.
Anyway, I leave on Thursday and will be happy to get home.
I remember seeing a reference to a book that was written for a WAS thinking about returning home, but I can't remember which thread it was on--maybe one of yellowrose's. Does anyone know what the title is? It might be "Getting Past the Affair," which I found on amazon, but I'm just not sure. I'm posting this on YR's thread as well just in case. Thanks for any help you might have!
I'm relieved you have been able to get through this difficult episode - and of course H. His fascination with fantasy is..... leaving me quite speechless. Spinning seems to say it all. I just hope it affects you less than it used to.
You know what icon would work great here? One giving a big juicy raspberry!
Oh well.