So, after the past month, I feel that I am no longer welcome here. I had a great time on the boards, I got a lot of help when I needed it and I found a great love. But that is all over and coming here hurts more than helps so I'm done.
If anyone wants to keep in touch, my email is listed in my sig below. To all those that have been a great help, thank you. Don't bother replying to this post since I'm not even going to read the boards anymore.
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
Ugh, depression hurts, especially when you start feeling better about yourself and read stuff you wrote when you were down.
Yes, I'm back. I tried to stay away from the boards because some things were too painful and I really didn't feel welcome in the group. But, I realize now that it was my own feelings that were bringing me down and not the boards and comments made there.
So, here I am. I'm getting ready to move and start over. It's been over a year from the bomb drop, almost a year since X left, 9 months since I let go and realized that we weren't the same people when we got married, but still good as friends, 8 months since I fell in love and 1 month since that relationship ended.
I'm heading out on the open road in two weeks. When I get out to the new place, I'm starting a new job, a new place and will finally get some of IC I should have gotten 9 months ago. I'm hoping that the last relationship will grow into a friendship, but I know that, right now, I can't even talk to her without feeling hurt. Hopefully, with time and the above mentioned counseling, that will change.
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
GS: I gave you a harsh post a while back but with no regret. I was trying to help you see that 3 months is not near enough time to heal yourself so you are ready for a new R. I don't take back my words but hope you are starting to see that now.
When our spouses leave, we are in no place to be looking for love, but somehow we feel that it is like a magic bandaid, it will take away all our pain -its an instant cure. But trust me - it is for the short term and if you get too serious too fast - you are only creating new problems for yourself while not dealing with the old ones. They don't go away - we just sweep them under the rug.
I wish you luck with your new venture. Each new day will bring better growth and understanding - remember - we learn best from our mistakes.
You are wise not to leave the bb. The people here have a wealth of information, experience and support to offer. But avoid Rs here - this is a marriage saving bb or a support for moving on - not a dating site.
I hope life gets better for you and you work on yourself before even thinking of bringing someone new into the picture.
Thanks, BD. The only thing that I'll say is that I wasn't looking for love, but it found me nonetheless. And that I never intended to move fast on the relationship since I wanted to make sure that it stayed whole.
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
GS: But it is our own experiences that sometimes leave the deepest print on us and although we listen to advice, sometimes take it - learning for ourselves is usually something we never forget.
Proceed with caution. When something seems too good - it usually is.
I didn't see any of your missing threads, so i have no idea what happened in your X-new-R...
A few thoughts/suggestions...
(1) Almost all Rs fail. That is why dating is required.
(2) Of course it was too early. Of course it has probably been especially painful because a lot of your R was directly/indirectly about your individual failed Ms. This is part of the reason the R is over. It outlasted at least some of its purpose. But try to keep the self-esteem boosts and other positives from the R.
(3) Let the R go. Former lovers seldom make good friends. You don't have to be friends in the future to justify your past R. Either you will both grow in ways that bring you back together or not. Probably not. But hanging onto shreds here is even less helpful in terms of R building than hanging onto shreds of a M.
(4) I'm concerned that you sound like you are still moving to Minnesota. This is a pretty radical change. Is this still something that makes sense for you?
(5) Although you cannot see it right now, you really aren't in any position to assess "the truth" about the R, what it meant, how good/bad it was, how much was love/bandaiding/physical rush, where the fantasy/projection ended and reality began, and so on and so forth. So, don't drive yourself crazy trying to analyze it. Try to put your thoughts about it on a shelf for a year and then think about it.
(6) Any personal/R problems you had in your M will have to be worked out in your personal life and in any future R that lasts. It is shocking how true this is. The problems don't go away, even if you think some were just because of XW, at some point you will find that you have to address them because they still color your actions. Sure, the escape into the new R postponed some of this work. But, it also allowed you to do other parts of this work. Focus on recognizing and retaining those lessons.
(7) Don't own too much of the problems. It was a short, long-distance R. Almost all dating Rs fail as people get more familiar and get to know each other better. The R simply doesn't work out. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault.
In regards to 4): Yes, it does. I really like the area because it reminds me of my hometown before we had a lot of "cityfolk" move in. And the job offer is VERY good and with a company that I honestly want to work for. Career-wise, it's the next logical step for me.
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
Sorry, I really hate to let you down. But the truth is that I don't correspond with or talk to anyone currently on the DB boards, not even the people I post to regularly.
It's a boundary thing. I tend to procrastinate IRL by posting on these boards, I enjoy trying to help people, and hopefully I succeed sometimes. But right now I can't really let the boards into more of my RL. I have a husband, baby, job, new house -- too much on my plate as it is!
You are a wonderful, kind caring man. God certaintly has something wonderful in store for you.