Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[ann25]

ok... so, H was out of town Fri and Sat. I still made my normal calls to him. I made every possible effort to reassure him while he was out.

He doesn't surf, but the friends he went with do, so he spent alot of time sitting on the beach, thinking, taking pictures and playing the game i got him... perfect timing on that. He was gone for a Men's church getaway. A chance for the guys to all get together and share and learn together without all us crazy women around.

My friend asked me how long i was going to let this go on. I told her that as long as he is still willing to try, i'm going to fight my hardest. She thinks i'm crazy, but basically supports me, which is nice. She said i seemed happier lately than before, so something must be going. ok.

H got home on sat night. said that he really missed me. I told him i did too.

H was seriously like a different man. he told me that there was nothing that really stood out in the lessons and nothing that he hadn't already heard before at some point, but something about it did something to my H and had i known, i would have sent him away a loooong time ago.

I had washed the sheets and blankets on our bed sat afternoon, but hadn't made the bed yet when he got there, then we were talking (yes, actually having a conversation). I was sooo tired. I told H that I still had to go make the bed. He just told me to relax. Then he got some blankets and turned our living room into a bed... it was really sweet. We used to do that everyonce in a while. get out a bunch of blankets, watch a movie and just fall asleep there on the floor.

Yesterday, H slept late, but i knew he was tired from the trip, he'd spent lots of hours walking on the sand and in the sun and stuff. The girls were on their worst behavior all day, they have their days like that, thank god not often... H asked me to make him some lunch. He was a little rude about it, not too bad, but it was almost like an order more than a request. I say, yeah, sure. He said, you know what, I can make it. I'm sorry, i didn't need to ask you. i said that i didn't mind. Afterwards he actually thanked me.

Later, he was making a fuss about getting the house done and then he went into his office to check on work (ended up in there for about an hour.) We went to bed. H saw that i was crying and asked why. I told him my back hurt really bad. He rubbed it for me. it was nice.
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i have a habit of apologizing for everything. Whether it's my fault or not, i'm sorry. I think i always have ever since i was young. H has never noticed before. Yesterday he must have told me 3 or 4 times that i don't have to apologize. I think he realized that he makes me feel bad about things that are out of my control. He almost looked shocked that i said it sometimes. I can't really explain it, but the look on his face was like he just heard me for the first time and was surprised.

This morning I sent him an email, asking how he was, how he slept and how his day looked. I normally do this or some variation of it. He's still sleeping or has just gotten up when i leave, so there isn't really a chance to talk. Anyways... I got this in the response : I just wanted to say that ever since our problems you have put up with a lot and I really do appreciate everything you have done. I know I don't say it a lot of the time, but it is nothing personal, I just don't think about it. I really do see the effort you are putting out and that means a lot. I will try to do my part as I don't feel I have been doing as well....sorry. I will try and to be better. Thanks again and I love you. You really are the perfect wife.

so now i'm crying, cause that's probably the nicest thing(hardest thing for him) he's said to me in the last couple years.
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Word of advice to anyone that has actually read this far and has a S that's said the ILYBNILWY... give them a chance to miss you. I couldn't be more serious. I've spent every moment either working, driving or with H in the last 4-5 months. He left for 2 days and I actually missed him. I haven't felt that in a very long time. I'm not in love with him, but it makes me think it'll happen when i start feeling things i haven't felt in a long time.

Let them realize what they could be losing. I think that's really important.

[blindsided1]

I'm jumping up and down for you, Ann. That was a really sweet thing for your H to say. I'm sure it made your day. I can only hope and pray that my H feels that way for me, again. That he appreciates me and loves me. I am apart from him, sometimes without contact for days, it never seems to matter. He never seems to miss me. I envy you. Good luck and I hope you have a great day.

[ann25]

thanks bilndsided... I was thrilled. I was waiting for something else cause H just doesn't say things like that to me. I'm not sure what they all talked about while they were gone, but it seems like he really needed it. I'm hopeful. I'm really trying not to expect anything to come of this, but i can't help but be hopeful. A lot of the girls in our church that i'm close with know about our R and i'm sure that gets realyed to their Hs. So maybe one of them talked to him... i don't really care.

i kinda feel like i fit into a very strange spot on this BB. It's like i was almost a WAW, i told him ILYBNILWY, He asked me for D and decided we'd be living in opposite sides of the house, so i felt like he was a WAH. Then i had an EA. Then he wanted to get back together and I just couldn't get back into it and then he wouldn't try... all the while i went from waaay HD to waaay LD and he went from LD to HD or at least a little higher than before. It's crazy... Anyways... i feel like i can relate to lots of bits and peices. One thing i will tell you though, is that if H had said he wanted to work on it before the EA, i probably would have been thrilled, but nothing would have gotten fixed. If he had done it during the begining of EA, i probably wouldn't have wanted to. Because we waited 6 months before even trying and we are about 9 months since i told him ILYBNILWY now, it gave us (at least me) time to figure out what i was doing wrong. It made me really look at myself.

Give it time. Be patient, i'm sure you've heard the saying "good things come to those who wait"...

[SameButDifferent]

Wow Ann, what a great few days!

Please remember not to push/pull too hard and end up backsliding - just keep doin' what works!!!

You're rockin!

[blindsided1]

How's today going? Did the rest of your day/night go well, too?

[ann25]

I sent H a few flirty text messages. I used to do that, so i was thinking he'd like that. Also, it was kinda my subliminal way of letting him know that his changes didn't go unnoticed...

One of the things i have always wanted is to sit at the table, TV off and eat dinner as a family. H prefers to eat on the couch in front of the TV and watch whatever. This has never been a source of arguement, but it is something that i've said I'd like. We did that when i grew up and I loved those times.

I got home last night and the kitchen table was cleared and set. plates, silverware, napkins... i cooked dinner and he got drinks and got the girls to the table. WOW. We all talked (the baby tried and we all got a good laugh. hehe) It was really nice. H told the girls and me by default, that this was how we'd be eating dinner now most nights. I was really happy.

Evening went well. Watched a movie together... peaceful relaxing. Read a book in bed while H finished a movie on his PSP that i didn't care to see.

and now for the portion of the evening that always seems to cause problems...

H has reverted to almost turning his requests into a joke in the bedroom and at other various times... "hey, give me some sugar, sugar" Why do i feel like that is a bad line from a cheesy bar seen in a movie... blah. Anyways. I get over that, no biggie, just laugh it off since he's using some odd voice that just sounded wrong.

K - pregnant women's breasts are more sensitive than they normally are. Maybe not all, but me and at least some of the women I've talked to. H did something, don't know for sure and it hurt a bit. I asked him to be careful... oops.

H: i didn't even hurt you.
M: it hurt just a little bit, so i asked you to be careful
H: i hardly touched you
M: i know, it's just really sensitive
H: you always say the same thing
M: that's cause you keep doing it an it hurts.

H rolls over and pouts... *mental eyeroll* anyways. A bit later, i initiated with him and things went fine til I didn't have an O, not a big deal, doesn't happen that often anyways. For some reason H got all bent out of shape about feeling bad cause i didn't. I told H I've always enjoyed sex just for the act itself and reminded him about my back ache. (I don't if i'm in pain. I was, so... duh) anyways... H calmed down and i went to sleep. H watched some tv...

Wasn't terrible, except i'm finding myself unable to get past the ickiness of all the nice stuff (kissing, holding, rubbing, grabbing etc...) seems like i'm ok w/ the sex itself, i just have to get past the foreplay part, which is/was in my opinion a really important part... you know...all that stuff that takes it from sex to ML.

[SameButDifferent]

Ann,

Just a thought; Intimacy (not sex, but all the 'other stuff' as you put it) is more emotional than physical.

I've read your sitch, but am unfamiliar with the timetable. I get the impression that it's not LSD as much as LI(intimacy)D.

You've mentioned that you've 'had practice' at this pregnancy thing, have you experienced this before and maybe not noticed it as different than SD?

I realize most of us are hyper-sensitive emotionally, just because of the sitc we find ourselves in, and I'm probably grasping at straws, but your mention of being physically sensitive has me wondering if there's something hormonal that's complicating this for you. Maybe you're 'emotionally' sensitive (related to pregnancy, not R) too?

[ann25]

Hi SBD

I appreciate the insight...

Just a thought; Intimacy (not sex, but all the 'other stuff' as you put it) is more emotional than physical.I've read your sitch, but am unfamiliar with the timetable. I get the impression that it's not LSD as much as LI(intimacy)D.

yeah. I'm thinking the same thing. I enjoy the physical act of sex. I think (thank you Dom) that i'm able to have sex because it's just physical and I leave out all the emotional connection. It's probably some sort of mental thing that i did to help me get through when I couldn't get into the sex part.

You've mentioned that you've 'had practice' at this pregnancy thing, have you experienced this before and maybe not noticed it as different than SD?

Acutally, I've been even more sexually and emotionally connected during my 3 other pregnancies than when i'm not pregnant.

I realize most of us are hyper-sensitive emotionally, just because of the sitc we find ourselves in, and I'm probably grasping at straws, but your mention of being physically sensitive has me wondering if there's something hormonal that's complicating this for you. Maybe you're 'emotionally' sensitive (related to pregnancy, not R) too?

I don't know. this pregnancy could be different. It could be a combination of where I am. Maybe the hormones amplify the feelings that i currently have. When i was happy and in love and emotionally connected, I became more-so, but now that I'm not, maybe it's causing me to feel more of the same... I don't know. I do know that I did have the same skin sensitivity during the previous pregnancies. It's not that he can't touch me, it's just a certain way (and he knows what it is). Also, i know that the lack of attraction, desire and emotions started before i got pregnant.

[blindsided1]

Just my 2 cents, but about the O's you aren't having. I have that issue sometimes, more often than not. H use to get really bummed because it's an ego thing. One word "toys". Sorry if that disturbs any of you. But, there is more than one type of O and I sometimes need a little extra attention in a on the outside. The act of intercourse is great, but it helped to let H "finish me off". And, it helped both of us: his ego, my satisfaction. I know, I know, too much information. Thank goodness we don't use real names here.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi Ann,

Thanks for the nice tip: give your spouse a chance to miss you. As I reflected on that statement, I remember that some of the best progress in my M and DB efforts has been after some period of being apart. I often think that my W just takes me for granted and I am just the cash-cow that pays the bills and finances her lifestyle. The more I try to talk to her, the less inclinded she is to listen.

It is a strange sitch, as usually the W wants to talk and H does not want to listen. However, as her A continues, I become more disengaged, albeit angry and resentful. I know the last two are negative feelings. I do hope to shake out of these feelings sooner than later as they are toxic.

Good luck with your H. Perhaps he is starting to come around (mentally) as well.

Best,
--Chris