Searching for the Path with Heart

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey SD,

Indeed, spin and spin and create the whirl wind. At least she is close enough where you can monitor the damage and take preventative measures where necessary. This also limits the exposure to your children, so you are in a good spot.

Yes, it is unfair. Yes, it hampers your life life. Yes, it puts unnecessary overhead on you. Your path is as it was meant to be so try not to reflect on the negatives. Rejoice in the positives and know that one day soon the world will turn your way.

Best,
--Chris

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
I have been maintaining my mental break from the sitch and focusing on my other goals. This seems to work for the most part, esp. since I have been really busy with work, training, and the kids all week.

Still recovering from being sick 2 wks. ago, but really only notice it in my workouts, so nearly 100% recovered. I ordered aerobars for my bike and a tri-wetsuit, so I will be ready for the spring tri season. I plan to do one in March and then the big spring race in Tampa at the end of April. Need to find about 4 more hours per week for training, but this should get easier with the longer days that are coming.

I am also getting ready for my 2 week overseas business trip. Will miss the kids, but could be good to help me on my mental break from the sitch. Also got some cold weather workout gear, a Yoga for Athletes DVD and Spanish language CD-ROMs, so I will get to work on some of my goals during the trip!

One serious downer is that FIL has been in the hospital for several days. W told me today that she will go to TX to visit him for 4 or 5 days when I return from my business trip. She is worried that he won't make it too much longer. Pretty sure she will also take a side trip to see OM as well, whatever.

One other sitch related point: W makes a list of stuff she wants me to reimburse her for, mostly small stuff for the kids, but occasionally stuff for her (doctor's bill, prescription, etc.) This time, she also added some software for her computer (related to the work she is doing at home). Mind you, she never says a word about this, just writes it down. Generally, I leave cash and don't say a word either. However, this seems like a good place to start with the "stick" to get her to accept some responsiblity for her own life.

On the other hand, I was looking at my taxes and my taxes would be WAY higher if I were filing as single instead of "married filing jointly". It seems like it is cheaper to just give in on the small stuff for the time being anyway!

Again, doesn't really seem all that important right now, just keep doing my own thing and eventually she will want to move on.

SD

[fb2]

SD, It seems like there's not a lot of conflict and confrontation your W despite her living in the same household, interacting with the kids, etc. I'm just wondering how this is possible at all without things getting quite dysfunctional?

[SuperDad]

SD, It seems like there's not a lot of conflict and confrontation your W despite her living in the same household, interacting with the kids, etc. I'm just wondering how this is possible at all without things getting quite dysfunctional?

Funny you should ask, I was talking to a friend today who is having his own M problems. He asked the same question. My response:

I just think of her as my teenaged daughter.

It really isn't all that different, being in MLC than being a teenager, so it isn't that hard to think of it that way.

I am focused on my goals and these don't have anything to do with her (other than to slowly pushing her towards independence from me, much like a teenager).

Also, I have completely separated finances and she lives in the guest room. So interaction basically revolves around the kids and when she wants something from me.

That's it. I would say totally bizarre, but functional. She is not ready to face the Big D and I am not ready to force her hand, at least not in a way that will hurt my kids, so here we are.

Gonna be on a long road trip for the next two weeks, so probably only minimal posting.

Take care, SD

[SuperDad]

Oh yeah, one more funny thing.

My new tri-wetsuit arrived today. When I got home from work, I put it on and jumped in the pool (about 62 deg.). W came out and looked at me like I was from Mars and said "What the He!! are you doing?!" I gave her a 1/2 crazy grin and said "Tryin' out my new wetsuit!"

She just shook her head and walked off. I think she thinks I am having a MLC. I love it!

Can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees all of the other cool tri stuff I ordered which will come when I am out of town!

Another great thing was that after she came out, S6 and S8 figured out I was in the pool and joined me (sans wetsuits...brrrrr!). Totally fun evening.

SD

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Well, I made it 1/2 way through my trip. Last week was a lot of fun since we were in a group of about 60 together in one hotel. A lot of work, but also a lot of fun. Had a great weekend with friends, did some sightseeing and a lot of eating! They know all about the sitch and were really astonished at how done I am. I called the kids on Sat. and when they weren't there, I just told W I would call back later.

I am so used to the sitch, that it surprised me when the H told me that I was being rude to W since I did not tell her what we were doing or ask how she was. I guess it's just one more sign of how done I am.

This leads to my conundrum. I got a call today from a neighbor. A group is going dancing for one of his W's birthday. These are all common friends of mine and W, but I have been spending a lot more time with them of late than W. Anyway, he called to ask me to go with them. Mind you, W is home and they called from his back porch, about 50 feet from ours. I asked if W was invited. He said, you can bring her or anyone you want!

The conundrum is, do I
1. Ask W if she wants to go, even though I really would rather go alone or with someone else?
2. Tell her I am going out with them, but that I don't want her to come?
3. Not go to just avoid the whole drama?

Not at all clear which one will bring me closer to my goals. I can't see how 3. will help anything, esp. as we always avoided conflict to the extreme throughout our M.

Love to here any comments. Goal of relevance at this point is:

Bring this chapter of my life to a close (amicably) by W accepting that D is the right thing to do.

SD

[qoe100]

How about a version of #2?

Tell W you are going, don't invite her along. If she asks if she can go, say "no." Hopefully, she won't ask and you'll be somewhat off the hook.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi SD, All,

My vote is to just go and tell W nothing. If she aks, then tell her (make sure to tell her you don't want her along). Other than that, make sure she can watch the kids and you go out with your friends and have fun. You don't have to report your whereabouts to her, she has created that environment.

Best,
--Chris

[merrick]

My gut says call an escort service, but that won't look good if you get to court.

In all honesty, don't debate it, just do whatever whatever you want to do. If you want to go alone, just do it. If not, don't. If you do go and like it, stay; if you don't leave. The chips will not ultimately fall one way or the other based on this event.

[sofaraway]

Ummm SD, how about leaving it to fate... Go alone and see who God chooses to put there for you to dance with.... you never know who you may meet.... do you?



Ian