I wonder if this is a big part of many women's sex drive "mysteriously" vanishing after the kids are born... knowing that he'll fall in line and take an awful lot of crap because they both know she can probably take his kids away any time she feels like it
I think this is more men's perception than women's thought process. How many times have I heard men on here basically say "I can't leave because she will take the kids." That is F-ed up. As a mother, I would never want to take their father away from them...especialy for spite. And if you are with a woman now that would truly do that to you in a D (if she even could, but that's another issue), than you have bigger problems than a SSM.
I'm not a parent, but I was going to comment on this, too. Do mothers/wives REALLY deliberately take the kids away and make it difficult/impossible for the dad to see them in ordinary non-tabloid divorces? Presumably a mentally sane mother would realize the benefit of her mentally sane husband maintaining a R with the kids (not to mention the break it would give her from them).
As a mother, I would never want to take their father away from them...especialy for spite. And if you are with a woman now that would truly do that to you in a D (if she even could, but that's another issue), than you have bigger problems than a SSM.
Do mothers/wives REALLY deliberately take the kids away and make it difficult/impossible for the dad to see them in ordinary non-tabloid divorces?
In a divorce that is truly "amicable," the couple come to an agreement about custody. I'm not sure what you mean by "non-tabloid." My ex still has her moments when she makes it difficult for me to spend time with my kids, but fortunately, those moments are becoming quite rare.
I don't know what Ms.Hdog would do, but I'm kind of a "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" kind of guy after dealing with my ex.
It is posted here like it is such a foregone conclusion that the wife will get custody and be able to limit access to kids down to every other weekend.
Now maybe it is much different from state to state but am I the rarity to have recieved 50% legal and 50% physical custody of my two minor children? Now 16 and 10.
I think it would be a very good idea to go and pay for an initial consultation with an attorney just so you have a better sense then by going on just your gut.
By "non-tabloid" I meant divorces between ordinary people such as those we work with, go to school with, etc., whose lives are not likely to be read about in the supermarket checkout line.
Hairdog, you seem to have a knack for picking mean, vindictive women. I can very much see your W acting this way, should she become an "ex." I can't even begin to understand how a parent can justify this to themselves, short of protecting children from an abusive parent.
Surely, this desire to hurt the other parent by hurting the children is not typical of divorce? I know it happens... but geez...
You are going to have to make hard choices. And I don't blame you at all for not wanting to make that choice. I would do everything possible to avoid making that choice but ultimately it comes down to what your W wants to do.
Looking back, I don't feel like I was not making a choice. I made a choice to tolerate a bad marriage and lack of sex so that I could keep the family together. I just can't choose that way any more. Life is too short.
I could feel the resentment tearing me up. I got to mid-life, and when I looked in the mirror, I saw my father. He has always had a baseline level of simmering anger that would cause people to walk on eggshells around him. It took me many years to make sense of it: it seemed like it took so little to make him angry, and he gets angry over the smallest things. He and Mom frequently bicker over the same unspoken conflict they have been having for as long as I can remember. I won't become that kind of person. And I do not want my family to have to suffer that kind of marriage.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Another "trick" is to try to stop thinking about the past 10 years. Leave them in the past and focus on your future with your wife. Keep focused on what you want to have with her rather than on what you "don't" want to have. Try to look for all the positives in her and figure a way to share those positives with her in a way that allows her to feel good.
Yes, this is the place I am right now. I have been pretty successful at letting go of resentment and opening my heart to my wife. This is a pretty big turnaround for me, since I have spent a lot of emotional energy on protecting myself emotionally. Something that has really helped me is something I picked up in my meditation practice called lovingkindness meditation. I have found this to be really helpful in cultivating the ability to forgive. Both my wife and myself.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
The really messed up part is that holding the upper hand over you really diminishes her attraction toward you. I wonder if this is a big part of many women's sex drive "mysteriously" vanishing after the kids are born... knowing that he'll fall in line and take an awful lot of crap because they both know she can probably take his kids away any time she feels like it, and her possession of the upper hand kills her attraction and respect.
It isn't just kids that tend to do this. Marital dynamics in general set up the feeling of ownership of the Other. It is a license to take the Other for granted. I'm as guilty of this as anyone else. I'm not knocking marriage, just this issue in general. It makes me think that the sentimental expression "loving you forever" is just a bad move. There is a certain amount of positive will that married partners need to exert in order to keep love alive.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
How many times have I heard men on here basically say "I can't leave because she will take the kids." That is F-ed up. As a mother, I would never want to take their father away from them...especialy for spite. And if you are with a woman now that would truly do that to you in a D (if she even could, but that's another issue), than you have bigger problems than a SSM.
LFL
Let's look at it from my wife's perspective. She is a SAHM, who has told me on numerous occasions that the kids are her life. So, if I were to initiate a divorce and tried to get joint custody with 50% visitation, my wife would perceive me as trying to take the kids away from her.
I don't think she would fight me out of spite. She would fight me on the basis (and genuine belief) that the children would be better off with her the majority of the time. And since she has been a SAHM and has had a much stronger connection to the children, she could probably make an argument stick for a lopsided visitation schedule in her favor.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
