I cannot say that my life is better than it has been in years. In fact, it is worse than at any other time in my life (except the last year of despair, desperation and agony). I burned all of my 2007 calendars.
I think that is a major reason why this has been so hard for me to process--I was honestly happy and content, felt very deeply blessed, if not too busy sometimes, in my life before the bomb. This life, now, still feels like a nightmare--one that I have to learn to live with.
donna, it is hard and it does suck, but our alternative is worse, really. since we can't control our spouses behavior, we are left with no other choice than to accept it and move on. doesn't mean that we have to become a part of it, but we have to accept that it is who they are. then we are left with the pieces...in our case, the unfairness of losing time with our children. that to me just stinks, and is sooo hard, because as parents we should have our children all the time, in our book. but that's not the way it is. and I suppose we just have to be grateful that our kids have fathers who want to spend time with them.
as for accepting the rest of it, well, again, no other choice. holding on to the anger/resentment/hurt only drags us down. have you seen Wicked? I love the song, Defying Gravity. I think it says it all...we have to figure out how to do that, defy that which is keeping us down. it means letting go of stuff we may not want to let go of, but if we want to move forward, and grow, and have a happy life, we have no other option. there is no going back...there is only moving forward or standing still. and standing still gets us nowhere.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
My biggest struggle is that my kids seem to be accepting it all as the norm. All they know is that dad is nicer to them and more interested in them than he was when we were together. SO as much as they know what he did was wrong, they finally have the dad they wanted. ANd that hurts. I still don't understand why he couldn't be that person when we were together. Why he was so willing ot become someone else to win her over, but wouldn't lift a finger for our family. And I wonder too if it was me. Was I so horrible that he had no other choice? I know I wasn't perfect, and I know I contributed to the failure of the marriage, but I also know that I would NEVER have walked away and I would have done whatever it took to make it right. Did I deserve so much less?
a big fat YES to all of this.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Thanks, Sally. Yes, acceptence. I think that is why I am looking at it as a death--no other choice.
On another note, had an unexpected talk with S tonight. He is still struggling in school. He actually came home early with a stomach ache on Fri. As he was working on a math project, he started to get upset. So, I waited for it (it is so hard for him to talk about these things--damn his dad for giving him that trait).
Seems he got in trouble during a group project in writing (his worse subject). The other two kids wouldn't listen to his suggestions, which was making him very frustrated and angry. The teacher laced into him for not participating. We got into the control issues, rigid thinking, etc., that he and I both have struggled with. God, I hope that I can help him through this now, while he is young. He is also very resistant to help. He knows that he could have gone to the guidance counselor at school--they know the sitch and would have helped him. He doesn't even want to go to see his IC anymore. He told me tonight that he just doesn't want to think about it. (Um, that's why my life is such a mess) The Control & Denial is so apparent. I showed him the Serenity Prayer--he said he's read it. (It is on the wall in my dining room). I broke it down and told him what it means, and that I have walked in his shoes for most of my life; that I am just learning how to change that about myself, now. How lucky is he that he can take care of this while he is so young, to know that peace....he seemed open to it, and then we called it a night. Lots of info, and I think he feels a bit better about at least turning to others for help, changing what he can and letting go of the rest.
During the convo, I asked him if he thought he could stop his dad and I from getting divorced. He was very quiet for a long time. (Alarm bells). Then, he said he could try tricking and other stuff......gave me the opportunity to tell him that he can't, that he didn't cause it, and that he can't do ANYthing to change it. Pointed to the Prayer, then. And that it was a lesson that I struggled to get, myself, this past year. But that we can learn to have serenity in our lives--it is a skill, and we can learn it.
Dear God, I hope that I can share this lesson that I am learning, through so much pain, with my son so that he may never have to walk this path that I have found myself on.
You are obsessing again. Yes, you are obsessing about STBX. You are obsessing about mile long DB posts you've read over and over again looking for the magic bullit. It does not exist.
As for your resentment of STBX's world not totally falling apart around him, people have affairs and make all sorts of other poor choices in their lives all the time. Their loved ones stick by them and accept them with their faults. No one is perfect. We have all done things to be ashamed about. The more you obsess about STBX the more your world view collapses into an egocentric spoiled child temper tantrum peephole.
Neither you nor STBX could grow in your M because it was very sickly enmeshed. There was not room for you to be different people in that M. It was not a healthy M. Nor, I think, will you look back from a healthy place and still believe it was a happy M. You were both locked into very narrow places to keep the enmeshment working. Now you are obsessing to keep the enmeshment working, just in a different way. But you are still making everything about STBX about you. You are still making your being contingent on him. You are still using him to feel whole.
Quit dismissing what STBX tells you. He did try his best. Just assume for awhile that he is correct about what he wants and needs to have a happy life in which he can be a good father for his children. Given the improvements you suggest he has made in terms of fatherhood, he seems to be doing OK on that score.
I'm concerned about you roping in your kids and projecting your problems onto them. I'm concerned about your anger/resentment toward them for not being wrecks/not hating their father. This will damage your children. I hope you make this a priority to cover with IC. You are setting them up to have to be traumatized/at odds with their father to love you properly. You are setting them up to be codependent with you. You are making their emotions about you. This is not good for them or for you.
Time to stop this latest indulgence. Call your sponsor.
I'm not sure why you think I am obsessing about stbxh--is it the time frame, how long it took me to get to the acceptence part? Because I really have--I know that there are no magic bullets. And I also know that there isn't a thing I can do or say to change what is happening. I haven't gone back through "mile-long posts" to look for answers that aren't there--I may be reiterating some things that I have absorbed, but I couldn't point them out to you.
Even the Scarlet Letter reference.....not sure if it is resentment; feels more like a lament. You know, "Too bad that x wasn't part of the picture, maybe things would have been different" kind of thing--but knowing that x ISN'T part of the picture at the same time--nothing you can do about it. I'm not angry at anyone for not putting more pressure on H--it just is what it is. I was wondering aloud how I myself, would have handled a similar sitch, not passing judgement on what they did, personally. More of a search for understanding; I know that I come at the world from a slightly different perspective, and I am trying to see things in a healthier way.
I am taking H at his word at this point. I have nothing else to go on, since I haven't been part of his life in over five months. I do believe that if both of us had put forth the desire and effort to change our marriage for the better, and ourselves, if we had worked together at all, that we had a much better chance at making it. He did all his trying alone, in his own head with no outside perspectives (save maybe one, who had no vested interest in our success), and made his choices in secret, before I even was aware that there were major problems. Yeah, I'm a little pissed off about that--but it is what it is. I got to the fight after the bell rang, and now its all in the past; nothing I can do about it.
Who I am is not contigent on H. I feel whole (I didn't always, that is true) and deserving of love and happiness in my life. But, OT, I don't think that I am all that wrong for missing a partner in my life. It is a sad thought that what I believed I had wasn't as real or as reciprical as I had felt. But it doesn't make me miss that feeling any less. And the logistics of going from two people working together to only one is real--it is harder to get everything done. I miss the help, having someone to count on. I am trying very hard to not put too much onto the kids--that's just not fair. But they do have to help more, just to keep the household running.
I do not hold any resentment or anger towards my kids AT ALL about them loving and accepting their father--I am actually glad for it! My D, especially, seems to have found a way to make sense of this for herself. I strongly believe that they need both of us in their lives (which is another reason I tried to save the M). I have been the one concerned about what impact the affair could have on their relationships with him--I hope that this info doesn't come to light (although I am sure that it will, eventually)--but it won't come from me. On the other hand, I have read the long-term affects of D on kids, and I hope that I can help lessen the impact where I can.
My S has had rigid thinking since he was a toddler--he was in therapy for a short while back when he was 4. His clothes had to be a certain way (tie and retie shoes 40 times before they would "feel" right, jeans on a 95 degree day, etc), very low tolerance for frustration, etc. He has been labeled bossy by the other kids, off and on. In short, I feel like some of it is just his personality, but other parts seem to stem from the same control/denial dynamic that runs through ACOA families. I am not projecting--these were his complaints to me. I just want to steer him to the help that I never had when I was young, to not shut that out. He has access to a guidance counselor at school, he has an IC--I just want him to be open to using those resources. Hell, I'm still trying to figure out my own thinking--I can listen to him and validate, but I'm counting on the profs to give him some of the tools to deal with his.
I hope that you are trying to provide a foil for me to sharpen my thinking; I really do feel like I am learning, growing and getting healthier. I can feel that. But at the same time, I'm going to get down sometimes. I will miss him. I will miss the life I had. For whatever labels and dysfunctional enmeshment it may have carried, I did experience happiness and love in my 21 years with that man. It breaks my heart to think that he grew unhappy in it, and didn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me and was avoiding conflict. But there is nothing anyone can do about that. I can only learn from my mistakes and move on. Just as he already has. It all could have been different--but this is how it is.
I have finally been able to get behind how much I love him--enough to let him go. I will try my best to meet the future with grace, dignity and strength, watching out for the children's and my interests, and grant him the divorce he wants with no games.
Thank you for responding. Yesterday, I was with my children, just me and them and we had a great time together for 4 hours or so. We were at a place where there are a lot of shops. Most of the time we spend in the game room at Dinggleberry's in Lahaska, PA. For over an hour, we spend time at the Mountain shooting nerf balls at other people, and everyone there was laughing.
I then picked up a bottle of wine for my wife and gave it to her just to show that I was thinking about her.
Leaving the Retrovaille information around will not accomplish anything other then my wife sees and then she puts it in the trash can.
After I posted last, I heard the song Separate Ways by Journey. No one can tell with 100% guarentee whether H and I will ever reconcile, either before or after D. But I know what I am dealing with, now, and that is the reality of today. I still have so much work I have to do for me--so much to learn as a single woman. I just hope that he is happy, and that she treats him well.
Now, to me. My head aches--not enough sleep. The kids have been good here at school, at least. It feels good to be here, even with the tough kids. I am plugging along, and stretching to develop deeper, more enriched lessons.
I am getting the compartmentalizing thing--school is for school, so I concentrate on that. I let myself take a 5--10 min break to do what moves me twice a day while at school.
The drive home will mark the transition to home and kid life. Any after-school activities? Homework? Playdates? Scout meetings to plan? Dinner, housework, errands & shopping, bills, pack for the next day, grad school.... Therapy for me, for the kids, DBT group, AlAnon.... Friends, family, phone calls, getting out for some GAL, exercise, reading, play....(when?!?)
