Recreating trust for my H after EA?

[ann25]

Hey all -

I'm just looking for some advice and was recommended to try this forum, since i suppose this is really where i belong...

you can read my whole sitch (link is in signature below), but here are some of the details. about 2 1/2 years into our M, my H changed. Not sure what happened, but slowly over the course of a couple months he became jealous, demanding, disrespectful and insulting. He was always a little like that, but over this time it got progressively worse. I told him ILYBINILWY. That's how i felt/feel. after a little while, he told me he wanted a Divorce if i couldn't be 100% sure that our M would go back to what it was. I was hurt and scared andi wasn't sure. He said fine, he didn't want to be M anymore. he started staying in his office every night and I in the bedroom, but otherwise, we just bumped around each other like roommates til we figured out exactly how it would all play out. One thing he was firm on was the D.

a couple/few months later(timetable is slightly warped in my head right now) i began a friendship which turned into an EA online. it ended 3 months later when he found out and read everything we had talked about. He decided that he wanted to give it another chance, so I said that I wanted that too.

So now here we are, i'm not in love with or attracted to my H and he doesn't trust me. I've got a feeling he's not going to be able to give me the effort and changes that i need to see in him to make the M work until he can trust me again, so I just need advice on what i can do for him.

thanks.

[Michael Mc C]

There are some folks here that should be able to give you some recommendations - I think there are a few here who are at the same place you are. My W and I are not there.

If you have both decided to try to get your M back on track, or on track for the first time, I think you have an advantage over many of us here. Not having gone myself, I would recommend M Counseling as a start. Individual Counseling may also be a good idea for the two of you to work out anger/attraction/trust issues.

Wish I had more to offer but I'm sure the group here will be able to add to this.

[ann25]

thanks. I think we're both on the same page with rebuilding this M. Not sure how much work he's willing to put into it. He's certainly not ready to see another MC, but I'll keep asking periodically. I've seen a IC a couple times. I think she's helping me, but I kinda feel like I'm the only one trying to fix this, so that makes it hard.!

[RedHeadWife]

Ann, what I'm hearing from you though is that "I still don't love him" -- then why are you *willing* to work on your M? You need to work on YOU and what YOU are going to do to *choose* to love him again. I don't see anything positive in your post at all. You say you don't love him anymore and you don't know if he is going to be able to *do* what you may need him to do to fix the M.

Honestly, I think you need to look long & hard at yourself and figure out if you even want this M. If you do, then you need to again look long & hard at YOURSELF and figure out what YOU can do to make things better. If you are constantly looking to your H to make the M better/work again, it probably isn't going to happen. You will constantly be *judging* how well he is doing at making things better for YOU, etc.

As far as the trust issue goes for your H, it takes time and your actions are going to be what helps him. From reading all of your posts, it just doesn't sound to me like you are probably giving him any reason to trust you again.

I'm not honestly going off on you or bashing you, but this is just what I am seeing/hearing from you.

[Michael Mc C]

I initially replied to this a few minutes ago but realized I was looking at it from the wrong perspective so I have since deleted that post. Instead of trying to trust your H again, you want him to be able to trust you, is that correct?

Either way, the level of commitment will be very important to any formation of trust. If you want him to trust you again you need to understand what it is that broke the trust in the first place. In my case I lost trust in my wife not because she had (has) and EA but because although things seemed fine, and because when talking about our M she claimed she was happy, it turns out that it was all deceipt. I know that part of this is the nature of an online affair (not sure if all EA's are the same) but she felt that she wasn't crossing any lines - until the day she truly fell into it.

You and your H need to understand why he changed. Did he change or did he change based on changes in your behavior? Was his becoming distant as a result of something you had done, intentionally or unintentionally? These are questions I feel you need to get to the bottom of. Why after such a short period of time did things fall apart?

I agree that you need to decide whether or not you want this marriage and whether or not you really think it can work out to both your benefit.

[ann25]

Hi RedHeadWife. ok wow. I'm not sure if you read just what i've posted here or if you read what i had on the newcomers page as well.

1 - i wouldn't be here if i didn't want my M to work. if i somehow was not clear on that. I'm sorry. I do want my M. I do want to spend the rest of my life with my H

2 - 180s for me - a)being more direct about how i'm feeling rather than trying to avoid the subject, I approach it directly. b) doing more that he needs from me (sex and other sexual things) rather than witholding that from him because I don't want to. I'm doing it for him because I know it will make him happy. c) addressing issues as they arise (kinda like the first one) rather than bottling up and then later being upset by what has happened. d) (in progress) learing and understanding how my husband feels so I can be sure that I'm giving him what he needs.

3 - in regards to what my husband is or is not doing: i don't expect much from him. It's just hard when he says all he wants to do is make me happy and make our R work and then doesn't actually do anything. I'm getting a whole lotta talk and not a whole lotta action. I know that it is probably hard for him to give me much of what i need until he trusts me again.

4 - not giving him any reason to trust me? I don't think you have read my post. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding, who knows. I don't use the computer, he has complete access to my cell phone and email account and accesses both frequently. I don't leave the room to make phone calls anymore. I call him 4 times a day when I am at work (he's asked for this) so he can know what I'm doing. I go to work and come straight home. I don't go out with girlfriends often and I spend my time home with my family. not sure what reason's i'm giving him not to trust me.

I don't mean to sound defensive, but it's probably going to come across that way.

Hi Michael Mc C - Yes, I want him to trust me again. Not really sure what changed in my husband. He asked me for a Divorce in april and in June i had an EA. I know he had trust issues before that (during the year before) as he was accusing me of having an affair or wanting someone else or talking to someone else...etc (you name it, i got accused of it) The year prior to where he asked for a D was a really hard year. If it was something that I did unintentionally, i'm not sure of what it is. Pretty much everytime I've tried to find out, I'm bringing up the past and I'm trying to defend my EA. I'm not, but he can't see that. He's hurting. I know that. I don't know how to find out what happened that caused his change in behavior. I don't think it was anything I did, but I don't really know. I don't know why else he would have reacted towards me the way he did.

my best guess would be the stress of so many changes in our life (marriage, miscarriage, buying a home, baby #1, baby #2) and him having to grow up all of the sudden. As I started asking him for more help with our children and the home, he was getting more angry, upset and distant. I don't know if that was the cause, or if they were just happening at the same time, but things got bad fast. After about a year /year and a half of that. I stopped dancing around it and told him how i was feeling. i had always tried, but he never got it before.

Things started going bad a couple years ago. They had never been perfect, but they were better and we were happy. We've been together for 10 years (almost) I know that's not a long time for some people here, but for me, thats over a 1/3 of my life. Not something I'm eager to just toss aside because it's a lot of work or this might be hard. M is a lot of work. I know that... it's why i'm here.

[RedHeadWife]

I told him ILYBINILWY. That's how i felt/feel.

So now here we are, i'm not in love with or attracted to my H and he doesn't trust me. I

This is where I got that from -- you are STILL saying you don't love your H. Bottom line. I figure it this way -- if you truly want your M to work out, then you need to figure out how to *get past* this mindset or, IMHO, whatever you are doing or think you are doing, your true feelings are probably still showing or coming out in the way you act toward your H.

I also remember responding to you over on Newcomers. What I told you over there still stands: that being, if you truly want your M, which you say you do, be careful of your actions/feelings or you may end up with a WAS in the long run anyway.

Who knows maybe I'M being defensive, as the tables are turned in our sitches, however, it just seems to me that you keep saying 2 totally different things and I bet anything that your actions at home are projecting that -- #1 I want my M and that's why I'm here, but on the other hand #2 I don't love my husband -- I didn't back then and I still don't now.

I'm not actually talking about the cell phone/computer, etc. as far as why your H should be trusting of you. I'm talking about LOVING HIM AGAIN for real -- he will feel that and that is when his trust will begin to come back.

Again, this is JUST my opinion. I could be full of crap, but this is just what I am seeing in your sitch from the outside and from what I have read here from you.

[ann25]

ok... I get more what you mean now.

I love my husband as a person and a friend. I am not physically attracted to nor do i feel emotionally connected to him right now. Some people I've talked to say that it is a decision to be in love. That I can choose if i want to, to be in love with my husband. some say that throughout M, when there are difficult times that people may feel that way and in time after the problems are resolved, that those feeling will come back. I've talked to others still that think once you lose those feelings, they are just gone.

I think you can choose to love someone. I think that you can choose to accept who they are as a person, the good and the bad, and choose to love them. I don't personally feel like you can make yourself feel emotionally connected. I guess for me, that was the difference between loving him and being in love with him. I always used to think about him during the day, just look forward to spending time with him, doing little things for him, seeing him smile. To me, those are the little things that being in love comes with. that doesn't mean i have some false expectations of what a M should be or that I have any expectations of him. None of those feelings required him doing anything. I just had them. I'm interested in your opinion on this.

I reread your post to me originally on my other thread. and then your original post here at db. I think that our situations are quite different. I was the one telling my husband that he wasn't doing enough for me and that he was the one that took me for granted and didn't help enough and all I've tried to do is hold everything together. everytime I tried to talk to him about it he'd get upset and end up yelling. I told him ILYBINILWY. Shortly after that he wanted a Divorce cause i couldn't guarantee him 100% confidence in our M at that time. When you posted to me, you made it sound like you and I were in the same shoes. Like i needed to do more for him before he leaves me, but I think based on the stories, i identify more with your H. I was hurt and felt mistreated, I almost walked away.

I want my M, I love my H, but I am not in love with him. The effort i put in at home is definately different than you see me writing here because here, I can say that I'm upset he isn't willing to talk about what started everything. Here i can whine a little and vent and journal. At home, I have to be a loving wife. I get home and cook him dinner, take care of the kids and we spend the evening doing what he wants. I don't know how to go about LOVING HIM AGAIN for real. I think we both need to make changes. I can tell you he's not the same man that i fell in love with and he doesn't even have some of those qualities i love so much. So now, i'm learning to be in love with this new man that I feel like I don't really know like i should.