Not sure if you all can relate but the worst times for me are when I am trying to fall asleep or in a light sleep. It seems that everything that I have repressed or manage to push into my subconsious (fear, anger, dread etc) all come back like a tidal wave. Sometimes I am almost forced into the fetal position with these feelings, it is dumb and awful all at the same time. Then as if I am pulled out of everything, I am able to regain control and it all goes away.
mcol- Yes, I think a lot of us can relate. It's tough, especially when you're alone. My H is at home with me, but he's not talking much. I lay there by myself and my mind floods with things that I don't want to think about. I understand the fetal position too. Sometimes it seems like the only way to stop all the emotions. I'm happy to hear that you and your W are communicating. That's great!
I hope the New Year brings much better thoughts and sounder sleep.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
What is the "uncomfortable air of everything going on" that you're referring to? Are the IM sessions with your W lifting your spirits? Does communication with her seem to be better? Any idea where her R with OM currently stands?
Wow Burgbud. Just wow. Thank you for taking the time to write all of that out. I know you meant to help mcol, but boy.wow.amazing. You are brilliant, put together and a very good writer. Thank you so much.
mcol, I am sure your Christmas was much tougher than most, being in marriage turmoil, deployed and missing your family. I know what you mean about wanting to push forward through the day. And I hear ya on the sleep issues, big time. HUGS!
What is the "uncomfortable air of everything going on" that you're referring to? Are the IM sessions with your W lifting your spirits? Does communication with her seem to be better? Any idea where her R with OM currently stands?
The uncomfortable air I refer to is the post bombshell of the things we have been through so far. I cannot help but still feel so screwed up about the whole sitch because I did not see it coming. My whiny word, which will likely annoy most people is unfair!!! I was blindsided to say the least and yet for her, this is part of some plan that is so warped and convoluted I cannot even begin to tell you how jacked up I am.
I cautiously approach every IM session with the expectation to get cussed out for something she has thought about since our last conversation. Although we have not fought in a while, I know she is seething just below the surface. Our contact is limited to IM these days because in my opinion it gives us the chance to think about what we are going to say as we type it. We also do not have to deal with the lag in a phone line that can totally jack everything up. I guess communication is communication no matter what form.
Combine all that with the fact that she dreaded the holidays due to the issues inside of her own family and her dad not being around and you get one big messy can of worms. I am trying to be sensitive, which I am sure has made me seem like a pushover again, but I cannot help but feel as though being stiff and rigid right now will win me any favor. I know I am wrong in that assumption but by trying to be the way I am I rationalize that to mean an extended timeline on getting the damn separation paperwork and more time on the IM to engage her with the issues we are facing.
You would be proud of me, the other day while IM she told me that she was hurting for money because she got a ballooned student loan payment and my transferring money out of the account spoiled her plan for Christmas gifts. A plan that I had no concept of whatsoever and a plan I really did not give a crap about at the time as I thought I was going to have to put a lawyer on retainer and hire a PI. Since then I have transferred all of the money minus what I spent on family Christmas gifts (to include hers) back to the account, to include a $1000 deposit on Christmas eve. She initially told me that things were the way they were and why bother transferring money now as it would not do her any good for Christmas...I simply said that I was not asking for her permission to return the money...she snidely replied "and I guess I don't need to give it" my backbone felt strong then. However, part of me thinks she is going to use this money to pay the lawyer for the sep agreement which I am not anxious to see.
Some of our IM sessions, just aren't. As to my dark status there was no missing me. She said that when I used to call every day she would just get mad at me and when I don't call then she just forgets about me...WTF!!! Early last week we had a blow out on IM in which she told me that I was emotionally removed again from her life and everything that is going on, my response...who removed me? I mentioned the fact that her dad had always said the Divorce was not an option, a mantra that we often repeated to others including her brother and one I hold firm in my heart. Her response...look what happened to my dad. My response, "so all of the good advice and words to remember him by died with him?" She did not say anything on that one.
The only problem with IM is that it gives us both a written record of the things we have said. Not a bad thing for rememberance but not a good thing when stupid lawyers get involved. She has already mentioned that she forwarded some of my emails to the attorney doing the sep and that they said she should just let me keep making the mistakes. The attorney's daughter said that my hastiness in transferring the funds out of our account and cutting off the power of attorney would only make a judge question my motives....BS!!! That is where I am glad that two sides of the story will come in to play if need be.
As to the OM, some of our IM session are noticeably void of contact for minutes at a time which I attribute to her typing him or other friends. We have talked about him, I caved on telling her to stop the A, and again she reiterates that their is nothing going on. Although, she says he is a very intelligent, kind and soft hearted person who would much rather help someone than hurt them. Ok, whatever. I have not locked horns with her because simply, she will just go out of sight, out of mind again and I will be back to square one.
Today is the anniversary of her dad's death and I think she may be having lunch with him prior to going to the mountains...but he is not going with her that is for sure. Whatever, I have had two major realizations in the last few weeks that give me strength 1)Life without her is doable, although really crappy to think about. 2) My kids deserve the best father I can be and the love that I am wasting on my W deaf ears needs to be redirected at the them. I wish there was an emotional bank we could deposit into for them because if this thing goes down the road to the big D then they will need every ounce of comfort and support they can get. It chokes me up every day when I think about having to tell them...which is projecting, I know.
LWB...thanks for the hugs..I need them right now. I never thought I would say this but THANK GOD Christmas is over. I have a tentative flight date for March but W reaction (as always), I'll believe it when I see it. The sad thing is that 99% of the time she is right as the effing Army cannot stick to plans which mean so much.
In the meantime..the job/house hunt continue. Hope you all are doing well...time to start making out those New Year's resolutions!
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
W has a girlfriend of hers who is also friends with OM. OM and this girl knew each other long before W and OM linked up. W asked me to start IMing Krys because other girl wants to find a military guy. Other girl knows about the sitch with W and I. Well I guess OM found out that other girl and I were talking and ASSUMED that I was trying to get dirt on W. Long story short, he showed his ass and flamed other girl treating her like crap. She was furious and has such a good disposition about W and I...she has stayed out of it, although she knows about us. Not only that but she still talks to me when I am sure the one side that she heard was very disparaging. She acknowledged that there are always two sides to every story and she said that OM knows the line and she believes he has crossed it, duh. So there is discord in W's circle of new friends which is sort of humorous to me but also a little disturbing as these are the few people she has confided in. Now that is jacked up. Not sure if this will reflect back on me or what...I personally don't care.
I tried to stay out of it. I have offered to talk to OM to hear what he has to say and ironically W has not revealed his screenname. I am not snooping to find it either. I told W to pass a quote, "I have never asked other girl to spy on W and I have never spied on W. I will be more than happy to hear what you have to say if you want to add me to your list." I mean that. If he has something to say to me then I want to hear it because then W will not have him as a confidant anymore..someone to turn to. He just needs to be prepared for what is coming back from my side.
As for W and I, things are progressing. I feel like every IM is a chance to explore a closed off area. I mentioned to her the other day that I am not as nervous bringing up touchy subjects. I used to feel and still do to a certain extent, that talking hard stuff will push her away. However, she said that she would rather me ask her than try to ask her family. I did get frustrated last night because when the whole other girl and OM thing blew up, they were IMing with each other at about the same time W and I had started to talk about serious stuff. I told W that while I did not want be pushy, I also felt like when we were talking serious stuff that she should make our conversation a priority. Or at a minimum tell me she is busy and not leave me hanging. She apologized and will try. I guess that is all I can hope for.
I have often laughed at my use of AOL lately. I have this powerhouse software and all I really do is play one game, check some email and IM. But, as it has allowed me to reconnect with W I guess beggars cannot be choosers.
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
Not sure if this will reflect back on me or what...I personally don't care.
Just an observation, but it sounds like you do.
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I told W to pass a quote, "I have never asked other girl to spy on W and I have never spied on W.
There is nothing wrong with snooping if you do it to confront and expose an affair, as a first step to saving a marriage and a family. Are you saying that you have made a promise to your wife never to snoop on her? Have you given up on trying to get proof of their affair, so that you can confront her with it?
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If he has something to say to me then I want to hear it because then W will not have him as a confidant anymore..someone to turn to. He just needs to be prepared for what is coming back from my side.
What, specifically, is going to be your position with him if you have the opportunity? Have you thought it through?
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As for W and I, things are progressing. I feel like every IM is a chance to explore a closed off area. I mentioned to her the other day that I am not as nervous bringing up touchy subjects. I used to feel and still do to a certain extent, that talking hard stuff will push her away. However, she said that she would rather me ask her than try to ask her family.
This is good, that you are "losing the fear" of broaching difficult subjects with your wife. But as long as the motivation to "not push her away" is the strongest one, you will not make much progress. I know it's difficult (I am the WORLD'S biggest conflict avoider!!), but you need to push thru the fear of making your wife mad, and be brutally honest with her. She is waiting for you to do that. She won't LIKE it when you do, but she is waiting for it, in my opinion.
btw, she is looking for you to promise not to talk to her family about these things. My wife did the exact same thing. "This is our private business" is a common mantra of infidels. Affairs HATE the light of day shone upon them. You don't need to go airing all of your daily dirty laundry to them, but there is NOTHING wrong with exposing specific things to them, if you feel they will help support the marriage. A good position can be "I'm not going to go seeking them out about everything, but they're concerned about your inappropriate relationship as much as I am, and they're trying to help." And, "If asked, I will not lie to them about what I know. Frankly, there's been TOO MUCH lying and secrecy going on around here lately."
