Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

Choc-

Whew! I was hoping I would get at least one thing right. Today has been interesting. I actually got to catch up on some much needed sleep. Although I had a very wierd dream about my W and our kids. Sad to say that the sitch is occupying every facet of my being...even my dreams.

Day 3 is progressing smoothly...the concept of living without her, although not my desire, is becoming less foreign as I continue to search for jobs and houses. Had a brief spike of emotion today as I walked in our little shop over here and got the feeling of who will I buy neat little trinkets for if she is gone? Got over it a couple of minutes later when I bought an external hard drive. I am in the process of downloading a bunch of music and movies we have shared over here. If nothing else, I will watch a movie a night to keep my mind off of stuff, employee of the month was effing hysterical. Laughing like that made me feel whole again. That is who I am...I had forgotten temporarily.

Actually came to work looking for a challenge from my duties...it didn't happen but that is ok, in my world no activity is a blessing.

I take comfort that my W cannot pursue any legal action until I get home. She will have 3 extra months of guilt with me having the upper hand.

Have a great weekend and a Merry Christmas.

[SueS]

mcol-

I hate to hijack your thread, but I was hoping I could convince ChocolateEyes to come over to mine. I've read your posts on Bombadiers thread and I'd like advice.

I'm here on Infidelity....Get Me on a Smoother Ride..Need Advice.

If you have time, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you-

Have a good day mcol.

SueS

[mcol]

Sue...I have been blessed to have choc in my corner and he is a great person/resource unfortunately due to his experiences.

No worries on my end.

[pregnant&DBing]

...it could also be her hoping he'll step up and defend her -- fight for her. It's hard to say, but the GOOD news for mcol is, his response to either possibility can (and should) still be the same

Yep. I think it's actually not an either-or scenario. It's actually, I'm thinking, the exact same thing. Right now, while she's in her "wrong" mind, she's asking permission. Once she snaps back into reality, she'll realize that what she *really* (albeit likely subconsciously) wanted was for her H to fight for her.

mcol, remember this: the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is nothing at all.

I'm glad you're finding things that are occupying your mind.

We're all thinking of you ... and wish you could be surrounded by family and love this Christmas. Know we're there with you in spirit.

Love,

Peanut-Butter&Jelly

[mcol]

Thanks PBJ ((((((HUGS)))))...you are not the only one. I had actually wondered what W was going to do over Christmas with all the issues with family.

Also wondering what she plans on anniversary of dad's death? She says that when I asked what the family was going to do to remember him she said something like "did you think we would forget?" It is good that I did not hear her say it or I would have gone ballistic.

I am glad that S,D,S will be spending time with my parents during death anniversary. Will give the family time to grieve without little ones running around. This could be a good chance for her to get some of her grief out...now of course if OM is there it could also push her closer into his arms (hurl) since he will be supporting her.

Although, I did send some flowers to the whole family so maybe that will squelch a little of the confusion he can induce. The guy in me wants about 15 minutes alone with that $hithead.

[mcol]

Also wondering if she put my name on the gifts to kids. Seeing as how we did not talk about what she was getting them at all nor any plans for Christmas. The only thing I knew was how much she spent since that was a point of contention for us.

Been reading a letter from SIL to her and W response where she said as far as emotions go I was as good as dead to her. WTF does that mean? She is the one who put the wall up when I left to prevent having to lose me. Her walls took over her emotions and prevented me from getting through to her??!!!??? I know she is loopy but that really hurts.

***CONTACT*** W just emailed me saying D3 was going to the doc to get her toenail worked on. Interesting she would email me for that yet nothing else. I will likely call to talk to D but not much for W. Will let you know what happens.

[mcol]

So I tried to call three times but could not get through. Not sure if she pushed me to her voicemail...would not surprise me.

I did get to leave a message but accidentally said "Love you" at the end of the message. This has been something we have said at the end of all of our convo until we started with our issues. In a way it is robotic but I really did not want to say it as the book says it only forces her into a hole.

I will send her a note telling her I could not get through. I did talk to MIL and told her I had not spoken to W in a couple of days. I will call MIL tomorrow to talk to S and D.

Still feel that dark is the way to go. I will get an update from D tomorrow on her doctor's appointmnet...not sure if I should call W as this is about D and nothing to do with us. Your thoughts?

[mcol]

All,

Just doing some digging to see what was going on and came across this post on my W my space page...will someone please pass the tissues...

"I am not exactly feeling sentimental about the whole military and the deployment, but this touched even ME. And it reflects my childrens' Christmas list. As you watch, may I reiterate that I hate that Mike's choice of a career has taken him away from my children this year?..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKNRg8PXxgk

[pregnant&DBing]

mcol: That myspace message, and the video, is about as close to a "baby step" as you can come, being so far away.

I don't want you to get your hopes up -- and then do something stupid. I think you're doing such a great job. But I wanna pass along the following story to you:

I was by myself for four months when my H left. I was here, on these boards, and I was reading *every* infidelity/self-help/restore M books that I could find at Barnes&Noble. In short, I was doing *everything* I could to save my M.

When my H came home, I was expecting to hear how my attitude, behavior, etc. had influenced his decision to come back to me.

Instead, he told me, a movie that he was watching with OW just a few days earlier is what sealed the deal. Apparently after watching that movie, some lightbulb came on. He said he cried the entire night, and the next morning, he told OW that he was returning to his W and family -- if we would have him.

He rented that movie the first night he was home so that I could watch it. Honestly, I still for the life of me can't figure out what about that movie "spoke" to him. But that's not for me to determine. When he and I watched it that night, he cried like a baby. And I mean, like a baby.

Sometimes, it takes something like that -- a movie or a video -- to get our alien spouses to think.

In the meantime, we have to continue doing what we can do to help ourselves. You going dark, if nothing else, is keeping you from having to hear her sh!t. Accept the video/myspace message as a "God-wink," or a "baby step," or a small miracle. And don't ruin that for yourself by calling your W. Call your D when she's away from W to ask about the doc. appt.

That's just my .05 (inflation, ya know).

Keep it up.

[SueS]

I did get to leave a message but accidentally said "Love you" at the end of the message. This has been something we have said at the end of all of our convo until we started with our issues. In a way it is robotic but I really did not want to say it as the book says it only forces her into a hole.

mcol-

I don't think there's anything wrong with the occassional ILY. I did it just this morning. To my surprise, H said it back. I think it might have been a slip on his part, but that's okay. I hadn't said it in a long time and feel like I should pop it in there from time to time.

SueS