So I guess being at this new stage is new to me. Don't really know what to do.
I think I had the impression that once the relationship was in good shape the sex should just fall into place. All the stories I've read on the board seem that way.
Maybe I'm being impatient. I don't really know.
Corri I looked into the book you suggested. Thee are two at Amazon by that title. I'm assuming the one by Marnia Robinson.
I think I had the impression that once the relationship was in good shape the sex should just fall into place. All the stories I've read on the board seem that way.
I don't see that happening much on this board. The recent success of the IC's and LFL are actually the exception. Most of the long term R's here are stuck.
Yes, it's the book by Marnia Robinson. She also has a web site, which you'll find if you google her.
Glad you posted. I've been trying to find the Rumi qoute in your sig for awhile. Couldn't remember where I had seen it.
Well I guess I don't get around on this forum too much. When I was in newcomers and then piecing I was very active. But here I haven't been active enough to know the stories.
After being stuck for over 3 years when my wife put her ring back on a month ago, we spent our first vacation together in 5 years, and last week starting sleeping in the same bed again. I kinda assumed we were unstuck.
She's still uncomfortable with physical contact though. I'm not sure really if this is a stage we'll get through soon and I should be patient or if some sort of action needs to be taken.
I'll be turning 40 next week and damn I don't want to be a 40 year old virgin.
I kinda think... you just need to start over. I think you have some expectations there, while normal for a married man... your wife was seeing things as done. Maybe. Don't know.
Do you like talking to your wife... about something that might get her dander up... but not necessarily piss her off? I keep going back to my Harmonic Oscillator discussion, but you may not know anything about that. However... an HO discussion is more like a philosophical discussion that really may not have a resolution per sey... it's more of a point/counter point thing... foreplay with words.
Dunno. I think you just keep going back to the same ole' same ole, which is, in part, what got you to your moratorium. You just need to change horses. Completely. I think.
I could seriously be wrong. I was discussing this on a thread I started... in that Other is Other... not what we project. Same ole same ole isn't going to work.
Find a new path. Stretch yourself. Something completely and absolutely NEW. That way... you are both on unfamiliar ground and you both... then... are equal. You are feeling a bit unsure... she is feeling a bit unsure... it equals out the sense of... who has power.
Does that make any sense? There is something very... provocative about completely new.
Well if you mean in the dating my wife realm I believe we've done a great deal of that. If you mean in the way I look at this then yeah maybe your right. I am having a hard time figuring out where I am.
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your wife was seeing things as done. Maybe. Don't know.
Not sure I'm following you here. You mean done with our progression? This is where we were headed.
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Do you like talking to your wife... about something that might get her dander up... but not necessarily piss her off? I keep going back to my Harmonic Oscillator discussion, but you may not know anything about that. However... an HO discussion is more like a philosophical discussion that really may not have a resolution per sey... it's more of a point/counter point thing... foreplay with words.
I do. We have a great deal of philosophical discussions together. We've both seen a great deal of change in ourselves due to the obstacles we've been through. I know what an HO is, I have a physics background. But have never heard it as applied to a discussion.
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Dunno. I think you just keep going back to the same ole' same ole, which is, in part, what got you to your moratorium. You just need to change horses. Completely. I think.
Sometimes I do. In phases. My pattern has been to have a great realization, make changes, then when the resulting changes are not great enough I fall back into the same ole pattern of wondering what next and stressing on it. And of course lately that's when I post here, when I'm frustrated.
I see this also in my students. I call it a mental health crisis. When a person experiences tremendous growth but then for some reason falls back to old habits of thinking. I do recognize the pattern in myself. fortunately the crisis is short lived with me.
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Find a new path. Stretch yourself. Something completely and absolutely NEW. That way... you are both on unfamiliar ground and you both... then... are equal. You are feeling a bit unsure... she is feeling a bit unsure... it equals out the sense of... who has power.
Does that make any sense? There is something very... provocative about completely new.
Makes a lot of sense. I will think on this.
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IMHO
Uh I can't ever remember you being humble :-)
So Corri would you mind telling me what state you went to middle school in? weird question I know.
What STATE did I go to middle school in? Uhmm... well 7th grade... prep school in inner city Cincinnati... then... rural school for 8th grade.
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Sometimes I do. In phases. My pattern has been to have a great realization, make changes, then when the resulting changes are not great enough I fall back into the same ole pattern of wondering what next and stressing on it. And of course lately that's when I post here, when I'm frustrated.
I appreciate your thinking. But... head shake... for me, at least... it was not just doing something new, just for doing something new.... it was a complete mind shift.
When I left my marriage, I was still the same person. Even in a new R... I still faced me. It wasn't the person with whom I was dealing... but me. My mind set. I could tell, if I kept on the same path, no matter who I was with... I'd face the same me, at some point. Chemical phase would get me out of it, for a time, but, if I wanted lasting changes for me... changing me... was the order of the day. So... I changed. It was not easy.
Now. I can change. But I also know... I am me. I can change the physical me much easier than I can change the intellectual me. Intellectual me... is a changing person by nature... but I will not, ever, give up... authenticity. That is... of the emotional realm. Physical me... well... I have much exploring to do... as long as I feel that I have that very sturdy.... someone to hold on to... which is, in and of itself, emotional... than I can find my way.
It is when I get pulled into... delivery. Give me what I want.
Ewh. Share with me. See where it goes. Don't expect. Let me find my legs. If I can't... I can't. Don't rush the line.
BUT. If someone didn't rush the line on me... well... then, I LEARNED... step forward. And I did. I do. I like it. Not because he's waiting on me to give him what he wants... but because he is waiting on me to give what I am willing.
I am blunt. Yes. I tell it like I see it, yes. That does not mean I am right. I will hold my line, and I do, and I'm sure that is why I am seen as a hard azz. But I am NOT cocky, and I never have been. I hold opinions. I argue them. That does not mean I am right. But I don't argue, unless I HAVE an opinion. When I do, you'll hear from me. Otherwise... I don't say anything.
Physics, by the way... can be a lovely, wonderful discussion. Especially the HO equation. It IS the God equation, to me.
Uhmm... well 7th grade... prep school in inner city Cincinnati
OK good, now I can get the visual of my first girlfriend out of my head. What a traumatic experience.
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BUT. If someone didn't rush the line on me... well... then, I LEARNED... step forward. And I did. I do. I like it. Not because he's waiting on me to give him what he wants... but because he is waiting on me to give what I am willing.
Nice. And I expect that is the case. I see nothing that says anything else. And when I'm in a better frame of mind than today this is what I am doing. She has even stated that she notices.
What has consistently worked in the past is giving her space.
What made her make the change is she came to a point where she was afraid of losing me.
