Please give some advice on sex

[Vengeance]

I am 37 and she is 36. We have been married for almost 15 years. We have 4 children from 11 to 2. My wife and I argue constantly about sex and how frequent it should happen. She is happy with about every 6 weeks. I would like it every other day, but would be thrilled with it twice a week. She feels that I am just a typical guy who thinks with his penis. After years of being turned down for sex, I have not initiated it for years. We have sex only when she offers. She will offer it about twice a month and even then it is not something she likes to do, just wants to get it out of the way so I will quit pouting. So most of the time it is a “quickie or nothing.” However, there are some times when it is great and we both are happy. But when those happen I am already sad to see it over and not looking forward to the span between the next occurrence. This started the day after we were married. She told me that I wanted it too much and more then she could provide.

She is turned off by oral sex, and has never performed it on me. She will rarely allow me to perform it on her. Even when I ask, she will ignore it as though I didn’t say anything. I believe that she doesn’t feel it is appropriate for religious reasons. She also told me that she is only interested in 2 positions, and doesn’t want to try any others. When I say what about my wants, I am told that my desires are not respectful of what makes her uncomfortable, and if I make her feel uncomfortable she loses all desire for sex. For religious reasons I do not masturbate, but feel there are so many restrictions on sex in my marriage and that I have very little to no choice in the matter.

We went to a marriage counselor provided by our church, and it didn’t do any good at all for me, in fact it made things worse it think. He told my wife she is normal and that she isn’t going to change, so I need to learn to be happy with what I can get. He recommended Divorce Busting which didn’t seem to help, so I found SSM and read it on my own. I have tried for months to be the kind and loving individual it suggests, but it doesn’t seem to pay off. It is not just about the sex, I need to feel desired and loved sexually. I have told her this, but she doesn't believe me.

I know I am not alone, but it doesn’t make me feel any better, so I would like to hear some advice.

[OG_Lou]

It is not just about the sex, I need to feel desired and loved sexually. I have told her this, but she doesn't believe me.


So true, but some women don't get it.

He recommended Divorce Busting
So get your W to post too. It's the best way for her to hear what other women think and say about sex, from other women, which if it is anything like my situation, hearing what men like or don't like from men doesn't count much and almost zero if it is from the H.

Lou

[sat567]

I read this:

I have tried for months to be the kind and loving individual it suggests, but it doesn’t seem to pay off.

and immediately thought, "covert contract", a term described in the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. A covert contract is basically about getting your needs met in indirect ways. Glover describes is as "I will do this ___ (fill in the blank) for you, so that you will do this ____ (fill in the blank) for me. We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract." He goes on: "Most of us have had the experience of leaning over and whispering in our lover's ear, "I love you." We then wait expectantly for our beloved to respond with, "I love you, too." This is and example of a covert contract in which a person gives to get. Saying "I love you" to hear "I love you, too" in return is the basic way Nice Guys go about trying to get all of their needs met. . . . It is indirect, unclear, and manipulative."

So, did you start being a "kind and loving individual" for the past few months in hopes to make your wife give you sex more often? Nothing necessarily wrong with that, ASSUMING, of course, that you said, "honey, I'm going to be a kind and loving individual over the next few months to see if it will result in more frequent sex."

I'm guessing you didn't do the second part of that exercise.

You might want to get the Nice Guy book. It is changing my life, and much of your story is very familiar to me, which makes me think that the book will likely be helpful to you, too.

Just to let you know, there are no quick fixes here. There are also no guarantees.

Hairdog

[Corri]

Ready2MO:

Welcome. So very sorry to see you here, but... you've come to a good place.

I agree with Lou, that if you can get your wife to come here and read, even post, it might help her a LOT.

As for you, and this may seem nearly impossible, but you have got to lose your anger and resentment if you want your sitch to improve. It doesn't help (as you've noticed), and all it does is more firmly entrench her in her belief that all you really want is SEX.

Have you considered going to a marriage encounter weekend?

As so many of us have seen here, things are not likely to change if you are not willing to take radical steps... and even then, there is a chance it still won't change. How far are you willing to go? Would you Divorce, or do your beliefs make that a non-option?

You may also want to check out on Amazon.com a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy. A lot of the guys here are reading it...

[RedHeadWife]

I will reply later when I have time. Sounds a lot like me "BEFORE" w/o the religious stuff mixed in.

Real quick, either she's serious about the religious stuff & needs to know that (as far as I know and I'm Baptist), a lot of that is not against "religion" or she's using that as an excuse. Maybe she's just very self-conscious b/c of the way she was brought up thinking about men & sex (thinking this b/c of the "you're just a penis" comment) -- that was me. I had to force myself to be more adventurous and not so self-conscious/shy, etc. w/ my own H!! Then I realized I actually liked it b/c my H did!

Gary Chapman has a really good website (he's the author of the 5 Love Languages) and I get daily emails from that website. There was one week on sex and it sure sounded to me like God wants us to be sexual w/ our partner and enjoy it!! What religion are you?

[RedHeadWife]

Also, as far as the doing things and being nice, etc., my H ended up telling me he was doing the same thing -- helping more around the house, etc. trying to make things less stressful for me so that then I may feel I had more time & energy for him. Problem was, I had no idea this is what he was doing/why he was doing these things. He just became more angry & resentful.

[Dom R]

I believe that she doesn’t feel it is appropriate for religious reasons. She also told me that she is only interested in 2 positions, and doesn’t want to try any others. When I say what about my wants, I am told that my desires are not respectful of what makes her uncomfortable, and if I make her feel uncomfortable she loses all desire for sex.

if she is truely interested in being religiously devout... then i suggest that you approach it on that level.
Every major religion: Judaism, Christianity, and Islam... underscores that married couples SHOULD HAVE REGULAR (as in, frequent enough that no-one is left wanting more) sex!!

We went to a marriage counselor provided by our church, and it didn’t do any good at all for me, in fact it made things worse it think.

ok, so your church counsellor is incompetant. This is not unexpected. Talk to your PRIEST, not your counsellor.

The bible I'll make that assumption since you said church) is very explicit, that your wife is not living up to her duty as a Christian married woman!.

[quote]
I need to feel desired and loved sexually.

now THAT, is a whooolle different issue. you can't make your wife be sexually attracted by you just by asking her to be.

I have tried for months to be the kind and loving individual it suggests, but it doesn’t seem to pay off.

being "kind and loving", isnt what turns all women on.
Read the 5 love languages, or "his needs, her needs", or some book like that, to give you more ideas there.

(PS: and definately try to get your church to fire that counsellor. He's harmful to marriages!)


PPS: you might want to think more carefully, about the difference between "horney, and sexually wanting you", vs "wanting to take care of your needs".

They are two different things, technically. One is 'easier' to achieve than the other. Either is usually more fulfilling to a man, than "open legs, close eyes, and lay there" sex, though.

[Vengeance]

This is so wonderful that I had several responses in a matter of a few minutes.
I will suggest that my wife post also, but I doubt that she will as this is a very private subject.
I will also get the book recommended if it is at the library.
I hope that by giving my religion doesn't detract from the intent of my posting, but we are LDS, or Mormon as most call us.

[Dom R]

I hope that by giving my religion doesn't detract from the intent of my posting, but we are LDS, or Mormon as most call us.

Well, in that case, you could always say, "give me what I need, or I'll get a second wife"...?

jokie...

[RedHeadWife]

As far as you being Mormon, I can't imagine that would make any of us less likely to try to help you out/give you advice if we can, however, as far as the beliefs go, I have no clue what they are as far as S goes. Do you know exactly what your faith says about S after M and what is expected of the H and W?