Hi folks, I've been here before, but stopped posting when things with my H went downhill again.
So, my stroy is so long, so I'll try to sumarize...
Jan '06 - ILYBNILWY Feb - H moved out Feb - Found out about OW March - H came home - for a week April - Mediation -- headed for D May - H came back the second time saying he never loved OW, that I'm the only one he ever loved but somewhere along the way, he lost his ability to love. June - H started seeing a C
The next year was filled with lots of back & forths. H would say he wants nothing but me and our M and our kids, but coulnd't completely let go of OW. Each time I found out about any contact with OW, I kicked him out (he still had an appt of his own). And everytime I kicked him out, he went to OW only to find out within days that he didn't want to be with her. That pattern repeated a number of times. I'm leaving out a lot of details here.
Flash forward to today: H has moved back home (since May '07). It was a very rocky summer. H almost moved out again. He is now with a new C who is focused on changing behavior (as opposed to the talk it out traditional therapy). H and I have made great progress. His contact with OW is over (I THINK). But we still have setbacks and I find that every day is a struggle. Keeping a M together is a constant battle.
Throughout this whole process, there has been progress both with me and H. But it is still hard.
So, I am giving this board another try in hopes that I will continue to be "piecing".
This M stuff is hard work!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I wish you the best of luck in your piecing efforts. You sound like you've summoned up amazing amounts of patience. Keep up the faith and no matter what happens you will know that your spirit made every loving attempt to support the bond of love with your husband's spirit.
Could I ask you a question or two? My wife and I are meeting with a mediator for two hours tomorrow (11/5/07), and she seems determined to dissolve our marriage. Do you believe that any of the conversations or process of mediation led to your husband's change of heart?
I am trying to figure out how I should best handle my end of the conversations. She wants to talk about division of assets, but I still am having a hard time accepting that our almost 20 year marriage could be over in a few weeks, with no understanding of what happened. She still has not ever expressed or explained what led her to decide the marriage was over for her (and she had never verbally indicated dissatisfaction with our marriage). Maybe this is just another example of a MLC/OM affair/reality shift, that can have no logic or reason factored in.
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
I know how hard it is to lay your heart out again and trust, it is very scary but also a great act of courage.
I pray that this time your H stays true to the M and that the new C does help him. There was this chapter on 'not just friends" that mentioned mirror images. How, when we are hurt, when our Ss look into our eyes all they see is the failure they brought upon themselves, the hurt they have caused, our dissapointment. So then, the negativity is kept alive and well. In time, work yourself so that when your H looks into your eyes you project trust, you project hope, love.
Stay strong, my prayers your way))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
LG, I had posted a reply on my other post. I wish I didn't accidentally start two identical threads. It's confusing me. I hope all went well at mediation today. Please keep me posted.
CL & Cat, Thank you for your support. Yes, it's been a daily struggle. At one point, it was so bad. My H did some serious waffling back & forth.
Yes, it is a daily struggle. A C said to me recently that M is like a baby... it needs constant attention, constant nourishment, and it cannot be left alone. It's so true.
While things have been going well with H and me, I have been backsliding, BIG TIME! I have been checking the phone, asking him questions about it, being emotional... all anti-DB stuff. We talked about it a bit, which may have been counter-productive.
Cat, you're right about the mirror thing. H gets discouraged when he feels like I don't trust him. I trust him to a degree, but when push comes to shove, I know what he's capable of. So, on the trust front, we have a long way to go.
I need to find a way to let my guard down. Will I ever not feel scared? Will I ever feel really safe in my M?
Last edited by peaceful_spirit; 11/06/0703:28 AM.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
LG, I had posted a reply on my other post. I wish I didn't accidentally start two identical threads. It's confusing me. I hope all went well at mediation today. Please keep me posted.
I will reply here so that the other thread can fade away.
The mediation meeting with my W did not happen today because our mediator's father-in-law died yesterday, and she had to cancel her appointments.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice around mediation. I will do my best to stay calm, nice and in control of my emotions at the next mediation meeting (to be rescheduled still).
Originally Posted By: peaceful_spirit
I need to find a way to let my guard down. Will I ever not feel scared? Will I ever feel really safe in my M?
Based on what others have written after successfully piecing their marriages back together, yes, you can get to the place where you feel safe in your marriage again - it just might not be completely without doubts. It seems that the challenge is to not let excess anxiety or worry interfere with the healing process, and then when things are good again, to not let those negative clouds hang around when they might be completely unfounded.
IF, (and it is an extremely large IF) my wife returns and we piece things back together, I will never be able to view our marriage the way I did for 19+ years: thinking that we would always be together, and that there was no way she would ever be unfaithful to me. However, I would also not be taking her for granted ever again, and I would most likely be very attentive to the quality of our communications & emotional connections. So in the tradeoff, the "new" marriage could be much better, even if the occasional worry or doubt clouds drifted through.
Best wishes in the upcoming days and weeks,
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
LG, Sorry to hear mediation was postponed. Or maybe that's a good thing. Anyway, the thing about mediation... and even divorce, is that nothing is final. My MC once told me that she's had couples who literally call off the D the day before the hearing. And she said that she even has people who have gotten remarried.
It sounds like your W is moving quickly on this D. Do you have any sense as to why?
Have you been to the MLC boards? I was there for over a year adn I can't even tell you how helpful it was. These are people who's spouses have basically left the M, usually with an A involved, who suddenly claim they are not happy. The theory is that this is often due to a midlife crisis (which is really more about depression than it is about getting tatoos and sport cars). And in an effort to search for instant happiness, they assume their M is the reason for their unhappiness. Anyway, take a look over there, if you haven't already. It's an amazing group of supportive people.
What you said about my ability to trust is a good point. What we could have in this M is the trade off to always having that doubt in my head. And this past few days, I know I have been letting my doubts and negative thoughts get in the way of the healing process. Sometimes I can't help myself.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
What we could have in this M is the trade off to always having that doubt in my head. And this past few days, I know I have been letting my doubts and negative thoughts get in the way of the healing process. Sometimes I can't help myself.
So Peaceful--what is worth more to you? What you could have--OR--holding on to what you did have?
a great book I highly recommend is "healing the hurt in your marriage" it deals with forgiveness, anger, building and trust, it will help you lots. I like one example they gave, that all the past memories, all the difficulties you face in your M are are like a dragon, fighting to destroy you, and we must be strong and stand firm and fight with all our might.
Here is some valuable nuggets I received when I was in your position early last yr:
================================= You are breeding negativity. STOP IT. Can you just allow yourself to dare to think something GOOD about your husband? Of course the man is not "happy"! He is thinking of how long it's going to take to get back into your good graces, how long until you stop expecting the worst from him, how long until you have faith that he will do something other than screw up, how long til you will really love him again and the two of you can truly be a healed family. HOW can he EVER believe in HIMSELF when NO ONE BELIEVES IN HIM?? It's your move. The man needs a wife that is going to stand behind him and lift him up when the rest of the world pisses on him. A wife that believes in him although at times he doubts himself. He needs someone to give him a chance. Your daughters need someone to give Daddy a chance. If he screws it up, you have the option of filing for divorce and I won't even bat an eye if you do. I will understand. But as sure as WE all screw up and Jesus forgives US, we need to forgive those that hurt us and need another chance. It's up to you. Fear or faith? Which one are you gonna feed tonight? I don't give a rat's ass about history or odds or statistics. WHAT IF WHATEVER HAPPENS IS SOLELY DETERMINED BY YOUR ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES? What if.....? ----------------- Whatever proves to be the hardest thing for you to do is precisely what you HAVE to do. If it's bringing up OP, then you have to stop. You just have to stop it. You're giving her too much power. SHE'S NOTHING.
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"The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
========= "KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH" so let's not make it harder than it already is. I know some WAS don't ever come back b/c they believe it'll be too hard...they won't be forgiven or trusted or even taken back at all no matter what. When LBSers insist on continuing to need the reassurances a year down the road, they make it harder for all. IF your H 'got it', then you move forward as if it's a new love, b/c it is. ===========
As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.
=======
Marriage is work and now I think I understand that the best marriages are also the marriages where the couple works the hardest. Coasting, through the good times, OR the bad times, expecting that emotion, circumstance or fate will intervene and keep things going is a recipe for failure.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Aud, I am much more encouraged by what we can have in the future than what we once had. Looking back, what we had was quite flawed.
Cat, thakns for the 2x4. I forget sometimes that they are also fragile and that they need to feel trusted. And yes, the A is a fantasy world. And I think that's why there's so much back & forth with our spouses. They want to be home and married to us, yet they can't give up the memories of that "feel-good" drug of teh infatuation stage of what they had with the OP. In my H's case, everytime he chased that with OW, it only reaffirmed to him that it was not where he wanted to be.
Anyway, Cat, thanks for your post. I'm goign to re-read it to remind myself of those key learnings.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
