Still Here

[DonH]

Thanks for the comments over on FIB's thread. It's not that I can't find the time to post, it's more that I can't find anything worth posting about.

Life continues to move foward and improve but at a much slower pace than I would like. I have actually done pretty well over the past few months. Probably my best since this all started nearly two and half years ago. I am getting to see the kids a bit more and my D22 is actually working part time for the association that I direct so I now get to see her twice a week. She's even going to a wedding with me next week.

As for my ExW, I still continue to wonder. Those of you familiar with my sitch will remember how throughout it all she would call me at least once a day - pretty much without fail. Even after the D, she was still in regular contact. Then, back in May she purchased a new home but never said a word to me. I actually found out from D22 about it. We did talk after that and she stopped out to pick up some items but at this point I have not heard one thing from her in over three months. Not an e-mail, not a phone message, not a note - NOTHING! It really does not bother me at all or I could just pick up the phone and call. What's the point? I do really wonder why this is taking place though? I don't think it's something I did or said. Get this, her pride and joy Golden Retriver that she insisted we write in the D settlement that she gets to see her and keep her on a regular basis, she has not seen nor asked about in over four months! I really wonder if her C told her that for her own good and mental health she needed to go dark? Perhaps that's just wishful thinking on my part? Again, I really don't care that I don't hear from her, but I am curious as to why.

She has continued to pretty much omit 95% of her old friends. A husband and wife friend of our were invited to her open house and they told me that they did not know anyone that was there. I guess it's all about her new life. I don't sense a BF in fact she needed the kids and S20s GF to take and pick her up from the airport. That's clearly a BF's job so...

I am done as President of the fire department. I held that position for a total of 18 years. True to form, even my giving that up was met with lies and problems. I'm really happy that I'm done with it though and have to wonder if that's why I'm doing so much better lately?

I'll try to post a few more things to get those of you who are interested up to date. Again, there is really not much to say. I'm Seperate for about 30 months and divorced now for 12 months. No interest at all in dating, no sex, no nothing. That part of my life still sucks.

Talk to you all again soon.

[faithisbelieving]

Hi DonH...I'm still here too...have read your entire sitch from the very first day that you found me, and, posted on my thread, "this is going to take a very long time." How right you were. My W is in terrible shape as we enter what we all came here to avoid.

Anyway Don...you have still stood as a role model for me. You showed great courage in how you handled the finality of your M. I 'copied' many things you did and said to your W, so, you should rest comfortably in knowing that it wasn't all YOU...as it isn't ALL ME either. It takes two..classic line..but true.

Life will get better. I can see some light. You will too. Some of my HS classmates have reminded me of late what 'normal' is like. My reunion was strengthening. One thing positive about your lack of R's and sex is that you are learning to be by yourself right now and have followed the 'golden rule' of not getting involved with someone right off the bat. And..by staying here..it will be a constant reminder of the changes that were necessary.....in you...to build the next strong foundation for the future woman that will come into your life.

Stay strong DonH, "I am stronger and better" as a man for having made your acquaintance.

Strength and honor.
FIB

[FRIEND]

hang in there guys......this is their journey. You need to continue to find what makes you heal, what makes you happy. You can't depend on them to make your lives whole. It's hard, real hard, but have faith. Always have faith.

[aynesr]

DonH, it is cool to hear from you.

[Jeff223]

Welcome back Don. Yes, we are interested.

[DonH]

aynser, wow talk about someone from the past. It looks like you post here less often than I do. What's new? How are things post D going?

[DonH]

Well I guess that I have crossed another mile stone of sorts. I had my final C session today. Now to be fair I need to disclose that for much of the year and especially for the past six months, I have been going every four, six and sometimes eight weeks. The last time I was there was September.

I feel and she agrees that I am getting back to normal - just very slowly and there is little she can do at this point. In fact, for the past five or so C sessions, she really has not done much more than listened to me. Oddly enough, she is the ONLY PERSON that I talk with about my D. I told her that's how bad it's gotten, I have to pay someone to listen to me babble about my D.

In any event, I FINALLY, FINALLY have been able to see steady progress. The bigger part is that I've been able to sustain it. As I start to come out of my own fog, I see more clearly how much of my life I wasted these past 2.5 years since the bomb. I guess I always knew this, but not to this degree. The Board of Directors has finally noticed as well - more so because I'm doing so much better and they see the results. Even the President said to me "We really have just been coasting the past several years." Well no kidding Sherlock.

I finally went flying today and thought that I should get my log book in order since I have not kept it up to date. What a whack in the face that was. In the past 12 months I have only flown three times!!! Last Thanksgiving to Cleveland, this summer to my Parent's cottage and today. This has been my worst period ever. Clearly not even worth owning a plane for. I am taking steps to change that as well. These include trying to form a partnership to step up to a newer, faster plane. You may question the wisdom in that if I'm not flying, but trust me, this is exactly the goal I need to get back in the air, along with getting instrument current, and flying like I used to. I asked the three guys in my current partnership if they might be interested. All three said they would love to but there was no way that their wives would allow it. I thought, well at least I don't have that problem anymore. Trouble is, even if I still had W here with me, I likely still would not have had a problem, as money really didn't mean much to her - still doesn't and I don't think she ever asked me not to buy something. It was more the other way around.

In an effort to keep this a manageable size I'll stop here. My C said way back that she has seen many people that say it really took about five years from the bomb until they felt that they were 100% back to their normal self. If that's true, I'm at the halfway mark and feel like I'm about 45% there. The good part is, I would have said I was less than 25% there at the start of this year, so it is going a little bit faster now.

still... Will it ever end.

[Was2sad]

DonH

Glad to see the update. Agree completely about some of your ideas on time. Bomb was May'05, so about two and a half years for me also and just passed the one year anniversary of the D.

I concur with so many of the things you describe about the healing process. Time is key. You are definately going in the right direction with getting back in the air. The more you do these things the more comfortable you will be again in your own skin.

[Jeff223]

Good post Don. You sound much better. Keep going.

I am not even at the two year mark yet

I don't like reading about "5-years" but I know you are right.

And even then, it really never ends does it?

Strength and Honor.

[DonH]

Thanks to everyone who has checked in since I started this new thread. Since I have had some activity take place that even I can't understand I thought I'd let all of you know.

Perhaps I have lost my mind. First of all I met and went to lunch with someone that I used to date about 14 years ago (or more) This actually was really no big deal, espcially since she is now married with two kids. Still the last time an old GF wanted to meet I bolted in the other direction. Then again, she was D'd for the 3rd time and was "available". This person clearly is not - nore would I be interested. The reason for our meeting was business and I had our Sales/Customer Service guy with me.

It's all understandable and really nothing out of the ordinary. Certainly not any kind of huge accomplishment for me. Well, read on...

So if that wasn't enough, the same evening after going to lunch, we had a guest speaker come out to the fire department to provide our monthly training. This time around it was on diabetes. She is with one of the largest hospitals in the area and it's her job to interface with ambulance services like us, plus do other things in the hospital. She had contacted me via e-mail a couple of months prior and seemed to know who I was - which is very common if you are involved in EMS in Wisconsin you'll likely come accross my name at some point. So, anyhow she came out last night and did a decent job. She is about 35, in good shape reasonably attractive and did not appear to be married although there was a ring on that finger - it just didn't look like a wedding ring. She hung out with a couple of us afterwards just chatting and never mentioned a husband at all. She is a bit of a know it all and there are a few other things that might be of concern, but certainly not on any kind of casual or friend level.

Anyhow bringing this to my point, I somehow found myself sending off an e-mail to her asking her to dinner! I can't even believe that I did it, and with little or no hesitation on top of it. What in the hell is happening to me? I think that again she is safe and think I'm doing much of it in an attempt to force myself forward in small, safe ways. It's safe because if she declines, it's no big deal. It's really safe in that I would not at all see her as a serious, long term relationship, even if I were looking for that, so I don't have to worry about that. So, like I said, I just did it. I then started thinking that this is the first woman I have asked out on a date in the past 13 years. Which brought me to this final thought, that snuck up and hit me as I figured out that it was 12 years ago to the day that I met my ExW at the exact same place for the same exact thing - that being an EMS Training. The only difference was I was presenting the program and she was there with a guest ambulance service that was participating with us. We ended up going out for a drink with a bunch of us that night. The next night I called her up and we ended up going out that night on our first date. Of course all of you know how that turned out 12 years later. See how this is really the exact same thing on the same day, same place, same reasons and they are both even EMTs and Registered Nurses? At least they do not look anything alike - or not much anyhow.

So I thought I just had to tell my DBing friends about it. I already could sense that my recovery was getting better at a slow but noticable pace. Even so, I never saw this one coming. I let you know how it turns out. Half of me hopes she will be married or turn me down so I can say that I took the chance and made the move - without having to go out on the date. If she accepts, I think I may get second thoughts but I will do my best to try and see it through and not back out.

And one more thing... It is interesting how what I said to her is much different now than it would have been pre-DBing. I won't go into the details of that now but I found myself revising things to a much better and productive way. I think I learned much of that here. Well that and watching the services on VH1 called the Pickup Artist! Did anyone see that show?