The Other Man/Other Woman: In general, society looks at the other man/other woman as being the responsible party in an affair. It’s understandable that the other man/other woman become the target for the rage and anger the deceived spouse feels. Blaming the other man/other woman keeps us from having to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage and our own feelings, so we like to pretend that if it hadn’t been for that other person there would have never been an affair. Problem is, there would have been, it just would have been a different other man/other woman.
How you handle the fact that there is another man or woman has a great deal to do with whether or not you end up in divorce court or, are able to save your marriage. I have a few suggestions that will help save your sanity and possibly your marriage.
Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Really Are: He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is the lover. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.
The circumstance is more important than the person your spouse is involved with. Spend your time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and finding a solution for those problems.
See The Relationship For What It Really Is: A fantasy relationship with no foundation but lies and dishonesty. The other man/other woman is showing only their best side, they are being all they can be to your spouse. No one can carry on that act for long. Their true nature will show itself and the fantasy will wear off. When the other person starts making demands of your spouse he/she will begin to feel as if they have another spouse to take care of instead of a lover.
An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of their role as husband/wife and the restrictions it brings. You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience most affairs go down in flames.
They Are Not A Reality, They Are An Illusion: Your spouse may see this new person as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take them away from the burdens of having a wife and family. In the end, they discover that all the old burdens and issues that came along with his family are the same, the only difference is, the person they feel responsible to is different. The only thing that changed was the players, not the game. Even if your marriage ends in divorce and your spouse chooses the other man/other woman you can bet, given time reality will hit hard.
Don’t Internalize Your Feelings: When a person views the world through a self-critical perspective, the outcome turns out rather distorted. Don’t allow the actions of an unfaithful spouse cause you to feel shame or unworthy. Such feelings can lead to depression, self – loathing and anxiety. Whether your goal is to save your marriage or divorce your unfaithful spouse, you need to keep a level head and develop good coping strategies. Plus, they say that living well is the best revenge and, you certainly want to get revenge…in a manner that helps you heal instead of causes you more pain.
Mrs.H, this article was helpful to me because it re-emphasizes what the role of the OP is...
I have been stuck in anger for a long time---anger about his affair and the betrayal of that...but I have to face my own responsibility reagarding the state of my marriage and the fact that my H chose to have an affair than to address the problems...also, those types of women are always on offer...
So this is helpful for me----to see that it is not personal....
Valentine
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
MrsH, thanks for posting the article I'm glad you found it helpful.
Summer, I am the author this article and other divorce and marital problem related articles can be found at http://www.divorcesupport.about.com
It seems strange to see an article I wrote posted here. This message board was a second home to me for a couple of years. So much a home that I can't help but check out the posts a couple of times a month.
It breaks my heart to see that so many people are going through the same things I did but, I'm so glad this board is here to offer comfort, support and hope.
How amazing that your words were brought back here to where it all began!
I think you captured it exactly right. It just resonated with me -- even all these many years later.
"Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular."
"When the other person starts making demands of your spouse he/she will begin to feel as if they have another spouse to take care of instead of a lover."
"An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of their role as husband/wife and the restrictions it brings." BINGO!
"Your spouse may see this new person as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take them away from the burdens of having a wife and family."
Thanks again for the link. You must feel very fulfilled knowing that you turned all your pain into lesson and wisdom that you now share with the world.
