My W and I attended my D5 Halloween parade yesterday. Then after, my S4 asked me if I would go TOT with them. My W then asked if I would join them which I gladly accepted.
Spending that 90 minutes with my family together gave me a sense of things being "normal" based on what we have been going through for some time. My W and I made small talk and even managed to chuckle from time to time. It felt so good just to be alone with my W and family even for such a short time.
I can assure all here that I was happy, upbeat, and "acted as if", did not discuss R/M or anything except the kids and the fun they were having. My heart was breaking but I never showed any bit of sorrow or anger. When the kids were done, I asked if I could take them all out to eat so my W would not need to make a meal but she turned me down saying she had a headache and her feet were hurting from walking. She said I could take the kids but I politely said "another time" and left.
I cried alone for the next 10 minutes feeling the emptiness that was inside me. I only wish I could get another chance to make things better than they were before but I know it won't happen.
Later on, I called my kids as usual to say "goodnight". I commented how much I enjoyed the time with them and the invitation. She said, "it was nice and I don't want you to think I am some sort of b**ch and that I don't want you in their lives as much as possible". "I don't hate you and I hope you don't hate me...do you??
Anyway, it was great and now I am going to open myself up to alot of negative feedback bt here it goes...
My W has scheduled our first mediation session for this Tuesday. She did this despite my statement that "I am not emotionally ready for such important decisions". I have decided to go since it is only talking and no signing takes place. The session will end w/o an agreement since I have no intention of rolling over to every thing she wants. That being said, I intend to follow-up the session with this...
I plan to propose attending the "Relationship Rich" seminar in Dallas in mid-November. It is not to be about US but my kids and how we can best co-parent, communicate better and be in the best place for our kids after the D.
I will not insult anyone's intelligence and deny that the motivation is to hopefully have her see that we have a chance. I also realize that it is a looooong shot that she would even agree to go but I have many past attendees willing to speak with her about their experience and how it put them in a better place.
I already am expecting the.."don't push her", "she will see it as trying to be controlling", "she has already left the M emotionally" etc. etc.
I spoke to 6 people, both men and women, that tell a different yet similar story that would give anyone hope for what seems hopeless. The way I see it, I can't be put in any worse of a position and if she says "no", I can look my kids in the eye in the future and say "I tried". My biggest concern is that she will not be willing to go because she has OM and she may be afraid of pushing him away by agreeing to go. I will take the approach that 15 years and our kids and the best future for them is worth 5 days.
Yesterday, the sun shone on our family for a brief moment
I would appreciate feedback on my whole post not just the last part.
Let the games begin!!!
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
I won't comment about the end....you already wrote what I would say.
The halloween sounded nice. Unfortunately, it is the feeling of being "the happy little family" that usually results in the spouse drawing away. That's an illusion and your wife also doesn't want to give you the wrong impression. It's possible for a couple to do christmas and halloween, etc, together without it meaning anything. You made the invite to have dinner and relieve her of cooking duties an obvious attempt to spend more time with her by not just taking the kids. So then the invite becomes all about her. If you wanted to save her cooking, you would have still taken the kids. Too late now, but knowledge for another time. Anyway, don't be surprised if she's more aloof now.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
A couple of good friends of mine from the board mentioned your sitch and I thought I would stop by. I don't know all of the details as I have only briefly reviewed the last few pages of your thread but I do have a few comments that might be helpful.
First, I second what Jeff said previously, when he stated that what you are feeling and going through is normal for this point in the game. You are in a living hell right now with your emotions running wild. I know - I was you about 18 months ago.
Now, you've heard all the statements about GAL, Act As If, etc. and I am sure you are taking them to heart as best you can but, here's what I've learned...and this is only my opinion based on my experience..."act-as-if and GAL" do more for you than it will do for bringing your W around. Let me explain....you will learn many, many months from now, that your W can see right through it. She has shown this with her avoidance of counseling, even in the face of the co-parenting argument. What GAL and act-as-if will do is it will allow YOU to disengage from the emotional whirlpool; it will help YOU get your emotional footing again, and will help YOU rediscover what makes you happy.
That said, let me shed some light on some things....
1) The OM; try not to obsess too much about this. 99% of the OM situations blow up at some point. If you've read my thread you will know that my W met someone on this board....a supposed friend of mine...and what they found was so real and lasting, that they connected and spent many glorious months of revelry together....well, until he got bored and stopped calling her. Consider this, if she is with OM and she comes back to you tomorrow...will you take her back and forgive her? If so, what difference does it make if it happens tomorrow, a month from now, or six months from now? Let it take it's course naturaly.
2) She WILL NOT come around until you have let go...I don't mean pretending to let go. The sooner you can accept that she is going through with the divorce, the sooner you can start to heal and get strong. Ironically, that is when she will turn around, if she's going to.
3) DB your butt off BUT, when it comes time to go to mediation/court, look out for you and your kids. Do not sacrifice your or your kids needs by taking actions that you hope will turn your W around or prevent her from getting angry with you - you will regret that later. Again, ironically, she will actually respect you more if you stand your ground.
4)I want to stress this one....SO many of these sitches turn around at the moment the divorce is being finalized or right after final papers are signed. It is in fact the premise behind the last-last resort technique (IMHO).
In summary, I guess what I'm saying is this....as long as you are fighting to turn things around, choosing actions based on what the outcome will be, etc., she will know it and will resent you for it. As long as she feels you are fighting to put things back together, she will push away. Once you move on with your life and start creating a new life for yourself and your kids, she will FINALLY have the chance to feel free and to reflect. Don't expect immediate results though...it will take months of reflection before she can clear the fog and see clearly. In addition, once she feels "emotionally free", the reality of divorce will start to rain down on her like a ton of bricks....only then (IMHO) will you start to see the real baby steps of her turning and looking.
NOW, that said, I want to share a few personal experiences that might lend hope and/or strength...and I realize I may get flack for some of this.
In my sitch, W was so far gone, there was NO HOPE. I used to call FrankD and tell him, "there's no hope, Frank" and he would calm me down and tell me anything can happen. Even still, W fell in love with someone else and moved on. We went to mediation and when she didn't get her way, she took me to court. Even still today we are battling custody issues and asset distribution, etc. BUT, once I moved on and stopped being an emotional prisoner to my past R, W started to see that I WAS capable of change and started commenting on it. Now, 18 months later, after all the anger, venom, fighting, and hearing how I was the most controlling, horrible husband ever, W makes statement like, "maybe we shouldn't go through with the D". Now I'm not saying that she would actually follow through or that she's in love with me again but I guess what I'm saying is that even the most venemous of situations can change once you let them go.
Secondly, and this is where I will likely catch flack...I have been seriously involved with someone for some months; a woman who has been seperated for 4 years and has been pursuing her own D. Now, she and her H and been apart for 4 years - they have each had other relationships, have been completely amicable and friendly, with no considerations for reconciliation. She has filed and had him served several times and each time he ignores the papers. Finally, at her witts end she gets an attorney and a court date and informs him of an emergency hearing. Suddenly, the reality of D hit him because it's now being finalized and ordered by the court.....the last week has been a barrage of phone calls and text messages, confessing his love and desire to reconcile.
I do not want to get into what I will do, what she will do, etc. and I realize I took a risk of getting slammed on this board by posting this information BUT, I wanted to show you that even after 4 years of seperation, where both parties had conceivably moved on, things CAN and DO turn around.
The important thing is, LOVE HER ENOUGH TO LET HER GO and figure things out on her own. You wouldn't want her with you if she wasn't happy anyway, would you?
I truly hope this helps in some way and I wish you and your family the very best. Good luck!
Blast from the past you lurker. I wondered about you. Interesting about your W (I remember when SHE posted to us) and how things do change. And good to see you have moved along nicely.
A couple of good friends of mine from the board mentioned your sitch and I thought I would stop by. I don't know all of the details as I have only briefly reviewed the last few pages of your thread but I do have a few comments that might be helpful.
I just wanted to quickly say that I appreciate you sharing your experiences and offering your hard earned wisdom (of both positive and negative aspects) to those of us not as far through the process as you.
Wow. I keep up witn marky's posts and just wanted to say to cherrisher - THANKS. Your insights should be posted to every single member!
I have slowly been learning these things in the past month of DB'ing but wasn't sure if I believed in them yet...to hear your experience gives me a refreshing new insight..and HOPE. Thanks Cherrisher.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I need some advice on how I should act when there?
Easy. This is a chance to sit down and state your requests in terms of what you want. And that's it. So, figure out what you want from the divorce and then be prepared to compromise on unimportant things and stick to your guns on important things. This isn't the opportunity to talk about how you want to be with her still, why you are a good match for her, or any other relationship stuff.
How should you act? Confident, put together, strong, funny (yes, you can even joke around at this), and know what you want. Make a good impression. Look good, smell good, be polite, be understanding, listen. Don't drag yourself in there like your dog just died. You won't save your marriage by looking pitiful.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
