A favor

[always_14]

My old thread locked, and as with my pattern with threads, it always comes at a new turn of events in my sitch.

Counter motion/petition to D is being filed on my behalf.

I never thought I would live to see the day that I completed statements/briefs to end my M without breaking down, screaming or having a nervous breakdown. I was so scared that I would never be able to get to this door saying "I am ready."

But I am.

I digress.....now, to the title of the thread.

It's a phrase that someone told me last night at a party - and one that I felt that EVERYONE here can agree upon, whether rebuilding your M, coming here as a newbie, moving on, Standing, waiting - whatever the state may be.

Last night, I went to a party where I saw people I had not really talked to since I moved out over 1 year ago. The general comments were, very tastefully, that they were all sorry and quite shocked and disappointed at what had happened. They all supported me a lot, and said that they could see right through H's rants and actions now. It seems that H has been pulled aside by his superiors at work several times, going back since I moved out, for conduct and behavior (this person could not tell me details). He had been offered psychological help, which he declined. My thought is that H is a "liability" to the hospital and the federal govt if he screws up on the job or is accused of anything (sexual harassment if his As get messy, other conflict with people he hangs with, his anger at work, etc). So, I think they are documenting that they have spoken to him, addressed certain issues (which I do not know, private info), and have officially offered mental health help. Short of actually doing something or becoming a danger, they cannot MAKE H do anything.

But the moral of the story (and the title of the thread), is that these folks each said to me, "Yes, he asked you to leave and is ending the M, but he did you a favor."

I thought about this a lot, and my life over the last year. Even with the tough times, the bombs, tears and pain, I simply CANNOT imagine my life if I had still been with H through this. I would never have grown. I would never have smiled much, or gone out. I would never have grown deeper friendships. I would never have had a peaceful moment. My life would have revolved around my exploding M, the OWomen, snooping, being lied to, constant worry, walking on eggshells, acting as if. And, now with what others tell me, I would have also worried H would get into some sort of work mess/trouble, him getting fired, etc.

Though much of my focus has been on the M this year, and my H, I can at least say that it was not living with H, experiecing things from the front seat. I, and most all of us, were sheltered from what our spouses are doing. Though it kills us, and we feel rejected - I think of what these people said - he did you a FAVOR to leave you out of it. We were given time in our lives away from the mess, and to focus back on our lives again. As dear Annie points out, we were given an opportunity to just get on with life and to soar.

Again, this is not a message of moving on, not standing, or not fighting for your M. Yet, if we always say to GAL and use this for US, then it is a blessing that our spouses left when they started to go nuts and not expose us and drag us under, too.

I see so many here acquire new hobbies, get new jobs, go back to school, strengthen bonds with children, focus on the home, celebrate birthdays and holidays, start businesses, contribute to the world. Could we have done this with someone going through a crisis in our nest? Did their leaving, which was so painful, actually a FAVOR?

I think so, at least for me.

I'm glad to have been spared. Oddly, it also inspired compassion towards my H. I actually feel sad for him. I never thought I would ever hear a day when H gained a poor reputation.....when I have only been silent about the whole thing. It was sad and painful for me in a way. I was sad to see a person who once had all his goodness so lost now. I feel he is increasingly trapped by his choices, and boxing himself in tighter and tighter. I feel he is losing grasp on reality at times, it's scary. I feel sad that all his work shines, but is dimmed by his personal actions and anger/attitude at work.

But, it's that sadness & squandering on H's part that makes me want to work that much more to build a better life for myself.

Congratulations to each of you for taking this "favor" and doing good things in life!

[job]

Always,
What a beautiful posting. Yes, they did do us a favor and it's actually a blessing in disguise. We can't see it until the dust has settled and we have finally let go.

You are an inspiration here. You are destined to do many wonderful things with your life.

[yellowrose]

Always

Well said!

Y

[EverHopeful]

Always,

Not trying to hijack but I have had very similar revelations recently as well. My sister in law was in town recently and told me that the further away from her brother I get, the happier I will be.

I was floored. People see them for who and what they are but more importantly, they see us for who and what we are.

Keep moving forward, Always. You are almost there.

Godspeed,
*Ever*

[princess_nic]

Always,

Thanks for this post. You are so wise, compassionate and grounded.

I suppose it is a favour, in its way. In your case, I'd say definitely, considering how he is acting. In my case, probably it is, but it's still hard for me to see that at times. My stbx's behaviour is not quite so off-the-wall. Still, I am happier w/o him - I just want him to love me and not love anyone else!!!

You are such a great lady!

N

[heartbreak2]

Always

Thank you for this post for it has renewed my faith in me today.

Last night I did not think I would have the strength to deal with this D that is has started out insane and cruel to me.

He can't save himself right now and I can't let him take me down with him. He filed for D on grounds of cruelty for in this state after 12mon. it would be granted with out me even being served I found out.

I keep telling myself I will be happy again someday, but a part of me does not want him to love someone else.

do you ever lose that feeling?

I really need to talk to someone going through the actual D process for I am confused and scared and have no family at all. My sister and mom live thousands of miles away and are clueless to his new personality.

I hope to get to the place you are at Always for then I know I will find some peace. The road there seems to be very long and dark right now.
thanks

[Valentine]

Always, as usual, a brilliant post. You are so deep, mama!

You are sooo right...Dr. Luv did you a favor. Now you find out all this stuff about him. You have the foresight to see how staying would have made you a mess---now you have learned compassion for him....wish I could say I was there...

You point out something so profound:

I see so many here acquire new hobbies, get new jobs, go back to school, strengthen bonds with children, focus on the home, celebrate birthdays and holidays, start businesses, contribute to the world. Could we have done this with someone going through a crisis in our nest? Did their leaving, which was so painful, actually a FAVOR?

You are so right about that.

thank you, thank you, thank you for pointing out that obvious fact.

Love,
Valentine

[Jeanette1120]

This post has been on my mind all weekend. It was wonderful! And written only the way that Always can do....superbly!

A favor, such a small word....such a huge impact A favor..they did us a favor by walking out of our lives....definition of favor = an act of gracious kindness.

If I was to sit down and write out all the positives that have happened to me since my x walked away..they would far outweigh the negatives.

So.....when someone does a favor of such magnitude, and although at times I did not/do not understand it......I shall simply be gracious enough to him.......and say Thank You for being so kind and doing me this favor.

I still may never understand it......but ima gonna trust God with this one as he has not steered me wrong before.

Thanks Always for putting it so beautiful.

[peaceful_spirit]

Always,
He did do you a favor.

I know it still hurts, but at least you are sane. I don't feel sane right now and I would give anything to get that peaceful, sane feeling back again.

You always find a way to take a messy situation and see the bright side...

I was reading a post from the archives today... it said somethign about how we can't control our circumstances. All we can control are our thoughts, our attitude and our choices. That is what makes us happy. Not other people around us. You are so good at doing that. Yay you!

When you get a chance, I could use a dose of Always advice... if you can pop by my thread and offer me some sanity, I'd appreciate it.

[fig]

I love you always and I am sending tootsie roll tootsie pop licks your way!!!!