Finally going to a D........

[osu43130]

hey my brother,
Get to meet Shikira yet

Just wanted to stop by and say hey and let you know that I was thinking about you brother. Hope everything works out. Stay strong for the baby and your own sanity.

Peace,
Ben

[~Sol]

Hey Ben.

Thanks! Glad to see you "drop by". (I'm going to marry Shakira )

I need some feedback from some of you. I'm really struggling about tomorrow and placing my daughter back into her old school as my atty instructed. Easier said, but I know it will be a nasty fight with stbx - she's already demonstrated the capability to destroy and break things in the house, and she's promised to make my life difficult. I wish I could just move and sell the dam house.

I'm just kinda stressed about where this is going. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is extremely difficult for me to remain calm in all of this as it's my nature to retaliate against her - but this is not the proper way, I know......

I even offered to give that woman some gas money each week if she would agree to place daughter back in her old school......and she's avoiding the issue. If she would agree to that, I wouldn't have to force this upon her.....it would just be easier. I guess I am in the big leagues now, huh? But so is she.....

I'm just trying to make sense of all this.

[~Sol]

I really hate lawyers.

I have been thinking about post-divorce, and if I continue on the path that I am on, it will cause more damage than good.

My daughter's well being and happy future is what really matters. I am looking into finding a mediator to settle my divorce out of court and stop this nonsense. I really believe my stbx has no intentions of purposefully doing harm to me. So I am going to explain to her the cons of going to court and the pros of settling out of court. I also want JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY.

One parent should not be the custodial parent while the other is not, and it is detrimental to the safety of the child. Accidents happen, and if she is the non-custodial parent and she is in a car wreck with my daughter, the doctors cannot do anything to help my daughter if they need to, and they have a field day of trying to hunt me down (custodial parent) so I can give consent and perhaps save my daughter's life. I see the risks involved in going the route of full custody. It plain sucks for both parents and the child.

Yesterday I called the stbx and told her I was going to pick up my child from her place around 6pm. I didn't ask her if I could come by at that time, I told her. When she answered, I was expecting a fight or something, but she was crying and just said "OK".

I don't want to take my daughter away from her mom, and I don't want an ugly fight. She doesn't either, and I suspect she was just reacting the way she does (although like a child), but she was being a "mom". What mother would not want to protect their children? But I know the kind of state she is in, and she doesn't. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out we are both hurting and doing harm to each other.

I'm going for joint legal custody for my baby's sake.

[whatisis]

Sol, just remember that whatever you choose to do today is FOR your D. Don't move her just cuz your lawyer says to or because you're pissed at W's idiocy. Your D has a great deal on her plate and moving her from school to school as a pawn in mom and dad's squabble is not appropriate. Now, I'm not saying you are doing this but I want you to think very clearly about what you are doing and the pain it involves for all of you. It's Hell, I know. Do what is right, you can't go wrong doing the right thing! I'll be thinking of you today

[~Sol]

Whatis, hey man,

That's what I am thinking now - that it's not right or healthy to move my daughter from school to school and then confuse her more - I talk to my kid about this and what she thinks about her new school - she likes the school but she's not used to the different teaching regimen or homework she is now getting, and her mom does not have a high school education so she's no help. Whatever help my daughter needs with school I can provide, and I told my kid that daddy is able to help if she needs it. Anyway, my D expressed a desire to go back to her old school later on, but she's doing fine and adjusting in her new school, and I still have rights to see her and visit her teacher, etc. But for now I am not going to move her because my atty wants a legal advantage just to go after custody.

I talk to stbx and she is always saying she wants joint custody and is not out to "get me". Even though I don't trust her, I give her the benefit of the doubt but more importantly I am thinking about my daughter's well-being, not just physically, but mentally. I know she's a tough girl but kids can also fall victim - and I am not playing that game.

I think I am looking out for my daughter's best interest more than crazy stbx or my atty is.

[~Sol]

So now I am at home.

I am coming to terms with the way things are headed - stbx doesn't want to be a 'stbx" - but that's not my problem, it's hers. I am, however, 110% sure we should not be married anymore, but I need to step up to the plate and cooperate with her on parenting. It's all that matters between us, and she's still on my insurance policy.

I called a mediator today and had a very informative discussion about my sitch. Stbx will get some info on that so she can be well informed about our divorce and what kinds of custody rights we both want. Everything will be laid out on the table, and she can confer with the mediator on her own if she wants. I want to divorce, move on, and make sure my daughter is taken care of by BOTH parents - it's healthier that way.

The one thing that I consider "leverage" is that stbx wants to continue working nights - a disadvantage to her concerning who gets custody, but as long as what we agree to gets written on paper and is honored by both of us, I think we will be fine.

What's funny is that I had this twisting, uneasy feeling in my gut that was telling me not to take my girl out of school and create a divorce blood-bath. I was thinking about what will happen to my child, the one I am supposed to protect in all of this. My daughter is not a pawn, and I will never use her as that. I hope in the long run I can look back and say I have made the best choices and done the best work I could have done considering my situation and the fact that stbx is still "cheating" (affairs = band-aids, I know), but I am filtering out all the jealousy I had to rise above all this.

[~Sol]

I think I am moving closer to forgiveness. Considering the harmful effects of an ugly divorce, I choose not to go that route, make peace with stbx, and raise our daughter together.

My jealousy is getting under control - it's been a year since she did what she did, but in order to maintain my sanity and for my daughter's sake, I must learn to forgive - not just her, but myself for the wrongs I've done in this marriage. It's a hard thing to do, but the rewards of finding some kind of middle ground is vital to a healthy relationship with my stbx as parents of the same child.

I am going to withdraw my petition for custody as it is not necessary. I did it because my atty told me to, and I was angry that she took my daughter to a new school. I want to settle this out of court, and I am very happy I found a mediator in town that will help us to come to an agreeable divorce - for all of our sanity. My daughter is worth that. And I will have a peace of mind knowing I was thinking of everyone's best interest, and I can move forward and be single again - a happy man.

[~Sol]

I withdrew my petition for custody last week. Now I can pursue the course of mediation, and I'll more then likely receive custody anyway by default that stbx works nights. I met with my atty on Friday and told him that my daughter is still attending her new school. For now, is OK with my daughter and I don't feel it's right just yanking her away from school and create a never-ending fight with her mom. Stbx also seems to have calmed way down considerably and we are able to communicate like adults again (I hate arguing with with a 15 year old in a 33 year-old body...) - but I still disagree about just changing her schools without respecting my thoughts about it as a parent also --- (this will undoubtedly bite her in the rear later on.)

So my atty wants me to try to explain to her the definition of joint legal and joint physical custody. I still have all the cards, and my atty can go after her if i see that she doesn't want to cooperate in this divorce. Getting joint legal custody is a given, we both want that, joint physical is something that I am willing to be handled by my atty, as a technical matter. If it ends up being with stbx, I don't mind paying for child support, if that's the way the courts rule it. And I also have an agreed date of separation from stbx....she doesn't care what date I use, so I am going as far back as January after she came back from her "little vacation". Since then, she acted different towards me and started to sleep apart from me, and things just went south after that. It was an emotional roller coaster for me.

So I'm hoping stbx just signs the separation agreement so we can be divorced by February at the earliest, and custody and property can be settled also. I have to hold on to the house, but I want her name removed, which means I buy her out or sell. The housing market suck right now for both homeowners trying to sell and most buyers trying to get loans to buy. And selling would have to be at my loss of declining equity, my atty ran the numbers, they are low.

[~Sol]

It's funny how receiving the same information from another source will do wonders for getting all worked up again.

Since I discovered my stbx's secret cell phone, a co-worker of hers confirmed her ongoing affair. OK, I already knew this, but knowing that it is still going on - for whatever reason - bothers me. Am I going nuts? If not, then why do I still get angry over this? She's committing adultery, granted, but that is not the grounds for my divorce here, the grounds will be because she abandoned the home and left the kids with me.

I guess the real reason I am upset is because she continues to lie to my face and is keeping her affair a secret - they both are. All the more reason to leave her, and I just wanted to post this and get it off my chest.

[~Sol]

How do you know when it's the right time to think about dating?

This is open to all on this forum....

(This is just a question...I am NOT thinking about dating anyone on a serious basis, but just getting out there to mingle and go out once in a while on a date with friends...)