I am feeling 100 times better than I did 11 days ago! My body is still trying to heal, I break out in minor sweats at night, but I wake up feeling better each day. I guess this surgery took a lot out of me, and I really wanted to celebrate my birthday this year without crazy wife, just me and some friends. I had a quiet birthday, no one even knew it was my birthday at work which tells me I need to make quality friends - which tells me there are very few of those where I work. Everyone keeps distant to a point, and even those that promise to "do something" for you rarely ever do. It's funny, I'd rather have one REAL friend than 20 fake ones!
Anyway, my daughter is sticking by my side again, her mom wanted me to drop her off so she can have her for the day, but my daughter had other plans like wanting to stay home with me. She really doesn't like it over at her mom's - seems too gloomy and she picks up on that.
I've been thinking about the past year's events, the mistakes I made, and the emotions I went through. I now know that there is irreparable damage that can't be fixed without years of marital counseling, which won't happen. I see that too much damage has been done, wife crossed too many lines, and my R with her is dead - there is none. She still tries to hang on to whatever she thinks is left of a family, and it's becoming more evident to her that she made a mistake but she still doesn't realize her part in this - I am STILL receiving all the blame for not making her happy, yada yada. I wonder if she will ever hit rock bottom and see that she also has lots of issues for creating a hostile R? I don't know, but I am not going to dwell on that. I am doing good taking care of myself and everything that is important to me in life. Only thing left is get that paperwork started. I don't see divorce as a negative thing now, but as a way to finalize a really bad ending in order to have a new start.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Me and W are still separated, she claims she wants back, but the pain of last year is creeping up on me and I don't know how to deal with it. It's like its happening all over again. I know it's just memories and it's still fresh, its just that I don't trust my W one single bit.........anyone going or went through this sort of thing?
And my kids - it pains me to think that they now have 2 separate households. I knew this was the way it was going to be, but at times things are just rough.
I'll feel better tomorrow - I'm still trying to adjust to all of this post-affair / being separated crap that is going on.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Been a while since I posted. W is still looney, she's indecisive at times, sometimes she wants back, others she seems like she doesn't give a flying *&^% about me or us or our family being together. So I let her simmer in her own mess, and she regrets getting a stupid trailer with a one year lease.
Anyway, back to your question. DO I want her back? The way she was - heck NO, so I am not sure if she is willing to quit treating me like a doormat (like the last 10 years) and starts acting like she cares.
SO here's the deal. For my birthday, all I got was a call from her, wishing me Happy Birthday but asking me how old I am. (WTF???) How old? OK, so I realize she doesn't give a rat's ass about things like that that pertain to me, but I am considerate enough to at the very least give her a card AND flowers - which she detests now, and seems she wants freaking gold or diamonds instead of flowers.
OK, then there is my appendicitis I went through on September 12. I drove myself to the E.R., and she shows up to visit but just sits there, no conversation about anything. Guess she didn't want her "meal ticket" to pass away too soon, huh? SO she gives me a ride home the next day, but I remained home ALONE for the next 7 days. She never visited me at the house, but I got a visit from a co-worker. (WTF is that???)
Sooooo, I am highly upset at her at this point, and don't want any more of this bogus R with her if it's not going to be real, full of mutual respect and real caring for each other. I believe her caring for me is superficial........but since she has no one else to turn to....I'm it. And what a crock THAT is!
I'm going to see, with sheer predictability, that she will do NOTHING in caring for me during the holiday season. My birthday, and all others for that matter, mean nothing to her. Yet she lingers on because now she finds me interesting? I am attracting the opposite sex all the time just by being me, and I see that I have a better chance in being happy with someone else - I think she sees that. But I am not rushing anything, I don't want to "date", or find someone else right now, but I DON'T want to go back to the old R with her.
I'm doing better just focusing on me, recovering from my surgery, and taking good care of my little third grader.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I wanted to point out that if one person is working to save their marriage and the other is not, then there is no point in saving it at all. It takes 2 people, it will ALWAYS take 2 people. Marriage, in my opinion, is not for just one person to carry the torch. One person in a marriage cannot be the sole provider or giver and the other the receiver - at least that's how my wife was brought up to believe.
My wife, the selfish and hypocritical person that she is, told me that the only "good thing" I ever gave her was a gold necklace with a small diamond in the 10 years we've been together. Well, if that's how she thinks, I am in a disaster of a marriage and I have no idea why I stuck with it. My daughter is 8 now, she's old enough to tell me that I need to be happy and she always asks me why I don't divorce her mom and find someone else!! This is her own little opinion here, she's saying this all on her own. Kids are smarter than we think and they make more sense than adults.
So, I call may wife and I we argue over bills, her credit, and I point out that we have lots of joint bills that I am paying, not her. So if she's so concerned with her credit being ruined, then I guess I need to do something about the house, right? I'd rather get this divorce over with and split everything we have now. And there's another reason......this whole time that she's been "nice" to me was simply to continue to prevent a divorce so she can have her cake - she's struggling on bills but I am still paying some of hers - that's stopping now. I sarcastically "thanked her" for the nice birthday gift she gave me. She gave me SQUAT. I guess that struck a nerve because she left a voice-mail saying that she's "not obligated" to give me anything on my birthday - claiming bills prevent her from doing "nice things" for me. A birthday card costs $2 or $3. One can even create a card by writing one out, and one can also VISIT the person having a special occasion - it shows an act of true caring. I got a phone call on that day, a "happy birthday" over the phone, and then she asks me how old I am!~ NICE!
So, she's not "obligated" to give me anything on my birthday huh??? What kind of a wife that claims she "cares about me" does that? Well, I've been thinking since she moved out what it is that I WANT. I don't want this kind of person as a wife, never have....but I chose to marry her and that's my mistake. I own up to that. Now I am ready to go after the things that matter - just a good woman that actually cares about the man she's with and is willing to communicate BEFORE things go bad. After 10 years of being married to my current wife, she has never told me about the serious problems in our R, until now. 10 years later she opens up.....WTF is up with that? Well, I agree on ONE thing with my wife - we both are saying that we don't want 10 more years of the same crappy marriage. Oh, but she's not willing to go to counseling, no religious counseling, nothing. I am, however. I'm also willing to change, she's not. She's caught up in her own way of thinking, she's caught up in this "hip hop/R&B" fantasy world now and that is what her perception of love is - freaking music videos.
So, I am going to a divorce clinic and gathering the paperwork. I'm thinking about serving her the papers for Xmas or on her birthday in Jan, at least she'll receive something from me. (I probably won't - but I'm pissed off right now and just being sarcastic).
I know that my R with her is dead - there is none. None in the sense of what a couple's R should be, and she probably doesn't really love me anymore, she fell for a loser after all and now she's all alone. So it all comes down to what I want. She already made her choice - I am NOT going back to that old, abusive and screaming R we had for 10 years. It was just hard to let go of that, being with her for so long, but it's time to grown and see what's really out there. I have been told that a real R waits for me since I am willing to grow and change and go after what really matters in life. I want to grow old with someone that wants the same - if that is God's plan for me. I don't know, but I need to try.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I'm glad that you have realized that it does take two, inorder for a marriage to work. Your wife is merely there for the grand financial coverage. You see the signs, allover...it won't change anything, but the years.
For her to make the comment that the only good thing you gave her was a gold necklace with a diamond, shows her need for material things...what about your daughter? THAT is the most important thing you gave her...She's lost, Sol, there isn't anything more you can do...she doesn't want to work on the marriage...you have all the signs pointing in that direction. The only one that is getting hurt, is you.
Don't pay her bills, if they are in her name only...if it is in joint names, you must, or you'll destroy your credit. Make note of what is charged for her personal usage. If you can, close the accounts, so she won't have access to them. She's on her own, the need to cover her is not valant...it's stupidity. You are paying her car insurance, mortgage, etc...whatever else...for what? She will get half of everything, so enough is enough.
Her comment of not being obligated for some type of recognition of your birthday - besides, the phone call - reeks of her resent- ment towards you. Sol, for your own mental health...cut your losses...you don't need her...she does absolutely "NOTHING" for you...it's all for her means. Why you keep hanging on, I'm just clueless...there's no love, the reality of "marriage" died long ago, she's using you for all her needs. See things as they are, hear things as they are said, that is the reality. If, this could be saved, I would be the first to tell you...but I cannot tell you that.
Your own daughter has the intelligence to see that you are not happy...she gives you "permission" to let your wife go. This, I'm sure is because she also is not happy with her mother. Sol, let it go...you need to find a woman who will love you, not a person who wants financial aide. Your vision of a happy marriage is not what you have - you have a toxic, manipulating, lying, wife. Look at yourself...figure out why you have the need to try and hope she'll change...her history doesn't change and the pro's and con's pile is so unequal, the con's pile is ready to fall on you.
She won't change Sol, not her...she's too greedy and into herself that she can't see or feel the needs of others. In a way, I feel sorry for her - but she's not my concern...you are. STOP selling yourself short - you live in fear of a divorce - yet, that is what will bring you the most happiness, joy and peace of mind - to find the right woman for you and your daughter. The longer you delay this, the longer it will take to find the right woman and the longer you will be in pain.
Yes...it does take two...two that have the same values and walk the same path, towards an agreed upon goal.
I want you to be happy Sol...but this is a bad relationship that is ripping your soul...get out before she destroys you, totally. I know this forum is to save marriages, but in your case...it's long over...may God give you the strength to see.
1210... You make absolute sense. I couldn't see this before, so I am taking the steps I need to take. I am already removing all of her things in the house and redecorating everything. She still takes pieces of furniture from the house and that just shows me that she wants to be apart and not work on anything. The good thing is that she is no longer fighting, and being civil about finances and our daughter. I told her sarcastically that if she cares so much about her credit that she needs to pay half the mortgage and give me 600 each month - she didn't like hearing that but I was just trying to make a point with her. I am still paying our joint bills, and mine. She pays what's hers - so that works out fine.
Her comment about my birthday was what really set me off, and got me thinking about her true nature and intentions. After I expressed my discontent about her behavior on my birthday she has been even more "nicer" to me now. Manipulation and deception? I'm not buying it. Even if we were working on our R, it would never make for the marriage that I want, and she would still not give me any gifts but only expect them from me - shows me how selfish and uncaring she really is. I need to remember that now when I get my divorce - she doesn't care for me but just wants to cling for her own "support system". She will always be the type of person she is, and I'm tired of it.
Oh, another thing that got her riled up, is that I started to take down her kitchen decorations. She has a "chef theme" going on, but she took most of the kitchenware before. I'm redecorating the kitchen with my own theme, perhaps fruit or a bakery theme (I like baked goods). I'm also changing the bed spread decor and painting every room in the house. Oh, and I'm converting the garage into my art studio....I just want the house to feel more like "me" than "her". It's amazing how therapeutic working on my house can be.
Just wanted to add, I am going to a divorce clinic to find out what I can do on my own. I am also working on re-doing my web site as a second source of income - hoping to make it my primary source of income as I do more freelance art.
Last edited by ~Sol; 10/23/0707:25 PM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Hey, Sol, don't know if you remember me or not from "back when" -- my login was "Cadesmom" back then.
I'm sorry that things aren't working out for your M, but I think in the long run, you will be happier & healthier. It sounds like you are doing a good job w/ moving on and doing your own thing. It doesn't sound like she has changed in all this time.
I have to agree w/ 1210 that she has seemed very selfish this whole time and I don't think your M was a *healthy* place for you. She's not a very nice person, Sol, and you will be a lot happier when it's just you & your D!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
