no sexual attraction

[Andrew_B]

Hi,

I have been married to my wife for 13 years now. I married her because I loved her, and we were best friends,
and I needed someone. However, looking back, I realize that I did not find her sexually attractive and, in fact, I never have.

We have a generally happy marriage, apart from one thing: the passion isn't there. She doesn't turn me on.
She doesn't act very feminine or sensual, and doesn't know how to. She was a self-confessed tomboy
growing up. She has a hard time with sex and sexuality in general - they don't come easy to her.
She is very conservative and low-drive, whereas I am adventurous and high-drive. She doesn't know how to
initiate sex, and unless it's planned in advance, won't usually respond to my advances.

It has been a devastating realization that I have never been sexually attracted to her. It is a very
hard thing to admit to myself. I could never leave her though. It would break my heart not to be with
her (and our two young daughters). But, I just feel desperate and trapped. Desperate for someone that I
connect with sexually, not just emotionally. I have not told her how I feel, for fear that it would destroy whatever attraction she has for me.

Does anyone have any thoughts on what I should do?

[Shortchanged]

Were you really "never" sexually attracted to her? I doubt it. I think it's more likely that you were attracted to her at the beginning (does a man ever really marry a woman he's not sexually attracted to unless maybe he's under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time?) Come on...honestly...she turned you on in the beginning, didn't she?

But what probably happened is you found out about her "hard time with sex." Of course she's going to lose her attractiveness if she doesn't like sex. One of the most important requirements in order for a woman to be sexually attractive is to be open to sex with YOU and obviously attracted to YOU. Right? Right. And if she isn't, she might as well be your sister or your mom.

Definitely, this is not going to go away without communication. You ultimately are going to have to have a heart to heart talk with her about how important sex is to you...and the fact that it's bothering you so much. I wouldn't go so far as to tell her you were "never sexually attracted to her" (because even I don't believe that's true, and I don't even know you)...or even that you don't find her sexually attractive now. But you definitely need to let her know that you're bothered by this, and that it's more than a matter of simply being frustrated by not being able to get your rocks off. You need to let her know that you have a need that only she can fill and that not even all the masturbation in the world could ever replace.

[Andrew_B]

We've had such talks before. I've talked about how boring things have gotten in the bedroom, and she makes an effort to change ... for a while. Then things settle into the same old rut again. The fact is, I am turned on by a lot of things that don't do anything for her at all, and most of the time (by her own admission) sex is the last thing on her mind.

We have never seen eye to eye about it, and while we have grown a lot over the years, the sexual connection still isn't there ... I resent her for not being the person I want sexually, and am hoping I don't have to feel that way for the rest of my life.

[Crazy Eddie]

We've had such talks before. I've talked about how boring things have gotten in the bedroom, and she makes an effort to change ... for a while. Then things settle into the same old rut again.

Goes with the territory. Sometimes people need a few tries to make a change stick.

In the meantime you can't make her change... you can change yourself and she might respond to those changes. Or she might not. Anyway, it looks to me like she isn't attracted to you. That's a problem that you can fix... scout around this board for more on that. Fixing it should keep you busy, and it keeps you busy on problems that you can solve and keeps your mind away from the hopeless task of changing someone else.